So much has happened lately, the emotions brought on by the flood, seeing people hurt and rebuild, watching people join together and the strange birth from out of no where of ReTune Nashville into my life. I have had many moments of self reflection and with each moment I keep thinking of the gift of life and the road that led me here. For me there is a newly found happiness of just being, I am happy 95% of the time with an occasional bad mood but I realize I am in charge of my mood so it has become easier to react to things based on how I want to feel. Feeling good happens when I am in a good mood therefore I choose to be in a good mood no matter what.
For some reason the same two questions continue popping up in my mind. Who am I? What is my purpose? After all this time it is these two questions that never seem go away completely. Even when I feel I have found myself, discovered a secret to life and maybe even stumbled upon my purpose. There will be a point in time where these questions will resurface because life is continuous, always moving in a forward direction even when I don’t feel that it is. I thought mine was on hold the past 9 years but looking in the mirror at the lines slowly collecting around my eyes I am reminded that time is marching on.
So my story is clear, it is all the things I have done, places I have been, people who have filtered through my life in various ways over time and how I have allowed all of my choices to lead my life to where I am right now. But who I am? I am what I think I am and I do believe that sometimes it is not what others see. So often we filter in opinions of our self based on a false meaning from what someone said or how we interpreted what someone said. Who we are is up to us, we have a choice in how we see ourselves and we have a choice in what we choose to believe.
Who am I? I do know that this is and will continue to change until the day I die because time will not stop as long as I am breathing. I am a woman who loves her family. They are and will always be the most important part of me (even if Mom thought it was cute to dress me as a skunk for halloween). I am a very open minded person yet at times I feel I am somehow trapped by my conservative upbringing. Yes I marvel over those who can ink up their bodies in grande displays, not because they have the balls to do it but because they have the courage to be who they believe they are no matter how others look at them. I am a woman who feels deeply and wants to give of myself more now than I have ever wanted in my past. I know I am intelligent although at times I feel really dumb at certain things. I feel attractive at times but I continue to question my identity with hopes of one day secretly winning a makeover and rediscovering a diamond that I always knew was there I just had no idea how to make it shine. I am always trying to find ways to challenge my mind and to make money through what I love but I also have found a new joy in being quiet and living simple. I love to talk when I am around those I know but when I am around strangers I am shy and reserved. I feel healthy, I enjoy my work outs most every day, I feel better when I eat better and I love my dog. I have, for the first time in my life become completely content with being single and although I would love to be asked out on occasion by someone I am attracted to I feel no panic in my lack of men or my not being in a relationship. I believe when it is time it will happen and that it is all happening exactly as it should. I am for the first time in my life living with no worry of where my career or time will take me, I have goals and dreams but I am ok with how things fall into place because I believe that there is something bigger guiding me in the right direction. I trust my forward path will be as it should because I am healthier in my thinking, I am spiritual and I know I am being guided. I have embraced self love in ways I never thought I could and I believe it has given me not only confidence but also restored happiness to my life that was missing for a very long time. Most of all I have found an enormous amount of love with in me and it makes me want to pass it on knowing how powerful that is and how good it feels.
Perhaps I am just a bunch of words, and what if I am, what if to me words are just a way for me to cope and to grow. What if words are also my secret gift to others without even knowing it. Often as I am writing I imagine myself as the narrator of a movie, a simple story of an average person living an average life, but it is how the words are expressed that matters, that is also what makes the story stand on its own. Words have the potential to make a story unfold but they also have the ability to make you feel the story. The truth is my story really doesn’t matter to you. Who am I? Who are you? What is your story? Can you tell me in a way that will make me feel, can you tell your love ones things in ways that make them feel, what is it that they are feeling from your story. Is it a good story, if not how can it be? Maybe we would all be in a better place, perhaps a happier place if we thought about our story and spoke it in a way where people not only felt it but it brought a smile. You are your story so start creating, the past is the past it doesn’t carry meaning unless you allow it to. Think about it….I am!