Am I being tested here….
It has been a testing several months, I have slipped from the public scene, completely uninterested in the dating scene and hidden away behind closed doors as I often do when I am in a funk. I cant help but think that this is all a big test of my ability to endure as I am trying to create a new path in life. I am trying to stay positive…
It seemed to start a few months ago when my boy friend and I split after a year and a half and he moved out. It was a difficult time both emotionally and financially. Then my father had to put his dog of 12 years to sleep and I was taken by the phone call of his voice so broken and hurt on the other end. I have never heard my Dad break down as he did that day on the phone, it completely broke my heart. Then a call from my Mother saying my nephew had taken the rap for a girl he liked at a party claiming he had keyed a car (when in fact she had and he was trying to be a hero). The crime is considered a felony and he was to go to court over the incident, my family had to find a good lawyer. He is a bright young man in college and this could really hurt him in his career because a felony is not the greatest thing to have on your resume. His court date was today, fortunately the judge agreed that he would not be charged as long as he pays the 4000$ for the damage to the car, I assume the money spent on the good lawyer paid off. A few weeks ago another call from home and my sister had to put her dog down after it mysteriously became completely paralyzed over night. My family has always been animal lovers so when we lose a pet it is like a family member. Then there is the current state of our economy, the summer has been painfully slow and work has not been as plentiful as it usually is so that makes for a less than comfortable lifestyle when you are an artist. 2 weeks ago my step father had to get a pacemaker put in after years of bad health, heart issues and bypass surgery. Last night he was rushed to the hospital and is still there due to some complications. My mother has lost a lot of weight due to the stress and I am concerned about her health in relation to all of these things. My sister called today to tell me my dad had been stung at least 14 times my a swarm of wasp last night and although he would no go to the hospital he is doing better today. I am still upset that he wouldnt go and even more so that I am so far away. And finally after weeks of worry about my pup, a mysterious limp that my vet said was in need of knee surgery, a struggle to find a surgeon who would take him because most will not work on wolf hybrid breeds I found out today he has cancer in that leg and tomorrow is scheduled for surgery to have his leg amputated in hopes of stopping the cancer.
I swear right now my life feels like something out of a movie. Am I being tested here because this sure is a lot of shit all at once. Honestly I have been able to stay pretty positive through all of this up until today, but then a lot did happen today. I am sad and really fighting with being depressed over all of this. I am praying for my step dad and hoping to get down to Florida soon and visit he and the rest of my family…it has been way too long. The thought of loosing my best buddy right now leaves me weak and I am crying just sitting here thinking about it. I am heart broken that he will loose his leg tomorrow and even more worried that there is a possibility he may not be here with me by the end of the year. I have no idea how I will pay for the vet bill other than running up the credit card debt and am worried about the emptiness I will face if he doesn’t make it through the cancer. For the past 6 years this pup has been my best friend, my live in companion and a true gift of love. He has been there through everything I have endured here with my new life in Nashville.
I usually keep these times of sadness to myself because I enjoy trying to inspire others with my blogs and I want to be positive rather than negative. I have sat here for a while trying to decide if I should post this or not…I guess I am hoping that those of you who have emailed me over the years telling me I inspired you through my words will please send me some prayers, some hope. I could really use something positive to hold onto right now. I know things could always be worse and there are always others out there in more need but it still hurts the same. I shot a photo of my best bud tonight (my new profile pic at the moment), it was tough because he really did not want the photo taken and I had a hard time focusing the camera through the tears….