I have to admit something is going on. I am unsure of what it is but I can feel something deep inside that I can’t explain. Over the past few years I have studied metaphysics a little and read numerous self-help books. I have been on a spiritual search and feel I have come to an awakening of sorts but I still feel there is some little something still missing, I can’t put my finger on it and I have no idea what it is but I feel it is there. Does any of that make sense to any one else? I have been in Nashville now for almost 9 years and have hoped that in that amount of time I would burry my past, re-invent who I am and become an amazing new persona that could change the world. Perhaps a little corny to the masses but I have always been a dreamer. I think I have always hoped that I could be one of those people who had that instant life changing moment that would remold me into someone different, full of meaning, confidence and insight, someone who made a difference, someone you read about or see in some documentary on tv. I have always thought that those things happened in a flash and one day you are just different.
This past week I was re-united with some old high school friends through facebook after I was tagged in some pictures posted from around 1981-1983. For some reason it has stirred up a lot of emotions and some realities I have not thought of before or perhaps they were just buried. When I look at those people of my past and see where they are now, all of their lives seem to be centered around family, kids and their significant other. As I have said before, for the first time in my life I feel really comfortable with who I am and with not being in a relationship. Yet, this week I am feeling like I have fallen short because I have no responsibility other than making sure I pay my bills each month. I have no other obligations, no one to worry about, no where to be, no one who wonders where I am if I don’t come home (other than the big white pink eared dog). All of a sudden it feels so strange to me and I have to admit I feel a little out of sorts. I feel so free and content yet at the same time that I missed out on life’s true gift…that of giving life, a family, being a mom, giving my life to someone else rather than just focusing on myself.
Last night I pulled my old year books out wanting to see a picture of someone I heard had passed away, I knew the name but needed to connect a face. I found myself engulfed in those books for an hour, looking at all the pictures and reading all the notes my friends had left in between each page. The strangest part of the hour was knowing it was me back then but not really recognizing that person any more. I read my senior yearbook post and it said that I hoped to be happily married “someday”, to have a successful career and to make my parents proud. As I sat there a little teary eyed I realized how much we make words take on meaning that society has buttered us up into believing is the only way we will be happy. I had a marriage and although I am sure it was happy in the beginning it was not in the end and it has made me wonder if I will ever cross that bridge again. I know my career has been successful but where I stand right now I feel it is in need of some huge changes due to technology shifts and I am questioning everything in regards to what I am truly supposed to be doing. I do feel like I have made my parents proud but at the same time I believe they were always proud of me so in a sense that was just an empty statement a 17 year old thinks when faced with the reality of adulthood.
I have felt lately I am floundering around like a fish out of water, even writing this feeling like there is really no direction just hoping something will shift in an instant, that a light bulb will go off and in that moment I will be a different person. Even with self love and spirit how come I am not complete? How can I love “ME” yet feel I am still looking for a purpose, I don’t want to call it career but I know what we do with our time holds as much importance as loving ourselves and believing in God or what ever you want to name it. My idea of the person I want to be is someone who gives something back to the world in a way that truly makes a difference. The person I feel like I am is invisible. I think this goes back to the way we put meaning to things, the way we beat ourselves up at times. The weirdest part of this whole thing is that I love “ME” right now, I do feel comfortable in my skin, with my spirituality and my relationship with God. So if I have that knowing I never had that comfort in my past why does it still feel as if I am still falling short?
So many questions, so much more in this life to learn and wanting so badly to understand it all. Sitting here this morning as I write, I am enjoying the gentle breeze coming through the window. I can hear a flurry of birds, many different kinds in the distance chattering amongst themselves. I can hear the neighbor talking baby talk to their little one as she speaks back in some strange language only a parent would understand. Someone just cranked up some music, I think it is Tracy Chapman as I recognize the melody yet I can’t make out the song. Such simple things yet all of them make me feel better. In this exact moment of my self indulged confusion I feel a little relief just from the sounds softly filtering in, the perfect temperature, the sun, the blue sky. Although it is not completely quiet I think this is what quiet is supposed to be. Today no matter what my state of mind, or perhaps confusion I think I will spend my day alone out in my yard just being, enjoying the spring weather, doing a few chores and thinking about my life. I am sure another post will come from this and my hope is that it will be insightful. If not for you at least for me. Have a wonderful weekend everyone, sending love and thank you for reading! SMOOCH!!!!