It’s been a tough few months I have to admit. The first part was loosing my BF Mozart to cancer and the second part a week later, loosing my other BF Todd to accidental death due to drugs. The second proved to be the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with (other than the death of my marriage in 2001). Bringing Mozart’s ashes home and building a small shrine in his memory felt settling but I have yet to settle from Todd’s passing. There was closure after the service I put together for him but there are still good days and the bad. The hardest thing is knowing I will never hear his voice again, that all the little things he did that I might have taken for granted will never happen again. There is a part of me that feels empty and I am questioning so much. Maybe a bit of self blame, I knew he had addiction issues, it was the reason I stopped dating him. I still loved him and after letting him go and his moving out I guess I sort of turned my head to what I figured was still going on with his addiction’s. He sounded better most of the time but in the back of my mind I often thought he was hiding it because he was worried I would let go completely. I set my boundries, stuck to them and I stopped nagging him because that is what it felt I had become to him. I just wanted him to be happy and for us to keep our friendship. Breaking up with someone you love because you know you can’t help them with their addiction and realizing that the addiction is starting to take a toll on you personally…it is such a difficult thing to have to deal with. I started watching Intervention and Celebrity Rehab, as silly as that sounds just, to have some understanding of it all. Realizing that he would have to face all his inner struggles and self blame, knowing he was not the type to face painful things, seeing that he had not reached a place where he realized how bad his addictions really were. Realizing you can’t change someone, that you can offer help but that a person can only change if they themselves really want to…I just let go. Could I have done more to help, could I have called someone else? I had talked to some of his friends but nothing worked. Did I do all I could have done…I hope that I did, is it normal to feel this way? All I can say for sure is that addiction is a terrible thing and I pray for all those who are addicted and those who love them. I guess these two parts will always make me wonder about many things but the biggest is why did they have to happen the way they did and so close together, exactly one week apart. My new song (Alter Bridge-Watch Over You) on my myspace profile is dedicated to Todd…strangely enough the band is out of Orlando, where I moved to Nashville from, I know Todd is with God.
I just got back from Florida after spending a week with my family. My step Dad has been struggling with health issues all year and is now in intensive care. He has a bad heart (has for years, stints, bipass, defibrillator) and now has other issues in other parts of his body, in the past few days he does not even acknowledge my mother is in the room when she comes to visit. On top of everything it seems that the doctors have pumped so much pain medication into him over the past three months that he is now severely addicted to the drugs…again addiction! I spent more time with my mother in the week I was there that I have in the past several years. It saddens me that she has to go through this, driving back and forth to the hospital each day and watching all the effects of the medication. His prognosis is not good and I often feel guilt in praying that he if he is not going to get better that he pass so not to suffer anymore. Every time my phone rings with the 352 area code I tense up and am scared to answer. I feel for my mother, it is so sad that the person she loves is there in body but not in mind. My wonder is why is this third thing happening so close to all the rest and why is it that something bad has given me more quality time with my mother whom I love and miss so much.
Now the One Part Me!
In light of everything somehow I have remarkably been able to keep from falling into depression, something a few years ago I don’t think I would have been able to do. Although all of these things seem to be negative and empty experiences I have to say I see some light. Maybe it is the new ME and the new way I have decided to live my life over the past year. That no matter what, there is some good from all that is bad. I want to keep living with intention, love, prosperity, abundance and integrity. I am grateful for all the wonderful friends I have who have been there for me through all of this. I am grateful for my beautiful family I have and the love we all share for each other. I am grateful for good health, a roof over my head, the ability to pay my bills and to live my life doing what I know I am good at…taking pictures. With all of the negative, sad and upsetting things life has thrown out to me I still can smile but only because I believe. I believe there is goodness everywhere even within all the bad. I know I am here to serve a purpose and I have to believe that all I do, even sharing myself here is a part of what it is I am supposed to be doing. I want to empower people and to live life inspiring others.
By now if you are still reading this you are probably wondering when I will stop this book of babble…one last little thing I have to add that has helped me with all of this (probably the biggest part) is the new addition to my home. Thanks to a best GF who just so happened to find an ad in the paper about a puppy in need of a home…who just so happened to look very similar to my Mozi. I fought the urge because I thought it was too soon but…his name is Deisel! Perhaps he has been a bit of a diversion to all that has happened, something to keep my mind busy, to fill a void, to love me unconditionally. Whatever the case he is my little angel (even though he wont be little for long) and has helped keep me stay strong, he has added laughter to my days and is truly a gift in my life right now!
In closing, I have said many times in past blogs to tell the people you love that you love them and tell those who are important to you that they matter…that you may not have another chance. I now realize that even doing that does not prepare you for the inevitable, it does however help you to know they understood how you felt.
So, even with all THREE PARTS OF WONDER I am experiencing right now, remarkably I am being led into a new direction of understanding…I have discovered a better and wiser ME!