What if….

Over the years I have found out some things that have challenged my trust in others and in my ability to make good decisions. Looking through my blogs I have noticed that I have continuously talked of trust or made reference to it. On Sunday I met a friend and her friends out for coffee, on the table they had a deck of cards they called Angel Cards. The deck was passed to each person, and each person was to shuffle the deck and pull any card out that they wanted. Each card has a specific word on it and once the card is pulled my friend would read from a book about what the word meant in a spiritual context. To me I found it a fun harmless way of looking deeper into life..s meaning. Weather that sort of stuff is believable is debatable but lately I have found an interest in metaphysics and I am at a place where I am questioning everything , opening my mind and considering anything is possible. So the deck of cards was placed in front of me and I drew the card ..Trust… The ladies at the table all laughed because we had already had a conversation on that before the deck came into play. I realize we are in the bible belt here and many dont believe in these sort of things, or perhaps that there is some religious voodoo against this sort of play. That being said you have to wonder or at least pause for a moment and ask, why would I pull a card out of an entire deck, without knowing what was printed on it that says ..Trust..? The reading of the word for the deck was basically that I needed to look inside myself and learn to trust my self.

Ok so here I am 2 days later still thinking about this word and its meaning…and for the first time I am wondering, what if, my allowing people who lack honesty into my life over the years was not necessarily a lack of poor judgment but was the effect of not paying attention within my self. What if rather than placing the blame on them for their inability to be honest I looked into my self and asked…do I truly trust this person. It sounds sort of silly really but for me it is starting to make sense and the weird thing is I have never thought of it before. Maybe I dont trust my self. Not intentionally or out load so to speak but maybe self conscientiously I dont trust my own judgment in others. What if my lack of trust for myself has become so embedded within me that I am on auto pilot and I see others only how I want to see them rather than what is truly there. If that were the case I would never see the true character until it was too late because I was too busy believing what I wanted not what was real.

So now is the hard part. Now that I am trying to look out side of the box, to see things in a different way I am realizing it is difficult to figure out the process of trusting myself. It is new to me and I have no idea how to do this. I think it requires quiet time and a clear mind, something I have always found difficult for me due to my short attention span. I guess on the grande scheme of things what I am saying here is..what if I pay more attention to myself, my feelings and my instincts get a handle on what I am feeling first then open my eyes and see what others are offering me. Start from the inside out rather than the outside in. Maybe trusting my self, my judgment and going from my gut instinct will allow me to see the difference between an honest person and a not so honest person. Its worth a try, so what if……

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