What causes loneliness…something I have been pondering a lot the past few weeks. I have always been one to enjoy my quiet time, my alone time, what I like to think is the time I am most creative. Perhaps growing up in the country without a lot of friends close by, spending afternoons as a small kid alone in the woods with a notepad writing while mom and dad worked was the beginning of my life persona. In that time it was safe for a child to roam alone and for me it was the birth of my being. So lately my life is full, full of creative work time, full of phone talk to the family in Florida, full of friend time and full of summer fun. For some reason lately I have a usually small yet sometimes larger feeling of loneliness within me I can’t figure out. I have hardly dated over the past year, I have not really had an interest and in my past 8 years since my divorce felt I was wandering a bit, jumping in too soon and overlooking what I needed in relationships just to fill a void. I told myself after the last relationship it was time to change, I set some rules with myself, to not allow myself to get serious, to not get involved and to allow myself to live a while as a single person, embrace it and be happy. The past year has been just that, I have discovered who I am again, learned to be independent from a man and to wake up every day allowing myself to do what ever I want to do and worry about no one else but myself. It has been liberating, it has been challenging and lately it has become…well, a bit lonely. After living alone for most of the year I recently allowed a “guy friend” to move in and perhaps that is where my thoughts began to change, strangely where the loneliness began to start peeking its little head in my settled mind. When you see two people showing affection and happiness with being together it is enlightening for old farts like myself, especially when it is someone you know.
I admit I have some issues to get over with regards to opinions of men and their wondering minds…hands and other parts, with commitment, exclusiveness and cheating. Things that I am struggling with because of my past choices and with wanting to believe there are men who are different, I know there are good honest people who live with integrity in every choice they make out there. My best GF who happens to be 10 years younger tells me I need to really work hard on these things because they will show up if I continuously focus on them in the negative rather than believing there is a positive side. I take full accountability for my past choices both with life and with men, hold no blame in others and realize I knew the red flags early on but did not pay attention. I made my own choices and no one made me make them. I have absolutely no regrets with my life except maybe that I wished I had traveled abroad as a 20 year old.
With this post as always I am trying to be positive and honest, I need to fully acknowledge my fears with men…if only women had a body part they could think from to blame for uncontrollable actions, that actually sounds like a lot of fun. Enough said, truth is we as human beings want to be with someone who we are attracted to, to be touched and to feel connected in a deeper way than just sexual. At least that is what I choose to believe. I would like to believe there are relationships out there where people truly feel connected and can see themselves with the same person even when they are old. Call me a dreamer but I want a relationship that feels like the words of a great country love song where you feel every word is a reflection of you and the other person intertwined both in love and in companionship. Keith Urban says it better than most for me….
In the past year I have seen what I want to believe was true love many times and it always makes me smile, believe and then feel a bit sad with loneliness. So perhaps this loneliness I am feeling lately is my spirit nudging me, saying to me to let go of the past…really let go not just think I have, to see through new eyes- like a child believing there is only good out there as if never having had experience bad, nothing to compare to, trusting my gut and opening myself to the possibilities. Someone once said to me as I was going through a broken heart, “just think Sheri, even though you hurt right now look how beautiful it is that you now have the chance to experience the wonderful feelings that come with falling in love with someone again…..” I wish I could remember who said that to me because it has stayed with me over the years, through many breakups and still makes me smile.
So what is it that causes loneliness..I guess the lack of something that we really need to be human. It is tough to have a completely balanced life, to have the beautiful relationship, the perfect career, to love yourself, to live with confidence and to be happy all of the time because there always seems to be something missing, something out of alignment. I believe in my past (for myself) it was the lack of self love, confidence and the confusion of spirit…what some may call “God”. For the first time in my life I am no longer confused with spirit and I talk to my God everyday because I realize it is a part of me, within me and not something out side of me I am trying to find. Although I still want to lose a few pounds and hate seeing the visual result of age in my skin I am ok with who I am. Maybe my recent loneliness is my spirit reminding me that because those things are aligned my fears with men need to be challenged and that it is time to fill that void. To know that because the most important internal things have been conquered now it is time to allow myself to find something outside of myself to add to the fulfillment. Knowing now that being happy with myself on the inside is key, because by loving myself first I can love someone else honestly and share who I am knowing if it is not right I am ok being alone. I am ok, I really am and that makes me smile, still…it sure would be nice to have someone to hold me once in a while!
Ahhhh life is so grand with all it’s twist and turns, age is my journal of things learned, lost and discovered…life is so beautiful if you allow it to be and see with open eyes and an open mind!