Healing, relationships and dating….maybe it is time to start getting my feet wet again?
11 months ago I broke off a 2 year relationship that just was not working, unfortunately he passed away 7 months later and it has made the healing a bit more difficult. Normally I would have gone out right away with my searching and most likely jumped into something right away. That was how it always happened, never giving myself time to really deal with everything and drowning my failures with the excitement of something new. This time I really thought hard and figured if I could continue to keep jumping into serious relationships for several years and not being happy, why not work on staying single and being happy for a change. With the exception of a few…very few dates I have gotten a bit comfortable with my singleness. The best thing singleness has given me is time for me, in the past I always became lost in the other person…a bit of codependency perhaps. I realize now it was because I did not know who I was, I did not love myself and it was easier to love someone else so I would not have to face those things. I was trying so hard to find someone who could make me feel whole but didn’t realize that wholeness is not something someone else gives you it comes within. We have to feel complete within ourselves before we can ever have a healthy relationship with someone else. I have searched within my self to find out what I like to do, what I want and how to overcome some personal issues that were blindly leading me into those unhealthy relationships. I feel like my mind is clearer, I know more about what I am looking for in a man and best of all that I can survive with out one. All that being said I have to be honest in saying I do want a partner. I want to be in love and to be happy sharing my life with someone. When in a relationship I am loyal, honest and committed but I expect the same from my partner.
So here I am, no longer a 30 something, looking out at the options and thinking it seems a bit tougher than it was back in my younger years. I tried the online dating thing a few times years ago but have realized it is not for me. Where I stand now, I think I am ready to finally open my eyes, if someone comes along, is interested and I reciprocate then we will see where it goes. I have been married, it is not something I am against but it is also not something I am searching for and it will not happen again unless I really feel in my gut it is right. With age I have become wiser, pickier and complacent. I don’t want someone who feels they have to make choices for me, take care of me or speak for me. I can take care of myself and I want a partner not a keeper. I want someone who compliments my life who I can laugh with and who I adore.Â There are many things I remember from the past online dating world that to this day makes me laugh and makes me run. I won’t speak for other women and realizing men & women are wired differently, I may be off on my interpretations but the few things below are real turn off’s!
“I work hard and play hard” A man who works hard is a great turn on to me and I am generally not attracted to the lazy but the playing hard….all that says to me at my age is he parties too much and chances are he is way more than I care to deal with, just having to make a statement like that makes me think perhaps he has a bit of an ego.
When a guy picks an age range that doesn’t include his own or picks one young enough to be his daughter….that says he is after one thing and it is not deep conversation. I have always found it troubling that a 40 year old man would list he is interested in a woman in her 20 something. Eye candy is great for getting looks and building ego but I can’t imagine it is all that fulfilling. As adults we change so much every 10 years. I want someone who is on the same path of maturity as I am and I prefer someone who sees the beauty with in not just on the outside. This is one of those “wired differently” issues I am sure…women tend to love men more for who they are, the exterior then becomes more attractive. Men like the package and are more attracted to that first….am I right here?
“If you have baggage don’t bother!” Now come on, there is not one of us lucky enough to not have baggage at our age! I think baggage is good because it means you have life experience it is just what you do with that baggage that matters. Do you share, pass it on or toss it under the bed because it is behind you and there is no reason to revisit??
A man who states they like candle light dinners and long walks…strikes me as stretching the truth to fill that ever playing ideal of what women want. Tell us what you really like and what you want, chances are if it is going last we are going to find out sooner or later any way.
And a few things I think might be universal in what women want…..
-the toilet seat down
-compliments but keep in mind timing is everything
-chew with you mouth closed, manners say a lot
-laughter and playfulness
-clothes in the hamper not on the floor
-fast cars are ok but fast hands…not so much
-good listening skills, it really matters and yes sometimes we do test you…
-pet lovers understand pet lovers and visa versa…
-attraction, just like men if it is not there nothing can be expected
-intimacy and attention on occasion
-and most imporantly….honesty
So this started short and ended long as usual. As far as dating goes some may think I am too picky or perhaps a bit uptight. I have always been one to openly express my ideals knowing and believing we are all different and entitled to our own opinions. I am in no rush to get into a serious relationship but with valentines just around the corner and being very much a single woman, maybe, just maybe it is time to start getting my feet wet again, trouble is I might have forgotten just how exactly that is done, any ideas???