I’ve been struggling all summer with so many internal thoughts about my life, where I am and where I have been. I mentioned in my last post about my frustration, boredom and how every 10 years or so when I feel this way I usually pack up and move, start over and re-invent who I am. This time around I am content with where I live and will stay put for a while because I love Nashville. A few weekends back, as I did my early morning ritual, scroll through FB and twitter feeds I noticed a friend’s post:
“I’m interested to see who reads my post. I realize that’ s about 5 of you…so if you read this, leave me a one word comment about your day. Only one word please. Then copy this to your wall so I can leave a word for you!”
In that moment I pondered…what single word might express how I feel right here right now? An avalanche of words came rushing through my mind. Words that signified how I felt, words of how I wanted to feel, words of what I wanted in my life and didn’t want! It was then I realized as I allow what ever my internal struggle is to manifest, I slowly isolate myself more and more from the world. I’ve turned down every lake day, most every pool day and every thing in between. In my mind I’ve always had a good reason to pass on these things, the need to work on the house, grade papers, edit images…or what I find myself using most, I don’t want to spend money on fun because times are tough.
As I thought through all of my excuses, I realized I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. I had myself believing the reasons, the voice in my head and as the time passed I became more and more isolated from the world. My only interaction seemed to be FB and that left me feeling empty. I tried to change the conversation in my head, to think of positive and meaningful words that might shift what felt like negative self talk.
AS the day moved along my loneliness grew, I cry on and off, and felt sorry for myself. I began how much I missed my family, how we continue to grow old and that our time truly is limited. I cried even more. I watched a sappy love story on tv that reminded me of my poor decisions with men. How so many of those choices led me to where I am now, lonely and missing companionship with someone. I miss having a companion I can laugh with, share with and be intimate with so I cried some more.
I started to think about my friends, how I felt disappointed that no one checks in much anymore, no one calls or send text anymore. Then I thought, how can I expect them to stick around if I continue to shut them out, I cried a little more.
I thought about those I felt close to who had passed away and how much I missed them, Dina, Victoria, Todd, Rusty, Mozi, Elwin and Grannie and I cried even more.
I thought about the ongoing frustration with my ever changing career, wondering am I doing anything in my life that feels worthy? AM I doing anything that matters to others? And I cried some more.
I watched a show about millionaire’s who secretly go to non-profits as undercover volunteers. They shared heartfelt stories and learned about the people they were helping. They gave of themselves to others unselfishly. Then after gaining trust and learning how much the employees were they they would expose who they were and donate large amounts of money to show how grateful they were of the loyalty those people gave. the company owners learned more than they could have imagined and tears fell from the people on the show. I cried.
As Sunday morning rolled around I watched church on tv and as always cried because I do know that God is with me. Sometimes I find solace in being home especially the weekends, sitting in silence, listening to the outside sounds knowing everyone else is out and about. That strange loneliness is always mixed with discomfort knowing there is no one special in my life other than friends and family. It is in those moments that I often find the clarity to my confusion and the most in-depth feeling of existence.
As my weekend of self reflection ended on Monday I went back into auto pilot mode and began the week. I had the realization that morning that I could not use a SINGLE word to express where I am right here right now. Love and gratitude were the first of many that surfaced. GRATITUDE is always my Montra. I am grateful for all that is, good and bad because in those emotional moments, within my sadness that I realize crying allows me to feel. It reminds me that I am alive and that I have the power of choice.
When I am lonely I tend to make myself lonelier because I withdraw, but I know that it is my way of getting quiet, to feel and to think. I have to reflect, to hurt, to cry and then pick myself up, to make changes in those things that are not working. Hurt always reminds me that I am capable of feeling and I am living. Life humbles me through experience and I become wiser as those secrets reveal themselves. What moves me most and those triggers that make me cry they are what hold the secret to where I am headed and what my life purpose will be. With that I always end in a sea of LOVE.
I am often living in silence from the rest of the world but I know that after a few good cries, my internal realization will resurface and I will go back out in the world as I always do. With every single step, no matter how easy or hard, I continue to begin EACH next chapter of life. I still breath in my lungs to do what I am here to do. Patience, stillness, gratitude and love must be my closest friends because are guiding me to my new place. No packing my bags at this point in my life, at least for now. I choose to reflect on the baggage I carry, to grow, to learn and know I can re-invent myself any time I want.
What words can you come up with to express how you feel right now? Think about it…maybe you will have a weekend like I did and on Monday awake with a huge smile!
Sending love…pass it on!