March mark’s the beginning of spring, daylight savings time and my birthday. Most of my adult life I was never very excited about birthdays because I did not like the attention that they brought. When I hit 40 and kept hearing all my friends complain about the aging process, I decided I would embrace my age by celebrating so for a few years I really made the event public, had some big parties at the thinking diva treehouse and made the celebration last for weeks. The past few years I continue to embrace the changes that come with aging but I have again gone into a bit of hiding when it comes to celebrating.
Recently as I was spending my quiet Sunday reflecting and awaiting my Super Soul Sunday time on OWN I suddenly felt extremely lonely. I realized that although I have a lot of wonderful friends I don’t have one that I would feel comfortable calling in a moment of need. Most of those who I once felt close to have become intertwined in serious relationships. Although they are still very close friends I would not feel the same sharing with them, that close connection no longer feels so relevant and I would feel I was a bother. As time marches on so do the relationships we build, it is a beautiful thing because I believe the timing of those people being in our lives as they come and go is exactly as it has been planned by that of a higher power. When I look back I had the right people in my life at the right time. Still at times like on that Sunday I question my inner strength. Being so much of an introvert I often feel distanced from others, facebook is a bit of a void yet when faced with the reality like on that Sunday I realized how alone I feel at times. It took me a moment to realize I was really not alone, I remember feeling the frustration and almost panic of not having anyone to talk to in my moment then I realized my best friend, the one I felt I was actually connecting with in THAT moment, that internal connection, that internal voice…was what I believe to be God. I love when those moments occur, I cherish what ever that is, I assume a moment of “SPIRIT”.
I think the biggest thing I hate about aging other than loosing my vanity is watching my parents get older and knowing they will someday no longer be here. It is something that brings me to tears with just the thought and often I have to push it in the back of mind knowing it is always there. As we grow older we experience more loss, we see our friends and partners deal with the loss of their parents and we know that as a part of life, death can not be avoided. Although it hurts we somehow overcome the result of the pain and keep the memories of what once was dear to our hearts in our memories. Someday we will all be memories..then eventually we will no longer be as time will continue to march on and generations pass. This Tuesday, tomorrow I will find out if my Dad has cancer. I am nervous, scared and sad. I am hopeful but don’t want to see any of my family suffer. It is a new place for me and a place I don’t care to be although I have no choice, what ever the outcome I want to be there for him. I had not planed to share that with anyone, but at the same time I started this page to share regardless of the topic. I have felt really emotional since he told me of the biopsy. I lost a whole week with the flu last week and it made me realize how extremely important good health is to our quality of life. Having felt that all last week I am grateful for feeling better but anxious for the result of what lies ahead for my dad. I know so many friends and family members who have already had to deal with these things so I know as life marches on the right people will once again come into my life as I need them. I trust that in my life and I honor how life works so perfectly through all of the ups and downs.
So, as I embrace another birthday I am that much more grateful for each time I get a phone call from mom, from dad, from my sister and from my nephew because I love them all so much. I feel so blessed that they are all still here and want to cherish every moment I have. I wish sometimes I could just stop time to embrace their presence in my life but knowing that can’t happen I have to be grateful at all times for what I have now. I am also grateful for everything I have out side of my family, for all of the people in my life and that includes all of you. Thank you for listening, for wanting to believe there is more and for giving more love. Lets pass on all that we can that is positive so that we can leave something good behind even if it feels so small. Have a wonderful week, sending love….