Friday night I went to a party where there were more people than I normally feel comfortable with and found myself wondering why people brag about parties that big, I prefer 30 people or less not 50+. I get a little clostiphobic when I am shoulder to shoulder with people I don’t know and I tend to move off to a back corner while swimming in my anxiety. As I stood back looking around, watching people slowly get louder with the addition of more alcohol, I noticed some faces I recognized but as usual had no idea what their names were. This is the one thing about myself I have always disliked and wished I could change…my inability to remember. While studying art education in college I remember doing name recall exercises in groups and being amazed how some of the others could go as many as 10-15 people in a row remembering each persons name. My ability is maybe 2 and soon even that recall disappeared. It was similar in school with my ability to remember things for test, I would study my ass off and then when the test was placed in front of me I would go completely blank from the anxiety. It was also an issue in speech class and at writers nights making the sharing of my music publicly so painful I eventually disappeared back into my cave and I have not performed in public in over 4 years. I have always had issues with concentration and paying attention and wondered if it is ADD or just a part of who I am. So here I was standing off to the back, anxious and irritated with myself. Every now and then someone would walk up say hi and ask how I was doing, after reminding me the last time we had met…I had no recollection. I felt I was being disrespectful and was a bit ashamed so I soon decided to head home and end the discomfort.
Once home and eventually in bed I began thinking about how different our lives are even from 4 years ago in regard to being sociable. Parties and getting out are still an old school way of social networking but nowadays we do business, interact and make friends with complete strangers on the internet everyday often not thinking twice about who they really are. We know only what they provide through comments on others pages, through their blogs and their pictures. Being from such a different generation it seems so strange yet in ways refreshing how the internet has brought people together without even having had the opportunity to meet face to face in person. So often I am surprised when someone comes up and says hi knowing me from a picture in their friends list and as usual my having no idea who they are…online dating seems even more strange.
So with all this internet stuff are we being real or are we allowing others to only see what or who we want to be? I have to admit at times I have embellished things a bit online but I can’t help being honest most of the time so I feel I share my weaknesses more than I do my successes. I share because it is therapeutic for me and because I feel like it helps others in some strange way. My goal is to inspire without the worry of bragging because me me me me has always been a little difficult for me. Still there is a part of intrigue that comes with a world wide web presence. We can be whoever we want to be and even those who are closest to us may never know the depth of our being. In that I can see both great and terrible things. For me it is the ability to share with strangers with wonder if anyone really reads this, if so are they getting anything out of my words or is it just fluff?