I had a bad dream last night, I dreamt I used an old key and walked into my old photo studio in Florida to have a business meeting with 3 men who were interested in my work. The place looked the same and my desk was still there but it was sparse with only a few old ceramic cups I made in college, a few pens and an old Mac G-3 with the chord wrapped around a 17 inch old Sony monitor. I remember going through the fridge and digging out 3 mixed brands of beer that were old as hell and pouring them into small thin tiny glasses. The guys were from Spain and because I had visited there many times in my past I figured the men wouldn’t think much about my not offering a n individual bottle because it was how they generally were served beer in there country, same glasses and I could hide the brand and portion…it worked they thought nothing of it and the meeting went on. That is until I heard the key in the door, it was my old business partner and once best friend. I played it cool, she was as I remembered her to be at the time I left my past life 8 years ago and the sickening, sad, stabbing pain of my past was also there as I faced her. I played it cool quietly pulling her into the office and telling her how much she meant to me, how my meeting would only take a minute and I wanted to have a long emotional talk with her because I missed her and needed to complete some things with her. Her response was no different than what I remembered of my past, she was cold, she couldn’t look me in the eye and she said to realize that she would be saying things in her emotional state I would not like….I awoke.
Why did this dream happen, what is it telling me…I believe I dream a lot but I rarely remember them and I never am affected enough to get up and explain them in such vivid detail. Lying here I feel the pain and emptiness I felt 8 years ago, something I have carefully and difficultly tucked away, put in my past and almost never visit because nothing about it feels good. In fact nothing happy comes to mind from that place in my life. How is it that no matter what I do I can only remember one or two good events in the 10 years I was in that place. I know there were many more but for some reason they have been blocked out of my mind. Looking back to the year I came to Nashville I realize how traumatic 2001 was for me and it all became extremely real right around the time 911 happened. An entire year somehow became a blur of change and non existence filled with confusion, loneliness and a sea of tears. I somehow gained the courage to leave a career that was in its highest level of success, a 10 year verbally abusive relationship I was scared for my life of, my entire personal savings and most of our personal belongings (the material things), a woman I thought was the closest and best friend of all time and everything else that had grown over ten years of my early blossoming adult life. From the outside my ex and I looked as if we were the perfect all American young couple. We had the perfect house in the best neighborhood, the cars, boats, coolest of toys, took the long vacations to foreign places, I had the perfect career and made lot’s of money, savings in the bank, no debt and a beautiful husband that women drooled over. I actually had a friend that asked me how I could leave such a beautiful man even knowing the situation then jokingly asking if she could have him. All of a sudden I was in a town I picked on a whim, I knew no-one, I was miles away from my family, no job, no friends, no income and just enough money (if I was careful) that would last me a very short time before panic set in. I lived in a rented loft near downtown in a seedy part of town I wouldn’t dare let my family know about. Within a mile of my home there were topless bars, sex parlors, prostitutes and vagrants outside my door. I think I cried every day for an entire year and I have no idea what I actually did in that year not only personally but financially. Strangely enough not once did I ever want to go back to where I came from nor did I ever think I did the wrong thing.
So now I sit here 4 AM once again wondering why I had the dream. This year has been a moving one much like that of 2001-2002. Like then it has dealt with life ending as I knew it but the difference is that an actual life was not lost. I guess it only moved on to a new place so is that really different? I am sure that it depends on how spiritual you are. It feels like the long term effects from the glacier that was slowly melting over the course of 10 years back then does not even compare to what my soul has experienced over the past few months. Those changes back then came about slowly over many years giving me a lot of time to think, reflect and decide what I wanted to do. Death does not give that luxury it is over, final and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change anything. Not a conversation, not one phone call not a last hug or kiss. All that you have is the memory of what you lost with no way to make it feel real again. There is a missing piece, an emptiness and there is no way to make that go away, I don’t know that it ever goes away, it gets a little easier but it is always there. It seems so strange to me that in a minute an event in life can change your life in a way that is so earth shattering it feels as if you are dreaming. I feel a huge inner change in me now from all of this. I wake up and feel happy, I feel grateful and I want each day to mean something. Just the thought that each day we are alive is one less day we have to live gives me strength to want to do more, try harder and not let the stupid shit mean so much. With all bad that is happening here and around the world I feel like if we just let go of our stupid egos,realized we all started the same, that we are all connected, equal in likeness and just showed more love and compassion to one another allowing our differences and excepting them as gifts the world would be a happier place. Love everyone….BIG has the right idea. I’ll sign up for that and maybe as more people decide to do the same our world will change, our lives will change and we will be happier in this short amount of time we have to be alive! Wow I sure am long winded for 4 AM…I guess it is a good thing I am not dating anyone right now!!!