Wow how time flies! It has been a long time since I have written and as most of you know I have been extremely busy with a flood relief I started called ReTune Nashville. I have missed writing and the release I get putting down my thoughts and sharing with others. This is the first week in more than 5 months that I have had any free time due to the time it has taken to keep ReTune Nashville, my teaching and photography moving forward. So with all that said I have been pondering many things this week with this much needed down time.
The past few days I have come to notice how little credit I give myself for what I have accomplished in my life. I never doubted my self as a child until I became a teenager. Before becoming a teen, when I wanted something I knew all I had to do is work hard and I would get it…like the time I won “Queen” of my school, it had nothing to do with popularity it had to do with how much I could sell and I sold a lot because I had no doubt I could! For some reason when I became a teenager all that confidence melted into self doubt. I still feel so often like that teenage kid wanting to be something bigger than I am but not having the confidence to believe that I deserve it. At times I still, after all these years and all this self-work have very little confidence in myself. What I have learned is that when I feel that way, I am usually comparing myself to someone I admire who has done more. The funny thing is I can bet that all those that I admire have at times felt these same inferior, uncomfortable moments of self judgment, after all we are all human….right?
I can’t understand why I do this to myself, I think it is good sometimes to compare my accomplishments to someone I admire when it allows me to self motivate and work harder toward a goal but when I feel like I have let myself down, not worked hard enough or been fortunate enough to make the right career decisions, that is when I get mad at myself. All my life I have heard people say “your so talented or your so lucky your a creative person or is there anything you can’t do.” The reality is none of that registers to me because all I see is “your the jack of all trades and the master of none!” I think in my own mind I have always wanted to have a specialty, to have that one thing I was extremely passionate about and really good at, that one thing I could take to the highest level possible and share with others. Instead I find I allow myself to get to a certain point with one thing and then I switch gears into something else. I have always blamed it on a short attention span and I do get bored very easily but the truth is in my older age if I look hard enough there may be some fear hidden in that shifter. Yes, as much as I hate to admit it perhaps I am setting my own self fulfilling prophecy by listening to that little voice say I am not good enough, to doubt my abilities, to allow myself to believe it is not possible or that I don’t deserve it then shifting gears so I don’t have to face the idea of failing. In an attempt to believe I am not scared of failure I make big changes in my life so on the surface I look as though I am fearless…wow as I write this I am questioning my thoughts and wondering could this all be true.
Perhaps I should ponder this a bit before sharing anymore, maybe I have said just enough for you to start pondering for yourself about yourself. When you really look at most really successful people they have continued to move forward in their desire even when they are failing, some are lucky to get the success they want quickly and others may take years but eventually they get there. I am not giving up on anything but maybe because I am always switching gears and now aware enough to ponder that, I might have some success in just thinking about it! I still have to question am I “The Jack of All Trades and the Master of None?” I will keep thinking and sending love out to all of you in the process, it is good to be back!