I am not sure why but it seems I always get sad this time of year. I am not sure if it is because of the cold weather, the upcoming holiday’s or just age creeping in on me. It was this time of year when I asked my husband for a divorce many years ago, in fact it has since been around this time of year that most of my past relationships have ended. This is the time of year my work slows down and money gets tight, when that happens it is often hard to stay happy. It was this time last year that my good friend and mentor Rusty Flynn came through town…later near Christmas I would learn he ended his life because of a life long battle with depression. I lost my grandmother this year and I miss her dearly, it is even harder to know that this is the first holiday season in my mothers life that she will not celebrate with her mother.
I have made an effort here to keep my blogs uplifting, to always end on a positive note no matter how down I was at the time of posting. I will do my best to uphold that with this one but at the same time I feel the need to just get the words and feelings out no matter where they might lead. That being said I guess I will say this in advance, no matter how positive people may appear on the outside as human beings we all have times of darkness and struggle where we have to face our inner fears. The positive only comes after we reflect on the negative and it only comes if we put an effort into believing that something good always happens from our suffering. We can choose to stay in a sad state and live with out hope or we can choose to allow sadness to come and know that in time it will pass if we believe it is so. The power of our mind and our thoughts is within us and as difficult as it is to control the ability to learn how to do so and the discipline that it takes is the difference between living a life of abundance or living a life of mediocrity.
These feelings have been following me for a few weeks now and I can’t figure out a solution. I have searched my mind over to figure out where this sadness is coming from within me, what is the cause and how can I fix it. The answer…is actually more of a question, and it makes it that much more difficult to answer. Why is it that I so often feel so lonely, so empty. Is this something we all feel or is it just one of those things that over time has become part of “my story”. I have heard over and over that if you believe there is a God and what he or she stands for, that you can’t be lonely. I do believe there is a higher power and I believe this is only a place we start from, that there is much more after we are gone but I still feel lonely. Am I doing something wrong? I have also heard that if you love yourself you bring worth to your inner being and it seems to me that in turn there would be no feeling of loneliness because you would feel content. I still feel lonely. I will admit that loving myself is still a struggle but it is getting better.
So my story…the one of loneliness. Well I was not abandoned as a child nor was I left by a parent but I did spend a lot of time alone. In fact, even now I love being alone, sometimes I believe too much. I have a wonderful family, I have always felt loved by them and always known that no matter what, they have always been there for me. As a child the 4 year difference in age of my younger sister, the fact that my parents worked a lot and that we lived in the country made for many hours a day alone, usually after school. I would sit under my favorite patch of pine trees, lie on my back watching the clouds roll by over head and daydream. Often I would write but mostly it was just about lying there and thinking. What I thought of back then…other than wanting to be a singer/artist and I am sure boy’s, I can’t really say for sure but I know I was very reflective and very introverted. Even when my parents were home I spent a lot of time in my room or in my little jonboat floating in the stillness of the quiet lake we lived on. I don’t really remember being sad but I do remember feeling alone. I guess if I felt alone I more than likely was sad now that I think about it. Over the years it has always been there, especially in my relationships. So does that mean I expect more from those I date or does it mean I somehow attract people into my life who continue to give me that empty and alone feeling because I am getting something out of it. Maybe my “addiction” to loneliness causes me to seek out those types of people because they continue to feed me that from which I am subconsciously seeking. That sounds so stupid but we do repeat things, good or bad that make us feel comfortable. Comfortable not necessarily in a “feel good” way but in a complacent way because it is easy.
Lately I feel even more lonely when I see children. It saddens me that I may never experience the love that is exchanged with being a parent, knowing you are needed and loved in a unconditional way and loving in the same respect. So how is it that I have a wonderful family and so many incredible, loving friends but I can still feel so alone at times…so empty. And why is it in those times when I feel so alone that I don’t want to be around anyone, it just doesn’t make any sense…