What I am looking for…

pa·tience

noun-the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

adjective – enduring or capable of enduring hardship or inconvenience without complaint.

As I am working on being a better person I am also working on having more patience with how I do things, with the decisions I make and with life in general. In the past I always moved fast, reacted quickly and made discisions spontaneously. That being said…and knowing that spontaneity can be a good thing I often found myself in uncomfortable or unpleasant situations. Without over analyzing this I think the reason is that I did not give myself time to let things sink in and I was always looking at what the result might be rather than paying attention to what was happening at the exact moment the decision was made. If you look at the divorce rate or at the number of people who are unfaithful I can bet that most of the decisions that led to those choices was due to the lack of patience.

Patience is not easy…it is not easy when people are preasuring you, it is not easy when your life is operating a hundred miles an hour or when passion or emotion come into play. It is something that many people may not have with you while you are practicing it. It is something that takes discipline and commitment. I recently read the book “A New Earth” and it has resonated in me in a way I can not explain. It is not because it states things I am not aware of or things that I had never heard of before but it is because of the new way those things were presented to me. One in particular is the part about being in the “NOW”. I have found myself at times sitting, walking or even driving and saying to myself what is it to just be…right here right now. It can be a very empowering moment if you are capable of stopping your mind and just being there in the moment. This being in the now is teaching me patience and the importance that it plays in my life as a whole. Some would say I am over thinking, that I am not being fair to those around me or that I am being selfish. All I can say is that I know in my heart it is making me a better person and that I am making better decisions because of it. For 43 years I lived worrying about what others thought of me or what they wanted of me or needed from me. By worrying about everyone else I never felt fulfilled with in my own skin because I was not paying attention to what I needed. Now it is about me…. what I think, what I want and what I deserve. Thats not selfish thats taking care of me first so that I can be a better person to those around me.

My patience is not intended to hurt anyone, it is not intended to make anyone uncomfortable or to create tension. For me, with patience, it is my intention to be fully aware of my emotions and intuitions as they are happening. To be sure before I act, make a decision or move in any forward direction. it is because I am ready and that I feel confident with the direction or choice that I choose. One step at a time as slowly as it might be in order to feel right for me. If others get upset or don’t want to wait around or feel neglected then they will make their choices based on what they feel and it is out of my control at that time. I love the saying…”no one can make you feel a certain way, you allow yourself to feel that way”. I think about that anytime I have feelings that I think someone else created within me. I see no reason to move fast anymore in my life. I want to look forward to each day as it is happening and to enjoy what each day brings. My life is half over and it seems like I got to 43 in a flash, I want to slow down.

I guess as stated in the definition of patience above the annoyance, misfortune, pain and irritation is perhaps what those not directly being patient feel. Perhaps they are the things felt directly or indirectly while experiencing patience. What ever the case it involves feeling something and today in a world where everyone seems to be numb I think feeling is a good thing. There is a quality that comes with patience. I want quality in my life, I deserve it and I will take my time to experience it. In the end I will know I made my decisions from paying attention and not rushing. Right now I believe that patience will lead me to a happier life and that is what I am looking for!!!

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