This was written last week before everything happened with regards to the protest over George Floyd’s death, I could have never imagined how the weekend would play out in regards to anger.
I have felt it brewing just under the surface for months. It comes and it goes, it makes me feel insecure, sad and it makes me question everything. I have no idea why I can’t shake it, there is not one specific thing I can point to but I am convinced that what I am exposed to online and the act of constantly comparing myself to others is likely the biggest culprit. Today I am full of deceptive anger caused by Covid 19.
Since we were first introduced to this new way of living while dealing with a Pandemic I have been alone in my home, alone with my dog, alone with myself for more than 70 days….did I mention alone? While I have gotten out for groceries and the occasional visit with a few select friends, life at the moment is very isolated. My friends would agree that I am strong and content with being alone and that I do well on my own. They would say I am an introvert, a creative, that I am wired that way and that I am likely doing better than the rest. For the most part this is all true but because this is a ”forced isolation” it feels very different and it has put me in the most insecure place mentally I have ever been. For what ever reason anger seems to filter through my thoughts more than ever in the past.
I know I am a strong person, I have grown and improved with every negative life experience and I know that the same will come from this event. This has been the most unique of all of my past experiences because of the mere fact that I haven’t had a choice, no one has had much of a choice and no matter how you have dealt with the time it has affected all of us in some way. My time alone means that the voice inside my head that never shuts up has become louder than ever. I have purposely made an effort to not allow myself to numb (alcohol or tv) as a way to soften the experience. Instead I have chosen to be completely aware of my thinking and my feelings “in the now” as Sir Tolle would say. But, what I have come to realize is that our social feeds, our emails and our conversations with others are cluttered with the heaviness of all that is around us and there really is no way to escape.
I awoke in an angry mood today….or as my little sister would say “In a Mood,” and in fact I have had many angry days recently. I hate feeling angry, it is embarrassing to me. I don’t like the negativity, it is one emotion I absolutely loathe because of how it makes me feel, how it makes me think and who I am in that space. It is strange how it can bubble up from nowhere and infuse into every thought.
I was a very angry kid, that anger always lead me to shame and then to a feeling of guilt. A therapist helped me to uncover where these feelings likely started and how they grew into triggers that I still struggle with sometimes. It amazes me that a few single events between the ages of 4-6 could create more than 50 years of internal strife. Past relationship choices, life choices and negative self-talk have all circled around and been associated with those early events. With this new knowledge of how those thoughts affect my internal truth, I usually can change the outcome of my mood quickly.
All of my anger, shame and guilt are the results of my negative thoughts and self talk. The not good enoughs, not interesting enough, not pretty enough voices that I have struggled with my entire life seem even louder today with all of this isolation, with all of this alone time to think. The uneasy feeling that where I am now is not where I thought I would be at this age. I have spent years doing personal work, learning how to forgive those who have hurt me and trying to let go of the pain and anger. My boredom and need for human connection has made me hyper sensitive to all that is around me right now. This deceptive anger caused by Covid 19 is noticeable through social opinions with conviction, the need to be heard and the negativity bleeding into our thoughts.
I am making better choices based on what I believe to be best versus what I used to gravitate towards in hopes that those life altering childhood events AKA my story will disappear. I have preached through sharing online to strangers about the importance of self love, vulnerability and transparency. All of the while feeling as if I am an imposter spewing my own shit when alone at home with my thoughts that lately I just can’t seem to make go away. Why do I continue to come back to self blame and why in heaven’s name can’t I forgive me PERMANENTLY? Covid feels like more than a virus right now, it has offered a LOT of time to overthink.
I am a positive person….at times, I am grateful for so many things in my life, I am not unhappy, I am forgiving and loving most of the time BUT I am human. Somedays this voice will not stop with the harsh and negative self talk and I hate the inner feelings of anger that are left in those times. I know I need to be kind toward myself. Our world around us, depending on how you are taking it all in can sway all of what is believed to be true. There are so many things outside of us that make us angry…the political reahm, the justice realm, the hate and the selfishness. We need to be very aware of how these things are effecting us subconsciously. We need to remind ourselves that there is a LOT of goodness in this world, people are doing amazing things and love does exist.
These days spent alone in my home investigating my mood changes, triggers and thoughts all point to one thing…we need human interaction. I am alive because I am feeling the emotions of all that is happening within me based on what is around me. I have a choice in what I allow myself to experience but I do not always have the inner strength to control how I will allow it to influence my feelings and emotions. That hamster wheel of thoughts speaking to me in my head every moment of every day is very powerful. I need to feed those thoughts with positive things not negative if I want to grow in a positive way.
All of this rambling started because I awoke feeling lost, very angry and not wanting to feel either of those emotions. I made a call to a friend who I don’t talk with often but who always brings me back to reality. She is brave, she is kind, she is wise and has been sober for many years, that combination has given her the tools that also brought her to sobriety. Those same tools that she is kind enough to share with me have always helped me get back in touch with reality and I am truly grateful for her friendship. I know that when I hear her voice she can always talk me down (even if not completely) from that ledge of self abuse, this morning she did just that for me. At the end of our sharing she simply said..look at what you have done in your life despite all the negative things, you are strong. And she is right, I am strong, you are strong, we all are strong! Sometimes we just need an outsider to help change our focus, to remind us what we are feeling is ok even if it is negative because the sum of who we are is a part of all things the good and the bad. Thank you for your coaching TR, I love you more than you could ever know.
As I leave you I am sure most of you are also experiencing different levels of emotions and mood swings brought on from this strange place we are in created from a Pandemic. We would have never believed we would be where we are right now in this moment 4 months ago. I am a true believer that no matter what, love and kindness are the key to happiness. I would love for you to share your feelings and thoughts right now…lets share because as humans it helps us to feel connected and right now I know that is more important than ever before.
Sending love….pass it on! xoxo
*NOTE – Several years ago I used this platform to share my thoughts but somewhere along the way life got busy, my daily regiment changed and I started sharing through FB. I have decided to reboot Thinking Diva because I am in the process of writing a book and want to share. COVID-19 has stopped my day job so I don’t have much else I can do. I would love to know if any of my post resognate in you and if they offer you any value, please share with me and with others if so!