It is strange how your body feels when your heart is really let down. The thoughts of what was race through your mind along with what could have been, your heart aches and you don’t even think about food. There is a strange emptiness within, a bit of a lost feeling and a loneliness. Days go by and you go through the motions mostly wanting to crawl into bed and sleep only so you will forget how bad you hurt. You hide out not wanting to see or talk to people and if you do go out it doesn’t take away the hurt , it only covers it up for a bit. The hardest part is getting your mind to stop and to refocus in a forward direction, never allowing yourself to feel anger or self pity.
I had a very long post prepared from my Thanksgiving week planned to go here but I have put it on hold for a bit. This is so that I can move forward. I started this blog to share my experiences in order to help others, so many times it has come back around and taught me about myself while helping, I think I am sharing today hoping to get comments that will help me so please feel free to email me if you have something to say.
My life over the past few months had taken a turn and was amazingly happy, fun and different. It was a world wind, something I wanted and something I needed. Although I wanted to go slow it had a mind of its own. The ride was wonderful but it did not last for reasons that right now really don’t matter. Standing where I am and always looking at things with an open mind I can say I have learned more about me than anything. This was the first time in my life I allowed myself to experience each moment with out judgment but being completely aware of what my gut was telling me. Right now it is a disappointment only because of the fun and happiness I experienced that is no longer there, the reality of the situation was there in my gut a while back. I am proud that all the work I have done over the past few years gave me that awareness, prepared me and is giving me strength to deal with it in a positive manner.
What I have learned over these few months is that being open with someone needs to be done slowly. Most people will say things when you first get to know them wanting so badly to make a good impression and I believe that is a natural part of human nature. I am a very honest and open person and I think it is difficult for some to understand or to sometimes take that side of me. If you feel a certain way because of something someone says I believe you have the option to allow it to effect you the way you choose. There can not be blame in others words because we have the ability to think what we want. Most of all I have learned that there are no guarantees. We can choose to be cautious and hold our self back from experiencing things due to fear or we can choose to take a chance and enjoy what ever comes knowing in a moment things could change. I will always choose taking a chance but I also choose to always be myself and never loose that part of me while in a relationship. A good relationship is not always saying or doing what the other expects from you, it is the joining of two different people and when there are uncomfortable situations you discuss them. If there is no discussion and you hold them in you allow that to manifest and nothing good ever comes from manifesting negative feelings. Communication and honesty is always the best method for getting to know someone and knowing if you are compatible.
Regardless of this feeling I am experiencing right now I know these things about myself and my beliefs. I am a good person and I have a lot of love in my heart for others. I have a lot of energy, I have a hard time sitting still especially watching tv and I don’t need a lot of sleep, I realize this is hard for some to take. I like to learn, I like to see things, I love being creative and I enjoy music. I enjoy being healthy through exercise and food. I believe food in excess and drinking has become a vital part of socialization with in our culture. With drinking weather it is “full on party time” or “just a few drinks a day” it is still allowing something to numb your awareness through comfort. I can take it or leave it and it doesn’t need to be a part of my daily routine although I do enjoy it from time to time. My being is not defined through others it comes from with in and it grows and improves from both positive and negative experiences and how I allow them to affect me. I choose being positive no matter what, never blaming because I always have a choice. When I hurt I want to allow myself to feel it knowing that my spirit is teaching me something about myself. I believe there is something positive to be learned in every situation. Most of all I know that everything is happening just as it should and with that alone I can move forward. Though I am feeling a bit down there is a smile right around the corner. I will not allow myself to manifest a bad attitude, my sadness will be brief because I know there are so many more wonderful and beautiful things ahead that I still need to experience.
I will close by saying that I truly believe I am feeling good in this moment about my self and my situation because I have learned to love who I am. Because of that I will focus on my thoughts, they will be directed on myself and my healing while overcoming this whirlwind. Life is so sweet and has so many amazing things to offer. I am grateful for all that I have, especially my wonderful parents, friends and the big eared white dog who is and always my little angel.
My next post will be my experience of change over the Thanksgiving week and will come soon. Right now I am healing my heart and I am doing good. Sending love out to all of you…thank you for reading!