I cant shake this feeling…we have all felt it. That sickening feeling we get from deep down in our gut when we finally face a lost love, a broken relationship, a breakup. It makes you sad, it fills you and shakes you to the core. At moments you see the other side thinking through the list of why you will be better off…you replay it over and over and it helps. You might smile and think to yourself this time I will be more careful, I will be more aware as to not make the same mistakes. So not to trust something that is untrustable, to not get involved with one which can not be open or capable of letting you see deep inside the others heart. Then at any moment throughout the day you are brought to your knees. Your chest aches, your stomach feels sick, your heart feels empty and you cry. You beg for God to please make you feel better. You wish it could have been as you wanted it to be. You are mad at him, you are mad at your self, you are lonely, minutes pass, maybe hours then you are once again weak. A fragile tired being who wants to talk to no one. You lock yourself away and feel these things over and over for days on end.
I wrote those words a week or so ago, I am feeling much better now even though I just had an awakening…
A word on pocket dialing…be careful. I just heard (for an hour) my sort of ex intimately involved with a…well there are words for girls like “Katie” on the road but lets just say young and stupid girl. I am not sure who is stupider though him or her. Anyway without going into detail it settled my mind from a struggle I was having for a while. I am not all that surprised and I feel like I am stronger for the free info..so to speak. Yes the universe works in strange ways. The thing is he still lives with me and although I have asked him to move out a while ago his time on the road has taken away his time to make arrangements to go, I have been understanding, until now. Honestly I feel like he is a dog! In his last intended call to me just 7 hours earlier he missed me, he loves me so much and can’t live without me, he cant wait to get home to make up with me, he is hurting, he is sorry. I listened quietly until he said he loved me and hung up. This was actually the second accidental pocket dial and I have to say it gives new meaning to “I wish I could be a fly on the wall”, no visuals needed. TG, save the bullshit and grow up. It must really feel like shit to be caught red handed so to speak. Unfortunately this is the 4th guy in my lifetime I dated that I caught red-handed. That really sucks! At the moment I am fighting the idea that all men are the same. Please someone tell me different I could use some positive words right now.
So without focusing on what really doesn’t matter anymore I have to ask…when do you know to trust that feeling in your gut that tells you someone is not who your think they are? Especially when you keep dating those kind of men? I trust because I don’t want to carry over the baggage from the last disaster and I don’t want to accuse because of my insecurities. Maybe I am naive or just stupid but I don’t want to fall into that negative place where I dont try to love again because of fear. But then how will I know if that feeling of distrust is real or brought on from my past. With this…lets call him, pocket dial ex…or PDE, I had the feeling he was not who he was from the start. Of course I didnt listen because I thought I was just being paranoid and I fell in love, he was special. The guy before him had lied and cheated to the point where even his mother covered for him once. So how do you trust a man and that feeling of doubt. PDE has lied about everything and I kept forgiving and kept opening my heart, why? From where I am standing the last 3 serious relationships after my husband have been nothing but disasters. The one before my marriage was no different and obviously my marriage was a disaster for different reasons. Not one had been honest and the 4 guys other than my ex husband were dishonest and unfaithful. All I want is to be in a serious relationship with an honest man, to be happy and to be loved, is that such a hard thing to find? I found only the serious part in all of them, although I believe that somewhere within all of them there was a form of love. I believe that true love is honest though so where does that leave all my past relationships…has it all just been a lie. I have read that we attract those who mirror who we are. I have tried and tried to understand this and it makes no sense. I am honest…sometimes too honest, hell I bare my soul right here for all to see. I would never cheat on someone I was in a relationship with especially living with them.
So right now I am numb. The tears stopped days ago, well maybe one or two. PDE has been partying his past few weeks away on the road, that I know and I am sure there is much more I do not know and that is a good thing. I know just enough to be sure he is not my kind of guy, I wanted him to be but he couldnt be honest and that hurts so bad. He has no idea how bad. He is on a plane headed home and although the last thing I heard on his phone earlier was him discovering the open phone line and saying “Oh my God, Fuck…not again” before the line went dead. I am supposed to pick him up at the airport, curious if he will call and act as though nothing happened hoping I did not hear anything. Maybe he will call to say he has another ride and feel as though he has escaped the firing squad when I am calm and collected. I am sure he will feel something when he tries to hug me and my knowing he has another woman still on his skin and breath…well that sickens me. How will he feel when he reads this? I am sure he will be pissed and somehow turn it around to look as if I deserved it all. Maybe if he hates me it will make it all easier. Why should I hide, I feel better just putting these words down and he has to live with himself and who he is…I am ok. I am unsure of how I will act, maybe I will just be quiet or maybe I will loose it, who knows. I know it will be an uncomfortable few weeks. Through all of his negative traits I still see good in him, I hoped I could be different for him, that I could save him from all the pain he has had in his life. I will forgive him and I will wish only the best for him and pray to God that he finds a way to find happiness because his life has been so difficult and his childhood is all to blame. Some just are not able to get over those things and it breaks my heart. I definitely have some healing to do and will not be able to do so until he is gone. I am ok, with all the work I have done over the last year I know I am in a better place and this is the beginning of a new me. It will take some time but I will trust again but I will be in a better place this time before jumping in, perhaps all the other lessons were to teach me to take my time, to not move so fast and to really pay attention. Pay attention to what is on the inside first…what is in my gut. I have learned to love myself and I want to find someone who understands that and loves himself. I am ok…I will not let men like these ruin my belief that there are some good ones out there. They always say the nice girls attract the bad ones and visa versa. I need to find one of the guys who understands honesty and integrity. I have that and I can stand tall and secure in my shoes.
So as I end this blog and start my Saturday, a word on pocket dialing…BE CAREFUL. Ahhh we sure do live in a different era, arent electronics great!