Truth…why am I sharing with so many strangers??? This is a bit long!
Truth…I have been thinking of the word and what it means. It started as a marketing campaign for my photo business and it was easy to write a description for that purpose but in doing that I am now wondering where it lies in my own life. I am struggling with what that word has become to mean personally. Truth in my life is I have been very fortunate and blessed. Both of my parents love me, are supportive and are healthy. I feel that growing up in a middle class family helped me to learn to be responsible and kept me grounded. I have always done what I wanted and had enough drive to somehow make it work without needing anyone’s help. I have had success as an artist and made a lot of money on my climb. Truth is that despite all of these things I just turned 40 and I am no where I thought I would be. I feel empty. I divorced from a marriage that I knew was never right though I stayed for 10 years. My poor choices with relationships…all of them were never right and sadly I knew in my gut during the early stages but settled and ended up wasting years of my life. Sitting here now all I have to say of love is it always seems to hurt in the end, no one can be trusted, and there is no such thing as a soul mate…atleast not for me. Truth is that because of all those bad choices the reality is that more than likely I will never have a child, lately that upsets me and kids were never really a desire of mine. Then again I never felt any of the relationships I was involved in were healthy enough to bring a child into so the desire was never there. At other times I wonder if I would even be a good parent…all of the insecurities I have would they allow me to be a good Mother? The other night at a hockey game there was a father with his daughter and her two girlfriends sitting in front of me. There was a point when he bought candied apples and cotton candy that I felt the tears welt up in my eyes. Watching them laugh and interact…I found myself wondering what that might feel like and then thinking I would never experience parenthood…or motherhood. That thought really saddens me. Truth is I have a lot of anger towards myself and I can’t figure out how to let go of it all. I get frustrated because I have a hard time focusing on one thing at a time and it is a daily battle to keep my interest inline. Trying to do all the things I want to accomplish knowing I more than likely have put too much on my plate in the first place. Feeling at times that I exhaust all those around me I often stay in my own world trying to analyze how to do better, to be a better person and to be liked. Truth is I feel I have waisted so much of my life… because of my relationships, my lack of confidence and my lack of focus. Truth is my business does not fulfill me and due to my many interest it is not where it should be. In my 20’s I was so driven and worked so hard that success seemed easy. Everything fell into place in my early 20’s and I was fulfilled with everything except the inner search…that has always been there even when I was a kid. The elucid question why am I here? In my 30’s all those bad choices seemed to catch up to me, knocked the wind out of me, my life changed drastically and I slowed down…way down pretty much to a stop. With all the time I had created for myself I started analyzing everything and disliking who I was what I had become and the way I looked. I became lost…stuck, paralyzed. All those mountains I climbed earlier in my life and those things I was so proud of don’t mean a thing to me now. Every-time I got to the top I was fulfilled then I realized I had to find another one to climb because the the rush doesnt last…it never last. Feeling like it is all waisted time that I can never stay in one place and that I am tired. Now armed with all that knowledge, all that guilt, all that success and all the failure. Looking ahead knowing there is nothing but mountain upon mountain ahead, knowing that even once I get to the top of one I have to come back down and then climb another. Knowing there is no other choice but to climb because I hate who I am when I am not climbing and I need a goal to have any sort of desire to be here. Truth is that death comes to us when we no longer have the energy to climb. Maybe not in body but in mind. Truth is that none of this really matters in the end, not the success, not the failure, the money or the relationships. The family is what matters. The unconditional love that is held in that bond of blood. To know that someone loves you and will remember you when you are gone. It scares me that there may be no one to remember me…no one to keep my name alive after I am gone. I don’t really know why that matters to me I guess I hope that somehow I can make a difference and someone will want to remember me. This year has been an eye opener when it comes to life and death. Eight people have died…a friends husband, a friends child, an Aunt, a friend, a friends grandmother, a friends Mom and two friends lost their Fathers this year. All in one year. It makes me want to cling to my family so bad but they are so far away and I don’t get to see them nearly as often as I wish I could…just got a call from my Mom, an old High School friend died, he had 2 daughters and was engaged to be remarried next year. So now it is time to close, but before I go please don’t look at this as a negative post. Truth is in life we often have to be reminded of why we are here and I think perhaps I am feeling this way in order to figure out what my purpose is, we all have one. I am just sharing and trying to understand…and why am I sharing with a bunch of strangers? I am not sure but something tells me perhaps it is part of my purpose.