Life holds so many secrets and many times uncovers things that so often make no sense. Belief seems to be my primary source of comfort both when I am at my lowest point and when I am at my highest point in life. Through a lot of personal work over the years I have uncovered my stories, tried hard to let them go rather than bury them and move forward so that I could change my path in life. I have lived through good and bad times, feel as though I have made a lifetime of mistakes (as we all do) and have no hard feelings nor blame for anyone but myself. I put myself in every situation I was in right or wrong and knew in my gut if it felt right or wrong when I was in each place. It was in those times that I knew and never paid attention or didn’t want to believe that the situations was wrong for me. I choose to snub the inner voice and let things take a path that time proved was not supposed to be, each time for the hope of being loved and finding happiness. Those are the choices that I have learned the most from and I know now that they were all made for only one reason. I want love… to be loved and to feel loved and that can not happen until I love me. I have said it over and over and will probably say it again but at least now it is a constant thought. I can’t sort of love me or sometimes love me, I have to love who I am and be ok with me, there is no other way, it cant work outside of me until it works with in me. I have known that and fought with it all my life.
Tonight however I had an profound thought…..that enormous light bulb went off and I pondered this “loving me” knowledge from a different perspective. There is another side to this I never really thought of before now, it is a two way street, I can not be loved or feel loved by someone who does not love them self. It can’t work, it doesn’t work and it has not worked in any of my past relationships. It was not necessarily that the choices were bad it was more the fact that, in my opinion, none of the men of my past truly loved themselves and because of that they were incapable of loving me. Now don’t get me wrong…that does not make up for infidelity, dishonesty or verbal abuse but it does make since. Seeing that, believing that and knowing how it all works it is now my belief that to find true and meaningful love you have to first love yourself and then you will attract that love back into your life because you will see what is healthy and what is not. When you become healthy inside you bring healthy people into your life. It is no different than if you are rich and successful you draw rich successful people into your life. If you are angry and unhappy you draw angry and unhappy people into your life…and on it goes.
I guess we all feel we learn more from the mistakes than from the good things, I only wish we could focus more on the good things and less on the mistakes. I have been sad for a while, hopeful at times and unsure of the road ahead. I can’t say what won’t be happening next year but I can say with great assurance that it will hold many new and wonderful things for me both personally and in business. I have put it into motion and will only allow happiness to come my way. I am tired, I want to smile, I want to laugh and I want to…well just be happy. Right now I am willing to myself great times, great friends and lots of money! Love….well, the only focus on love for now is to love me, to focus on what I need to do and to get myself together so that I can love and be loved the way it was intended. I am grateful for everything I have and I have plenty. I am grateful for all that I have had both right and wrong because it has brought me to this place…this place of thinking, acceptance, admission, certainty, conclusion, confidence, expectation, faith, feeling, intuition, knowledge, mindset, thinking, trust and understanding. In that sentence is everything I have been searching for, for the past 42 years, if I had only looked at the Rogets Thesaurus sooner….see for yourself!