I love the first signs of spring, especially after such a cold winter. The tree outside my bedroom has started showing some small blooms that make me smile each day as I watch them get bigger. Soon there will be a wall of beautiful white flowers intertwined with green separating my view of the house next door, the birds will serenade me each morning and my nose will be alive with the smell of new beginnings.
I feel like that tree outside my window….new beginnings are ahead and I feel anxious, sad, excited and lonely all at the same time. I feel a shift happening in my life once again, I realize that the more I make an effort to live with purpose the more things keep changing. The past year has been filled with new experiences, new friendships and the satisfaction of offering my time to help others to a level I never thought I would have the ability to reach. With the end of ReTune Nashville quickly approaching I realize I am looking forward to slowing down my schedule some and allowing my personal life to flourish. I have been in a committed relationship for the past 8 months but that recently ended due in part by my busy schedule and a lack of communication. As our lives change we must have a partner who is willing to go along with the changes and understand that sometimes part of growing is accepting the one you are with may not always be available when you need them to be or that they may not be who you want them to be. Supporting another’s efforts is not always comfortable but can bring you closer if you are willing to be patient. I have found comfort lately in John Mayer…”When All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye”, “Perfectly Lonely”, “Half of My Heart”. I love the lyrics, they make me feel good because they are as much me as they are him!
Relationships are lessons and each time they fail we learn something about ourselves and something about what we want to look for in the next. As I get older I know I have become very set in my ways. I am a very independent woman and although I consider myself open minded I know I am extremely stubborn. I am aware of my imperfections but I also know I am a good person and have a lot to offer someone who is open minded, can communicate and has patience. Why is it that couples often get to a point where they feel insulting each other will somehow bring comfort in the one insulting through the pain of the one receiving? An apology can help heal some of the pain but the scar is still there just below the surface. Follow that with the reassurance of love and things become confusing if the pattern continues. At some point the words really don’t mean anything, they start to carry less of an impact, over time resentment will replace any pattern because each side has to continue the cycle in order to feel validated. Love doesn’t insult for the sake of validation, that is NOT love, that is manipulation. I was married to that for 10 years. Love is patience, acceptance, appreciating, giving and communicating with an open mind even when things may not be going as you want. Love is complicated yet simple, it is soothing yet painful but it is beautiful even as you watch it go away.
When you are learning how to spend time without a partner you often experience an emptiness or loneliness as you re-learn what to do with all your free time. No more phone calls, no more emails or text messages just you and the silence of your time spent alone. I believe there are two forms of “loneliness”. I have been told that if you believe in God you will never be lonely. While I believe this to a certain degree it is my opinion that loneliness is experienced spiritually and physically. When you are spiritually lonely you are lost in life because you have no direction or motivation, you struggle with who you are, what your purpose is and you feel something is missing but you can’t find relief to what “that” is and you feel stuck. For me it is a time to re-connect to self, with God, to get quiet and clear my mind. It is a time to begin believing internally that I am ok, that I am not alone and the “feeling” of what that is like is just as important as thinking about it. The act of internalizing physical loneliness is completely different, it is the yearning of connecting with someone, it is touch, it is feeling love in your heart toward someone else and friends can serve this need to some extent. As humans we have the desire to be loved, we thrive on the excitement of being with someone we are attracted to and the need for physical attention. We want to feel connected to someone weather a friend or a lover. A lover is where intimacy comes into play and we all want that but when that is not there we feel a little out of sorts.
I feel alive right now, like the blooms outside of my window. I am growing, I am maturing and I know that there will always be a cycle of loss in life but eventually the beauty that is always available to me will show up as long as I take the time to believe it is possible. I can smell new beginnings and I am excited for the next chapter because in life that is what makes us feel complete, it is the journey not just the experience. I made a promise to myself that my life would be as full as I have the time to make it while there is still a breath of life in my lungs, vision in my eyes and love in my heart…
Sending love out to all of you, please pass it on!