The past month and a half has flown by. I have hardly been able to catch my breath, not because I have been blessed with tons of work-unfortunately, but because I have made up my mind to work as hard as I can on my passion-photography, writing and art when time allows. I have been prepping the art room, ordering supplies and searching for items and ideas so that I can get my work out there. My energy was up and running, I was doing great and then last week I hit a wall.
I suddenly realized that keeping your spirit high is difficult when your family members are struggling. It is weird, almost as if I feel their pain through me even though I am miles away and only connected by daily phone calls. I find so many things going on in my life strange right now, like the fact that I had to put my pup down last October and my sister has put 2 down this year and at least 4 friends have had to do the same. Weird that my Dad is getting married on the day of Todd’s B-day, that Todd passed 7 days after my dog was put to sleep on the b-day of my close friend I was with the night he died. Sad that my step father passed only a few months later, that my nephew got married the week or two before my step fathers death and his wife is expecting a baby. It seems odd that my new pups b-day is the same date as my ex before Todd. That I let my studio go in February, my friend broke up with his GF, sold his condo and moved in with me the week after. He got laid off, his boss died right after the downsize then lost his next job only to find himself wanting more from life, traveling abroad to Italy for a month alone hoping to find himself and realizing that the search had only begun. I recently found out that my old friend and studio partner had a heart attack a few months ago at 49 (she is alive and doing better), what is strange is it happened around the same time I posted about my bad dream in a blog here….that dream-blog just so happen to be about her. Other people close to me are breaking up, having weird things happen and also facing really big changes…it all just makes my head spin and is often just too much to comprehend. I have never had so many things happen in less than a year and these are just the things directly associated to me. I don’t want to read into anything but isn’t it strange the quiencidence of all the dates when there are so many days in a year? What about all those notable people in the media that have died this year…Farrah, MJ, DJ AM, Ted Kennedy, Cronkite, McMahon, Bea Arthur, DeLuise, Les Paul, Steve McNair and Jet Travolta just to name a few. It all just seems like too much all at once, it feels overwhelming, the extreme reminders of death and then life, past and present…
Oddly enough, with all of this negative change sprinkled with some goodness mixed in, with the losses, the gains and the lack of work and money I can still see light ahead. I am excited about the possibility of change, of new beginnings, of the uncomfort and the fear. All these experiences make me believe maybe we are all being reminded that life is short, that we need to stay aware and we need to realize we all have more to do here than we realize. Perhaps this is all God’s way of shaking things up just enough to make bring us to our senses or to awaken us. Those of us lucky enough to be living with our eyes open might realize we have a chance to make new and better choices. To recognize we all have a purpose and that we are not just here to go through the motions, make money and gain status. That we deserve to be happy but we have to be in the drivers seat to know what happiness is for ourselves. That we have to admit our past failures, to face the truths of our choices, to forgive, to send love, to let go and to move on. A month ago I had 3 different ex’s contact me in the same week, one of which I haven’t heard from in ages, it seemed strange to me-like a reminder of my past poor choices. I have realized this week that I still have some deeply seeded anger buried from the hurt toward my ex husband that needs to be released somehow. I have realized that some people no matter what the circumstances can not take accountability for their actions, always need to be right, to accuse others and will always live with a lack of integrity because they can’t be honest with themselves or with others. With that I realize I can choose to not let those people affect me, I can distance myself and only surround myself with positive people whom I have respect for and that makes me happy just knowing it is within my own power to choose.
With all this strangeness I can’t help but wonder how all the changes in the earth, the weather, the geographical changes and with gravitational pull affect how we are acting as people. If animals have the ability to sense things internally through atmospheric pressure changes and through instinct what are we experiencing. I am not alone, many of my friends and others are experiencing unbelievable life experiences and big changes. How much of these changes are directly related to our culture, with all the processed food we eat, the way we farm our fruit, veggies and meat, with our view on religion, with judgment of others and with what we watch on tv or listen to on the radio. With all my struggle and reflection it has made me want to conserve more, eat better, drink less and watch less tv. In fact the news junkie in me has gone cold turkey for a month to CNN and you know what…I feel so much better without the constant chatter of negativity every day. I want to be healthier, to have a clearer mind, to be able to think clear enough so that I can listen to my spirit give me clues to what it is I am supposed to be doing, to discover my purpose and how to give more of my self to inspire others. I know this time of confusion and of clarity is also paving the way to a partner I believe is out there but not yet discovered. Maybe age is creeping in, maybe I am reading too many books or Oprah is influencing me far too much (haha something my ex husband would say when he was mad at me). What ever it is I have found that I stay angry, sad, frustrated and confused much less than before and I seem to smile more, give more of myself to others, I show more love to myself and I feel good living an honest life. I have come to trust that no matter what life still goes as it is supposed to, the bad and the good eventually passes, that it is best to just feel what you can now with no expectations other than joy, that it is all meant to be just as it is playing out. And with all the strangeness I have experienced in less than a year…I am truly happy regardless of the wall I have hit!