It has been difficult to keep my mind focused on work. Today the news came I have awaited for a week, my beloved pup of only 6 years has renal failure and will likely have to be put down sometime soon. My heart is breaking with the news and yet I know that life is once again teaching me something positive in a sea of what feels negative right now. I have always thought of writing a book called “My Conversations with God.” It seems I have them often, when things are good and when things are bad. I have had numerous conversations with God lately, in the past week I have asked for a chance to have my pup for a few more years but I also trust in my higher power, it is in his hands as to what my path ahead is to be, not just with my pet but with my life. In the past 7 years I have experiences so many losses, pets, lovers, best friends and family members. Perhaps this is life’s way of preparing me for change by allowing my grief to also bring gratitude even when experiencing those things I have no control over.
I know I am on my way to my next chapter. Over the years I have learned to be a little more in tuned to things even though I am constantly questioning my thinking. I can’t explain exactly what I mean by that but I feel more connected to life and to experiences than I ever did in the past, perhaps my quality of quiet time has allowed a deeper sense of meaning within. A few weeks ago I remember thinking one night as I looked at my dog there was a weird feeling of sadness in his eyes I had seen in Mozart’s (my last pup) before I learned of his cancer. I can’t fully explain it but I was more aware of that thought with D, because I remembered that moment after the fact with Mozi. I remember saying as I let D out that night I love you so much but feeling like something felt uncomfortable, of course I brushed it off because he is so young and it was one of those -less than a second- thought. I have noticed he seems to be more attached to me, following me around the house more than in the past. Small little thoughts briefly crossed my mind before any of this knowledge was brought to light of this unexpected health issue….so strange.
Deisel is my angel, I tell him that all the time. When in 2008 I lost my dog Mozart to cancer, my once boyfriend to depression and a drug overdose and my step father to heart failure. I felt as if Deisel saved me by becoming my healer. That was a very dark time with a very cloudy recollection for a year or two but I do remember watching this pup grow, love me and become a part of my life. For those of us who are true pet lovers we understand that unconditional bond that develops, it is something that words can not explain. It is heart felt, and today my heart hurts with the news. I know there will be a day when I will have to allow the vet to give that fetal shot and Deisel will enter on to a peaceful sleep as he passes, I experienced that with Mozart and it was difficult. I also know I will continue to feel loss with those around me because with life comes death and it is a continued cycle until it is our turn.
From where I stand now I do believe in the saying that when one door closes another one opens. While my eyes will most likely not be dry for sometime I know that there are always good things ahead regardless of the hurt I am feeling right now. God continues to bless me with beautiful life experiences, I choose to keep love in my heart and happiness in my life no matter what happens. I will cherish each day I have from this day forward with my best friend Big D until fate calls upon him to leave me. Each walk will carry more meaning, each time he slings his metal bowl across the deck I will laugh harder, each night before bed as I give him a hug and a kiss on the nose I will be sure he knows how much he truly means to me. I love my big dog, this will be hard but I will make the best of it with the time I have.
I saw a post on FB recently where a 6 year old child had to experience the procedure of losing his pet, the child’s response was “People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The six-year-old continued, “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”
That really registered in me (here is the story if you want to read more).
I have not written much since learning my Dad had cancer although I have so much inside I want to share. This was good to get out I hope you can feel connected with what was said. Thank you for reading, sending love and hoping you will pass it on….