I am so ready for 2020 to be over, I am sure I am not the only one. Since Covid hit in March, my life has been shaken up with all kinds of difficult emotions. Living life has become a challenge and I want my life to be better. I am attempting to connect with how I am feeling on the inside when I am down rather than numbing which is a much easier option. I want to grow from this experience, moving forward I want to live a better life every day and stop wasting time. I don’t want to complain or say “I can’t wait for life to return to normal.” I am not so sure our “old” normal will ever return. Remember when we thought this would only last a few months?
I have used the tools from many of the books I have read by Brene, Eckhart, Marianne, Louise and Wayne and combined them into my own personal growth therapy. When I am feeling down I ask why and try and dig into all aspects of the moment rather than bury the feelings. I am finding that all this time Covid has created is allowing me to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on in my head. I am becoming more clear with what it is I truly want rather than just focusing on money and staying busy. I am no longer willing to put a bandaid on in the moment and push through life staying busy.
As Americans I believe our culture begins molding us from an early age. We are driven into a certain direction from the moment we start attending school. We learn, become responsible and we need to grow up fast. We have to decide on a career for our life in High School but we are still kids at that age. I still question my career at 55. I believe the majority at the age of 18-20 have no idea what they really want to do. The pressure from our parents and our classmates push us along because college is the next step, then the good job, then the husband and family and so on.
Most of us travel through life so fast we are just going through the motions on auto pilot and then one day we wake up and have no idea where all the time went. We look at our past and think OMG how did I get here? Where did the past 20-30 years go? Something along the way likely took a turn unexpectedly and left an empty feeling inside. We may know exactly what happened or we might not necessarily be able to put our finger on it but something changed and our excitement for life deserted us somewhere along the way.
I have felt stuck on and off for more than 20 years, I have been searching for something that would excite me and I have been fumbling along like an empty vessel. It is always easier to numb socially with friends and I love my time with them, it makes time fly by without any thought. When Covid forced my world to slow down I instantly noticed there was something more that was missing in my life. Covid forced me to sit down and face all of the things I kept pushing aside because I had no other choice.
In March I got quiet, I embraced the uncomfortable and experienced some deep depression. That experience allowed me to do some very deep soul searching about life. It made me start to question what it was that would bring me joy and at first I was so lost I didn’t think there was anything that could make me happy. Each month that passed allowed me to search and understand how all of my life choices had molded me into the person I had become. I knew the importance of forgiving others but I needed to learn how to also forgive myself. I wanted to re-discover what it would take to make me feel good, what would bring me joy? I hope to have another 20 years ahead of me before my body starts to slow me down and I don’t have any time to waste. I needed the time to think deeply about what it is I want. I have heard the terms pivot and reset over and over in the past few months so I know I am not alone. I have seen friends move away, start new jobs and even begin new relationships. Life continues to move forward no matter how slow it may feel it is happening.
I have started to create a bucket list of sorts that makes me excited about life. My path was never the cookie cutter all American dream, husband, family, house in the suburbs, mine has always been a little different than the norm. Although finding love has always been a bit of a struggle and I would enjoy spending the next 20 years with someone special I can not allow that to take away from my journey. I can not allow anything to hold me back from living a better life, I must make my own plans and create my NEW future. By taking a new exciting direction I am sure a partner will show up along the way.
I am actually feeling grateful that Covid has allowed me to think this way because I am again excited about my life ahead despite the down time and lack of income. In the weeks ahead I may share the “what” of all of this but for now what is most important is that I have a new direction. I know God has my back, I can do this and although it may not go as planned the excitement alone has made me a happier person. There is fear that comes with the change but that also adds to the excitement.
As I wrap this up I want to share a moment. Over the weekend while sitting on my friend’s boat at the lake, while the others were in the water, I started to cry. As I was enjoying the beautiful day in the sun watching the cloud formations in the sky a rush of emotion came over me and I felt grateful. Nature always offers me joy and in that moment I realized that living requires feeling alive not just living.
I am ready to live a better life, I am working on how that might look now with this time I have and for now I can daydream about the journey ahead. The plagues of the past eventually ended and life although changed moved on, I plan to be ready.
No one may ever read these thoughts but I have these words to come back to and remind me that I am still here, I still have time and I want to make a difference! If you have read this far my wish for you is the same, get quiet, learn to dream again and believe you can do anything. Remember….living requires feeling alive not just living!
I started Thinking Diva years ago to share my writing as sort of an alter ego in order to protect myself due to the extent of vulnerability my content might create. I never have tried to promote, I knew few would ever see my post and I have always been ok with that because it is a way for me to just let go. Here I can express my journey through life and the challenges of change through writing. I updated this space a few months ago and I plan to continue to use it to share personal thoughts whether anyone reads or not, I don’t care. It is now my own outlet to let go and move forward. This is my path to living a better life every day.