Well since I have laid here for the past few hours unable to sleep pondering the above line I finally decided to put my thoughts down rather than replaying them in my head for another 2 hours before getting up. This house sits on a steep hill and it has been a restless night as I have been unable to sleep with the wind whipping loudly across the windows. I guess I will start with relationships which seems to be the root of all my excess baggage. Those of the opposite sex would be the main source and for me would consist of the following…miss trusted, miss judged, unfaithful, non-communicative, mis-communicated, misinterpreted, controlling, arrogant, self-centered, silent, loud, uncommitted, judgementive, verbally abusive, uncommon, introverted, extroverted, argumentative, non monogamist and dishonest. My friendships have been better chosen although there are a few that held many of the above traits, namely dishonest and mis judged…damn it sounds like the roof is going to fly off here and the wolf is driving me crazy pacing nervously outside the door, anyway…so with the above descriptive words I have to admit I am often too trusting and honest for my own good. I often only see the good in others and avoid seeing the bad for an extended period, usually long enough to have wasted a lot of time which has lead me to now, today. I have picked unhealthy relationships where I have been lied to, cheated on and verbally abused. I have caught my a best friend with my boyfriend and caught a boyfriend with another woman not once but twice…or more. With all the baggage that has been left over the years it is a wonder I can function let alone why anyone would bother to ask me out for a date.
So now is where I have to tell the beauty of it all….I realize that I am not alone. We all have stories and have experienced disappointment from bad decisions. I realize that there are many people out there that just seem to have it together, fail to make these sort of choices and have lead much more satisfying lives in relationships that were healthy. I also realize that I allowed each of the unhealthy relationships to continue in my life for long periods of time and I have no one else to blame but myself. I except that blame but refuse to hold onto it and allow it to hold me back from what I believe lies ahead. I could analyze my life and say my choice of dysfunctional relationships was due to the dysfunctional relationship I witnessed of my mother and father. I am sure that it all affects us when exposed to those things but for me my decisions were because I lacked inner strength and confidence. Something I feel I have found and I am proud of. Those two things will allow me to make better healthier choices with everything in my life.
Even though I feel I have continuously failed with my past choices of men I have to be honest…I was getting something good out of each and every one of them or I would not have stayed. You just dont stay if you are not getting something, as humans we are needy and we all want and we all get. So how is it possible for me to not carry the baggage from my past. Well it is a choice. I dont want the drama, I dont need the anguish and I truly believe that holding on only repeats the pattern. Letting go offers possibilities and allows us to experience new things. We cant erase where we have been but we can change the direction we are going based on what we have learned. We have to have a desire to find our way and for me that is reason enough to let the past go. I know I will make mistakes in the future but I cant let those mistakes hold me back.
I have been told quite often that I open myself up too much, that I am too honest and trusting and that people will take advantage of me because of it. Maybe that is true but the fact remains it is who I am and in order for me to be happy I have to allow myself to be who I am. I now realize I just need to pay more attention and allow myself to walk away from those type of people, not feel bad about it and leave the baggage behind. I don..t have to go out of my way to make everyone like me. You cant make everyone like you it is not possible. Right now I feel better than I can remember ever feeling before. Each day I get up I think of what is possible and it seems I have a smile on my face most of the time. Letting go has made me feel like I am moving forward…I honestly feel I have lost the luggage!