Mar 14 2014

A new day….

This morning I laid in bed and watched as the beautiful pink and purple colors surrounded the skyline. I felt completely relaxed, content, peaceful and happy. I watched as the light intensified into bright orange as the sunlight took over and a new day began….spring is in the air!

Last night I awoke in the middle of the night gasping for air, my heart was beating fast and felt as though it would jump right out of my chest. It was one of those dreams where out of no where your body is reacting as if a tragic event has happened. I was crying, I was feeling deep sadness, hurt and uncontrollable pain in the center of my chest. It was the kind of pain you feel when someone close to you dies, that impending feeling of loss, of grief…of despair. Before I had full control over my thoughts I was aware of the person in my dream, I knew him, he was from my past over 14 years ago. He was someone I never dreamed about, at least not anymore.

At first he was pulling away, I was acting my normal goofy self, playful, happy trying to get him to laugh. He seemed distant, was not amused and grumpy. Finally, I called him out and told him to lighten up, those words were what started my immediate pain and eventually the reason I awoke. “I’ve been seeing someone else,” he said…the words came out easily for him, easier than any words I had ever heard him speak.

He was a quiet man, one who rarely talked, unless it was about fishing or basketball. He never shared personal emotions. I don’t remember him being that way in the beginning but at this point in our lives, ten years of learning who he was he had two personalities…one was vulgar and one was anger. When he was speaking those words he was calm, spoke clearly and watched quietly as my emotional state disintegrated in an instant. I said nothing, I just felt a sharp pain in my chest and panic set in. My whole body hurt and I began to cry. As I turned to leave the room he said something, I can’t remember what it was but I remember how it made me feel. He was trying as he always did to make me feel guilty, to blame me for his actions, to make me feel as though I had treated him bad, had not given him what he wanted and had drove him to this…then he began getting angry, the tone in his voice changed and that was when I realized it was a dream.

All the deep emotions I had when I left him more 14 years ago surfaced at that moment, the sadness, the hurt, the heartbreak and despair. All but one….anger. In the dream as I was waking up I remember thinking this will make it easier, I now have a reason he will understand, he will finally have a clear reason of why I am choosing to move on, this is a very good thing. I sat up in bed and started crying out loud, I asked as if someone was in the room…where in the world did that dream come from?

The strange thing about my dream last night is that as far as I know my ex husband never cheated on me. I did learn after our separation that he had lied when we met, he was living with a woman that he “had” dated even though I was led to believe he was living with a bunch of guys in a house across town.

I have no idea what triggered that dream to happen, our minds are very strange in how they work. What I do know is that having the courage to leave that person because of the verbal abuse I was experiencing, regardless of how much I loved him was by far the best life choice I have ever made. I held onto anger for a number of years. I have worked very hard to earn back my self dignity, my ability to love myself and to know who I am and what I deserve. I have also worked hard to forgive and to let go of the anger. Perhaps that dream was my test. I laid in bed for 30 minutes before falling back asleep, I was afraid at first I would settle back into the dream. I smiled as I laid there because I realized not only did I not feel anger in that moment I had not gotten angry in the dream.

I guess the reason I am sharing this with you is that I realize now how holding on to anger affects your overall happiness in life. When you have those feelings toward someone else you never truly let go of them or the pain. Letting go allows you to have space for good things to reside. If you are holding on to any anger or resentment figure out how to let it go, I promise it will set you free and allow so many new and wonderful things to happen.

Today is a new day and I feel great! I am ready to make this day count and I hope that you will do the same! Sending love as always….pass it on!


Mar 11 2013

Marching on as I embrace age…

mesdadepiasized 819x1024 Marching on as I embrace age...

March mark’s the beginning of spring, daylight savings time and my birthday. Most of my adult life I was never very excited about birthdays because I did not like the attention that they brought. When I hit 40 and kept hearing all my friends complain about the aging process, I decided I would embrace my age by celebrating so for a few years I really made the event public, had some big parties at the thinking diva treehouse and made the celebration last for weeks. The past few years I continue to embrace the changes that come with aging but I have again gone into a bit of hiding when it comes to celebrating.

Recently as I was spending my quiet Sunday reflecting and awaiting my Super Soul Sunday time on OWN I suddenly felt extremely lonely. I realized that although I have a lot of wonderful friends I don’t have one that I would feel comfortable calling in a moment of need. Most of those who I once felt close to have become intertwined in serious relationships. Although they are still very close friends I would not feel the same sharing with them, that close connection no longer feels so relevant and I would feel I was a bother. As time marches on so do the relationships we build, it is a beautiful thing because I believe the timing of those people being in our lives as they come and go is exactly as it has been planned by that of a higher power. When I look back I had the right people in my life at the right time. Still at times like on that Sunday I question my inner strength. Being so much of an introvert I often feel distanced from others, facebook is a bit of a void yet when faced with the reality like on that Sunday I realized how alone I feel at times. It took me a moment to realize I was really not alone, I remember feeling the frustration and almost panic of not having anyone to talk to in my moment then I realized my best friend, the one I felt I was actually connecting with in THAT moment, that internal connection, that internal voice…was what I believe to be God. I love when those moments occur, I cherish what ever that is, I assume a moment of “SPIRIT”.

I think the biggest thing I hate about aging other than loosing my vanity is watching my parents get older and knowing they will someday no longer be here. It is something that brings me to tears with just the thought and often I have to push it in the back of mind knowing it is always there. As we grow older we experience more loss, we see our friends and partners deal with the loss of their parents and we know that as a part of life, death can not be avoided. Although it hurts we somehow overcome the result of the pain and keep the memories of what once was dear to our hearts in our memories. Someday we will all be memories..then eventually we will no longer be as time will continue to march on and generations pass. This Tuesday, tomorrow I will find out if my Dad has cancer. I am nervous, scared and sad. I am hopeful but don’t want to see any of my family suffer. It is a new place for me and a place I don’t care to be although I have no choice, what ever the outcome I want to be there for him. I had not planed to share that with anyone, but at the same time I started this page to share regardless of the topic. I have felt really emotional since he told me of the biopsy. I lost a whole week with the flu last week and it made me realize how extremely important good health is to our quality of life. Having felt that all last week I am grateful for feeling better but anxious for the result of what lies ahead for my dad. I know so many friends and family members who have already had to deal with these things so I know as life marches on the right people will once again come into my life as I need them. I trust that in my life and I honor how life works so perfectly through all of the ups and downs.

So, as I embrace another birthday I am that much more grateful for each time I get a phone call from mom, from dad, from my sister and from my nephew because I love them all so much. I feel so blessed that they are all still here and want to cherish every moment I have. I wish sometimes I could just stop time to embrace their presence in my life but knowing that can’t happen I have to be grateful at all times for what I have now. I am also grateful for everything I have out side of my family, for all of the people in my life and that includes all of you. Thank you for listening, for wanting to believe there is more and for giving more love. Lets pass on all that we can that is positive so that we can leave something good behind even if it feels so small. Have a wonderful week, sending love….


Jan 28 2013

“Creating an Evidence Journal”

Still working on getting a better sound in my podcast but this will have to do for now!  I hope you will enjoy and I look forward to your comments!


Thinking Diva Podcast

Episode 02: January 2013 (TD_002)

“Creating an Evidence Journal”

This podcast will discuss the importance of creating an evidence journal. We want our lives to change and are trying to change our attitude to be more positive so we will attract a better outlook. In a fast paced life we may miss the evidence of what our new positive attitude is attracting for us if we don’t take the time to look for it!

If the player doesn’t work on your device go here!

http://thinkingdiva.podbean.com/

play video default “Creating an Evidence Journal”

Jan 20 2013

Do you want to live an extraordinary life?

I have amped up my soul searching efforts lately, perhaps it is because I am older, maybe I am at a crossroads with life vs. happiness. What ever the case I am realizing that there are a lot of unhappy, angry and unhealthy people out there and that saddens me. Are you one of them? What would you say if I asked you this question; “Do you want to live an extraordinary life?” I present that question to myself often and as I grow I find that it is continuously changing.

When I first thought deeply about this question it centered around money because I felt with more money I could be much happier, and live more extraordinarily. In our culture most of us tend to center everything in our lives around money. When in our teens we want money to buy candy or toys and then a car and gas money. When we graduate from high school we need money to go to college because a college education assures we will be more successful which will offer us a higher source of income. When we get out of college we need more money to provide our lives with new opportunities in travel, in buying a home, in buying a new car or perhaps in having a family. It we grow up poor we may not have any of these beliefs it may just be the ability to survive. If we grow up rich, money may have no measure but we might be lacking in other areas due to circumstances money may have created.

While it is true that money allows so much more to happen in our lives I believe being rich does not assure we will live an extraordinary life, in fact it has potential to destroy our chances. The reason our focus shouldn’t be on the money is that ” money” is a material thing not an emotion. Material things create temporary emotion not continuous emotion. How many times have you gone out, splurged on something and a day, week or month later moved on to wanting something else? Having that “thing”  creates excitement at first but the emotion of “having” it gradually fades once you’ve achieved the goal. It is not achieving the goals we create that offer us continuous happiness it is an awareness of positive emotion and the energy in that moment of experience. The emotion of happiness is what allows us to live extraordinarily and it is always centered around the emotion of feeling good. In that moment it creates an internal energy that is high.

Scientific evidence proves that our thoughts are the most powerful energy in creating our actions and shaping our lives. Many kids that are born into poor or troubled families become poor or troubled adults not because of money but because of their choices. They believe internally that it is their destiny because that is what they are taught, their thoughts reflect that and it comes to be. Negative energy is the result of negative thoughts and negative emotions. Negative energy can result in negative choices. That being said there are many positive and empowering stories of people born poor or from troubled families who have changed their course in life through their thinking, Dr. Wayne Dyer is a great example, Louise Hay is another!

It is my belief through my own experiences that what I choose to think guides me into fruition. I want to be happy and in order to “be” that I need to allow my choices to guide me to experiences that create the emotion of happiness? Life experiences do not always support the ability to be in a constant emotion of happiness but I have a choice to allow myself to shift the negative experiences quickly from acceptance to rediscovery. The power of our thoughts is the most powerful life source that exist with in each of us. It is not always easy but it is possible if we push ourselves to stay in a positive state of mind no matter what transpires.

The past few weeks I have worked hard to be in a mindful place, by questioning my thoughts, my emotions and by experiencing these things with a constant awareness. I have paid close attention to my feelings when around others both socially in person and online. While in that space I have started to see  more clearly those people I need to spend less time interacting with versus those I should spend more time with based on the internal feelings I am left with after parting ways. The result is solely negative or positive and I choose positive because I don’t like how my body feels when in the presence of a negative influence. Those negative people are not bad people they have just chosen a mindset either consciously or non consciously based on their own thinking as to what their reality is. I choose to create my own positive mindset no matter how hard or how many people tell me different or try to argue my belief (or believe I am a flake, they are entitled to their opinion). The more I allow positive people around me the better I feel because of the energy they exude. The opposite result will apply if I choose to be around negative people, I know because I spent the first 35+ years of my life in that negative space. While in that place I was sad, depressed, unhealthy, angry, judgmental and most likely not all that fun to be around.

So do you want to live an extraordinary life? Are you willing to let go of negativity in order to become more positive? Start with baby steps, start by being aware of what negative words you or others are using. Start by being aware of how negative experiences and thoughts feel internally. Allow yourself to compare those with positive feelings. Eliminant words like I can’t and I don’t have and speak as if you are and you do. Start realizing the internal feeling you have in every moment you are breathing. If you are sad think about what that feels like and what is causing that feeling. When you are happy, what does that feel like, why? When you are angry, what does that feel like, why? Why are you judging others in a way that makes them wrong? Are you feeling guilty about something, why, what does that feel like? If you allow yourself to sit back and not only feel those emotions but understand why they are occurring and what your body feel like in those moments I believe you can create a new path to happiness. Your happiness lives within you, not out side of you. Your happiness is based on the power of those internal experiences and emotions. You have the choice to choose change through your thinking! It is not always easy and never constant but the more aware you are the easier it gets to stay positive, the faster you can choose to make it happen and the happier you will become.

If you want an extraordinary life you have to start with thinking extroidinary thoughts and that starts by thinking positive. It requires that you, with out a doubt BELIEVE anything is possible. In turn the energy you carry as well as emit will become positive and powerful. You will see positive things happen in your life with out reason, you will meet people who make you feel good and whom inspire you. You will smile more, give more and love deeper. Negative things that others think, say or do will no longer matter because you are developing strength and confidence within.

Thank you for reading and as always I am sending love…pass it on!


Dec 16 2012

Making sense of negativity and creating positive change…

For two days now I have awoken with feelings of sadness, my heart aches for all those children and teachers who died friday in such a senseless manner. Like so many people I believe we are all trying to understand in disbelief why these kinds of things happen. In a world that reflects war, poverty, illness and abuse how do these horrific things keep happening in a country designed around opportunity and freedom?

I studied journalism in college and wanted to be a photo journalist for my first 2 years until I realized that most of what I would be doing was reporting sad stories. Later I received a BS in Art Education but was saddened inside the public school system with the despair within the family life of so many of my students, the heartbreak was too heavy for me. Not wanting to be constantly reminded of the negative part of our culture I opted to be a commercial photographer. I fight constantly to avoid watching the news, I am drawn to knowing what is happening in our world but have realized in my studies of metaphysics and spiritual awareness that too much exposure leads to negative energy and judgement. With all the media coverage on the event in Connecticut we can’t seem to avoid anger and we search for blame that comes with tragedy, it’s all over tv, facebook and twitter. Gun laws will be challenged, people will be criticized and religion will be judged because after all how could GOD allow such a thing to happen. How do we take such negativity and create positive change?

What I say from here forward will be honest yet opinionated. It is only my presumption which I am entitled to as you are to yours. It is not intended to challenge or hurt any one. It is my voice only and comes from my beliefs, experiences and my hope for some sort of understanding of what life is teaching me, I share for the sole purpose of possibly bringing positive awareness though negative experiences.

I believe we are living in a time of mass separation. We are being challenged not by God but by what we as humans have created. We are allowing money, judgement, fear and anger to lead us, to overtake our ability to think clearly. Individually we are not taking accountability for our actions and we are being influenced by tv shows, media and technology not by our own internal soul. We are becoming numb because of overstimulation and operating outside of ourselves not internally where our true humanity lies. We are desensitizing our youth because of what we are allowing them to experience during their developmental and cognitive years. I believe mental illness is a result of this not because people are weak or going crazy but because their minds are being conditioned from all that is available from the outside world way to young not to mention everyone is being medicated.

It is time to set some boundaries and make some changes, if you haven’t read the book “Boundaries” by Cloud/Townsend I recommend you start there, especially as a parent!!! I am not a parent so many will say I am not entitled to an opinion on parenting, I respect that opinion. I have however studied some areas of phycology and sociology and I have always been intrigued by human nature and the power of our minds. I believe through my own personal work that our personalities develop from the experiences we have from birth until around 6-8 years old. We put meaning, both negative and positive to events that happen in those years and generate life time thinking patterns, fears and beliefs based on how we process all of those events. Our parents beliefs also influence how we process things during that time of cognitive development. If we as adults are operating from a sense of numbness based on all the external stimulation (tv,media, religion) then our children are also operating from numbness during the development stage so wouldn’t it make sense that they begin to believe these negative stimuli if they are not told to believe otherwise. Their minds at that age are like a sponge and they are influenced by everything around them. How do we expect young people to process all of these things positively in those early years of cognitive development if we ourselves are operating from a numb state. How vital is it for us to get a handle on our thinking, our judgements and our anger. Our young people are a product of what is available to them and they will grow up to be that which influences them in those younger years. Now, more than ever we as humans need to get a handle on things and realize if it looks negative or sounds negative it is and that creates negative thinking, negative events and negative energy. If a persons enjoyment is watching people being gunned down, infidelity and anger driven drama on tv or if that exist in the home on a regular basis I can assume there is a lot of emotional unhappiness because of the negativity that person is operating from within. Not because they are bad people but because negativity attracts negativity.

Personally I want to live my life feeling happy, everyday, as much as I possibly can because I want to feel good. So I ask you as an individual what is the one thing that makes you feel good no matter what? I preach this so much I am sure most people out there think I’m a hopeless romantic hippie but we all know down deep inside LOVE is the only true emotion that when felt can bring an overall happiness that resonates in not only our minds but in our hearts. I believe it is the most powerful emotion available to us but with judgment, dishonesty and anger, love can not exist, it can not resonate because there in no negativity in the feeling of love. It’s free, it is available and it heals. It will be what gets those families in CT through their losses, it is what gets us through tough times and it is in my opinion the only way we can ever get a handle on what is happening in our world. Love what you do, love who you are and love who your with, three simple things that you have power over. When we live from happiness we create that around us because others see that and want it too. I realize that these things can’t change all of our worldly problems but change happens slowly in life. If we all stop looking at everyone else and start with ourselves working on clearing our minds and operating from a clear loving mindset I believe miracles will happen.

All I want is for you, if you have read this far to consider doing this…

-watch tv less and sit in silence more to see what thoughts appear in your mind

-think about what you can do within your self to make you and only you feel better, to be a better person or be happier with your life

-be grateful for the wonderful things you have and stop wishing you had more

-do something nice for someone else just for the sake of being nice

-treat yourself good because you deserve it

-stop hanging out with negative people, if you are that negative person realize you are, forgive yourself, make positive changes to change that part of you and discover how awesome that feels

-communicate with others openly and honestly about how things make you feel, with out judgment and with delicacy, not making them wrong but merely letting them know if something is hurtful to you

lastly and most importantly tell the ones you love that you love them, say it out loud and be sure they hear you because we never know when it might be our last time with those loved ones. Never, ever take that for granted!

Sending love…pass it on!


Nov 12 2012

A lesson in dishonesty and trusting my gut reaction….

It has been an interesting few weeks of lessons and self discovery. It is strange how when you use your mind to focus on things in a positive way your world begins to change in a positive way. That being said it sometimes produces negative results because those are the things that need to be eliminated in order to move forward. Over the course of my life I have trusted people deeply and over time I have experienced deep disappointment, humility and hurt by trusting so much. I am unsure why I am this way but I assume I want to see the good in others so badly that I sometimes fail to see the bad because I don’t want to believe it may exist.

We all, at times may create small white lie’s, but there is a big difference between a small one and a big one. A small one, even though we shouldn’t do it would never hurt anyone else. Perhaps you hold back telling what you ate while on a diet or you didn’t mention you were upset about something when you were. When you lie to someone for what ever reason you have to carry the consequences within yourself. If you get away with the lie you may feel good for a bit but you are still carrying the weight of that lie no matter what, when you get caught you not only carry the weight but the guilt. I believe even the best liars who seem to have no remorse are carrying some form of consequence because it is such a negative form of energy.

Recently I was lied to in a way that is inexcusable. The details are not important but the lesson I received from it is. There are times in all of us that we question someones word. I have found that my negative lifetime experiences have in some way resulted in a fear of trusting my own gut when something just isn’t right. My fear is “what if I am unfairly making a judgment based on my past experiences rather than on the situation at hand”. So many times that thought has over ruled the terrible feeling in my gut and most every time I have found later that the feeling was unfortunately correct. This recent experience had me feeling uncomfortable in my gut for days, I questioned every aspect of the situation, and my reasoning. I became so uncomfortable that I physically began feeling sick so I prayed for some sign to help ease my mind. At that point I didn’t care as much about the situation at hand but I needed some internal proof I was not loosing my mind because the feeling inside me was so uncomfortable it made my chest hurt and I felt sick to my stomach. As Dr. Wayne Dyer says…ask and you are given! Slowly but surely the signs came and by the time they were all in front of me I realized the person who was in question had become someone I did not know at all. The feeling was sickening, disappointing and hurtful. What I realized was that the feeling in my gut that made me feel sick was the true sign and for the first time in my life I took action on that feeling rather than allowing the situation to pass.

Unfortunately we never know fully if the people we surround ourselves with are being honest, we choose our friends, lovers and acquaintances based on common ground and from there get to decide where those relationships go based on our time spent with them. As human beings this is really the best we can do because it is not our job to judge or control others actions. Being honest with ourselves in the end is the best choice for deciding those we choose to have around us. Real honesty starts with trusting what we have inside of us. It is not just self love but it is allowing our mindless chatter to not overcome what our internal gut feeling is telling us. Sometimes it takes being quiet and listening to what comes up. If there is a bad feeling that won’t go away then chances are something is not right. If there is any uncomfort while with someone the best you can do is be patient, focus on why that feeling exist and share in a kind way what ever that discomfort is without passing judgement. Being open in that situation, asking the person at hand to be honest with out accusation or blame is where you start. Where it ends will be determined on how well you listen, what circumstances play out and how your confrontation makes that person feel. Asking for a little help from your higher power doesn’t hurt. In the end the situation may be painful but when we allow ourselves to be around dishonest people we allow ourself to be vulnerable to ongoing hurt. I believe that most people who are dishonest have a lot of drama in their lives because the energy it takes to continue down that path tends to leave a trail of bad emotions and sadness along the way. Leaving the situation is painful at first but when we surround ourselves with positive, honest people that is what we attract and we are happier as a result. Happiness does not lend itself to lies only to truth and there is no justification for a lie.

In the end I have to admit I am sure there will be times in my life I will have to experience disappointment in others truthfulness. I choose to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, to not allow anger to fill that disappointment and to move forward. I will not stop allowing my self to see the good in others but I will be more aware of what my gut is saying along the way. My goal in life it to be happy and this is just one more baby step to continuing on that path.

Thank you for reading, sending love….pass it on.


Oct 5 2012

My aha moment with commitment on my journey into dating…

LOVE 768x1024 My aha moment with commitment on my journey into dating...

I  have spent the past year ready to date, I have tried different avenues and I have to say I have found my journey so far pretty interesting. I have learned more about my self than I ever imagined because I thought dating was about others. I have seen many of my friends go through breakups, people I thought were truly meant to be together and it has shifted some of my belief in the reality of what we see in others versus truth. I have had deep conversations with both men and women about the process of dating, the kinds of dates out there and the journey to find what we are looking for in our search for love. I wanted to share with you all what I am discovering and my hope is that you will contact me with your own insight after reading.

The first thing I want to say is I am learning. I am learning about the human condition, the desire to want and to be wanted, to love and to be loved, to trust and to be trusted. I believe over time as we age we become very set in our ways based on our life styles, our desires and our choices. I had an interesting conversation with someone recently who seems to have more confidence in himself than anyone I have ever met. He appears to have no fears of dating or with relationships. He spoke confidently about how easy it was to gain any woman’s interest and admitted to cheating on past lovers. He seems to always have beautiful women at his beaconing but when I look at him I see something missing, I don’t see him being truly happy. In my opinion he appears to act the part of being a “stud” but appears to fear getting too close to anyone. I have to ask you men out there is having any woman your desire really that great, do you not hope for more, is it fulfilling to just sleep around if there is no deep connection? I am sure there are women that should also be asked that question. Upon digging deeper I discovered that with my friends lifestyle of playing the field he had never actually experienced the heartbreak of someone cheating on him and no one had ever broke up with him. He was always in control in every relationship he had been in. In my own journey I have been cheated on by almost every man I have ever dated and here before me was one of those guys, yet he had never been cheated on. Could it be that those who cheat have no idea of the pain they cause those whom they cheat on? I tried to image how it would feel to have never experienced what that act of betrayal feels like, how would I be different, my mindset, my actions, my choices.

I pondered that for weeks and wondered is that perhaps the way a player gets labeled? We all seem to have a different definition of what a “player” is. In my world a player is someone who leads someone into believing they are “the only one” while dating (or sleeping with) multiple people at the same time. They are truly playing the field with no desire to be in a committed relationship. Is a player a bad person, I don’t believe that is the case, I believe they are that way because they fear something when it comes to relationships. Can a player be honest? I think they can be honest in saying they are not looking for commitment but somewhere down the line they are being dishonest if they are not telling the truth with who they are spending their time with or where they are spending their time. The worst part of their dishonesty is that they are not allowing themselves to be loved or to love and that is, in my opinion what we as humans are supposed to experience. I won’t label this a man or woman thing because I am finding through my guy friends that there seem to be just as many women players as men.

I have talked to men about the women out there and there are a lot of women who say they want desperately to be in a relationship but are playing the same games as the men. Partying every night and serial dating in men and women will not find you anything other than that. Trying to find the right mix is hard but you have to know what you want before you can start finding what you want. Making changes that are not always comfortable but sometimes they create the greatest treasures.

The biggest common thread in all my discussions of dating were that on the topic of cheating. So why do people feel the need to cheat? Yes this still applies to the dating scenario early on because you have to trust that date as you are getting to know them or you are never going to feel fulfilled in a relationship with that person. After talking to so many people who have experienced being cheated on I started to think about what our society is putting out there in regards to morals. In my opinion cheating and lying go hand in hand, it is not only a moral thing but a selfish thing and that is where integrity comes into play. My mom always told me treat others how you would want them to treat you. That has always stuck in my mind and it is how I have learned to live with integrity. I admit I am no angel, I have slipped outside the realms of integrity and honesty in my past but I can say in the last 3 years I have worked very hard to become a person I love, living with honesty and integrity frees up my insides so that I can deal more clearly with what is happening on the outside. It truly feels good to be in that space! I recently visited Jason Aldean’s FB page after those pictures were put out there of him kissing all over a woman in a bar. I was amazed that most of the remarks were forgiving him because “we all make mistakes”. I think our society is starting to believe that and with that train of thought we are doomed with ever having true devotion and trust with someone, with fully giving our hearts or with love. True, we all do make mistakes but we shouldn’t just brush it under the rug and move on. An apology is not change, changing our behavior, understanding what truth is and how it feels to live with that is change. Treating others the way we want to be treated is key. I am sure Jason would’t feel so good if his wife had been caught in the same situation. What has happened to our morals, to our desire to be honest loving people. I hate watching tv any more because everything out there is about cheating, dishonesty and anger. My friend Amy Venezia had a great post on flirting recently that also shows how our morals are changing referring to “the grass is greener on the other side…”.

So our past, especially our childhood sets up the path to the people we become, the struggles we deal with and the places where change needs to take place in most cases. Being aware is the first step. It dawned on me that I may be dating those “not so truthful” kind of guys because I am not being truthful with myself about my own commitment issues. I was taught very early on in my life through people close to me that trust, commitment and love hurt. It was played out over and over and as I grew older I wouldn’t allow myself to give my heart fully to anyone because I always feared it would be hurt. The problem is, giving a little of your heart still hurts when someone betray’s you. Most times I would feel as if I was in control, stay in a relationship knowing it was wrong, the signs were there but I always questioned my own judgement more than the actions of the person betraying me. Over and over again I attracted the same kinds of men, gave just enough to be hurt and experienced the same pattern. I believe they were good people but not good “FOR” me. Last week I had that aha moment when I caught myself making sharp, sourcastic remarks about my lack of belief in marriage and the idea that all men were the same. I was laying in bed and started feeling really embarrassed with what I had said, I felt the energy when those words left my mouth and those around me had nothing to add. I realized they did not feel the same and I was coming off as one of those wounded, angry broken hearted people. Well folks if the shoe fits you will wear it! I began digging deeper and realized how perfect “players or bad boys” are for me, they don’t want commitment for their own reasons so they do what they do. I date them because I fear anyone who shows me too much attention, who isn’t a challenge or who might make me commit. That “game” of keeping them interested knowing they won’t commit is no different than them keeping me interested yet wanting to be with others because nothing is holding their interest fully. Wow, in that moment I realized what a turd I was being, how can I find a good relationship with out realizing my commitment issues. I definitely won’t attract that into my life. Yes I truly believe we attract, weather consciously or unconsciously what we are putting out there and folks my banter was creating exactly what I was supposed to have!

So with my dating experience so far I have discovered woman are just as scared of commitment as men often seem to be. People cheat because they are not whole inside and until they discover and repair what lies on the inside they will not be able to find or make healthy choices on the outside. We all need to feel a spark, it may not always be the personality, it might just not be the right energy. There has to be intrigue, compatibility or something that creates chemistry. Just because someone is hot as hell doesn’t mean it will make for great chemistry, it might in the beginning but that will go away quickly once time factors in. We are all searching for something but we have to be in tune with our hearts, with our emotions and with our choices to figure out what we really want. Life is a lesson and dating is a huge part of finding one of the many links to wholeness. As I said earlier, I am learning. Just because I have had some aha moments does’t mean my choices will change right away or that I will attract the right one for me right away. I still have work to do, I have to start by changing my vocabulary. My negative banter is a defense mechanism because I don’t want to be hurt. It is tough talk yet I am as fragile as a baby on the inside. I will start right now by admitting out loud that I do want to find love, I want to be in a relationship and I am not apposed to marriage. BUT I want it to be healthy, I want to be aware of what I am offering, not just expecting the other person to give me what I want. I want to be the best person I can be for that person who will someday be in my life. I know relationships can become work but communication is key. I want to be sure they are deserving of me, that they believe in honesty and they live with integrity. I know that in a relationship each person has to give and take. They should be proud of who they are with, comfortable being themselves around each other and share not only what they want with their partner but also their fears. The person I am with has to love himself first or I can’t expect him to be able to love me. I had to discover that in myself and I get it. We all have the ability to attract a mate whom we desire we just have to believe we do and that we can! I have my list of what I am looking for, I know what I want I have to remind myself to not settle and to keep my emotions in line with my gut. I know my awareness has to help me in the future as long as I continue to love myself. I may get my heart broken again but at least Im willing to open my heart up enough to feel love and that is part of being alive.

We have all worn different hat’s in life, some were just a phase we were going through others were our true style. I am creating a hat that fits perfectly for me as I head into the next 40+ years, this time with a better understanding of how I tick and what it feels like to operate with internal love for myself first. My goal is to be the absolute best I can be, for myself and toward others with integrity yet without judgement.

Thank you for reading, I hope to hear from you. Sending love….pass it on!


Jul 19 2012

What single word might express how I feel right here right now…

I’ve been struggling all summer with so many internal thoughts about my life, where I am and where I have been. I mentioned in my last post about the struggle, the boredom and that in my past, every 10 years or so when I felt this way I would pack up and move, start over and re-invent who I am. This time around I am content with where I live and no longer feel the desire to pack and move, I love Nashville. A few weekends back, as I did my early morning ritual, scroll through FB and twitter feeds I noticed a friend’s post:

“I’m interested to see who reads my post. I realize that’ s about 5 of you… So if you read this, leave me a one word comment about your day. Only one word please. Then copy this to your wall so I can leave a word for you!

For what ever reason, in that moment I thought…what single word might express how I feel right here right now. In that moment an avalanche of words came rushing through my mind. Words of how I felt, words of how I wanted to feel, words of what I wanted and didn’t want scrambled through my mind! It was then I realized, with my current struggle, I have been slowly isolating myself from the world. I’ve turned down every lake day, most every pool day and every thing in between. I’ve always had a good reason, in my own mind to pass on these things, the need to work on the house, grade papers, edit images…or the one that I use most, I don’t want to spend money on fun because times are tough. Honestly I wasn’t totally aware of what I was doing, I had my self believing my reasons and as the time passed I became more and more isolated from the world. My only interaction seemed to be FB and that left me feeling empty. So on that Saturday I started my pondering of meaningful words which of course become thoughts of all kinds.

It became one of those lonely, cry all day, feel sorry for myself weekends. I reflected on my family, how much I miss them, how we are all getting old and our time is limited. I cried.

I watched a sappy love story on tv and was reminded of my past decisions, where I am and that, I have to admit, I am a bit lonely, not unhappy but I do miss having a companion I can laugh with, share with and be intimate with. I cried.

I thought about my wonderful friends, about how I was disappointed that no one ever checks in much anymore, no calls or text. Then I thought, how can I expect them to stick around if I continue to close them off…I cried.

I thought about Dina, Victoria, Todd, Rusty, Mozi, Elwin and Grannie…those so close to me that I have lost in such a short time and how much I miss them. I cried.

I thought about my frustration with my ever changing career, my lack of feeling I am doing anything in my life that feels worthy and my fear of what can I do? I cried.

I watched a show about millionaire’s who secretly go to non-profits as undercover volunteers. They share stories, learn about those people they are helping and those running the cause who give their lives to others unselfishly. Then after getting close to these people they tell them they are donating large amounts of money to the cause because of how much they have learned, tears always fall on the show….and I cried.

As Sunday morning rolled around I watched my tv church episode and as always cried because of what I believe to be true and that God is with me.

Sometimes I find solace in being home especially the weekends, sitting in silence just listening to the sounds outside knowing everyone else is out being social. That strange loneliness mixed with a uncomfort knowing there is no one special in my life other than friends and family. It often is in those moments I find the most clarity, the most confusion and the most in-depth feeling of existence.

As my weekend of self reflection ended, Monday I went back into auto pilot and began the week. I had the realization Monday morning that I could not use a single word to express where I am right here right now. Love and Gratitude were the first of many that surfaced. I always start in GRATITUDE. I am grateful for all that is, good and bad because it is in that emotion especially over that weekend within my sadness that I realize it has to happen to feel something. I may be different from most in that when I am lonely I tend to make myself lonelier because I withdraw, I have to because it is the only way I know how to get quiet. I have to be grateful, I have to reflect, to hurt and cry. Those things always remind me that I am feeling and I am living. I am being touched by what I am experiencing. I am becoming wise to the secrets that life holds. I am finding out what moves me most and perhaps in time those triggers that make me cry the most hold the secret to where I am headed and what my life purpose is to be. With that I always end at LOVE.

I am living and though it may be in silence from the rest of the world sometimes, I know when it is time, after a few good cries, and some internal realization I will resurface and become social as I always do. With every single step no matter how easy or hard those steps come I continue to begin EACH next chapter of life while I have the breath in my lungs to do what I am here to do. Patience, stillness, gratitude and love must be my friends because that is what is guiding me to a new place. No packing bags at this point in my life, at least for now. I choose to reflect on the baggage I carried, grow, learn and know I can for once re-invent myself while all my friends watch with my feet planted here in Nashville for another 10 years! What words can you come up with to express how you feel right now? Think about it…maybe you will have a weekend like I did and on Monday awake with a huge smile!

Sending love…pass it on!


May 22 2012

The wind in my sail has left and I am stranded in a vast sea of possibility, paralyzed…

It has been some time since I have written here at Thinking Diva. For what ever reason I have been in a bit of a funk and working toward trying to get my good energy and attitude back. I have been writing but not posting because I started this blog to share and motivate through being positive. I didn’t want to come off here as being negative even though I realize we all have times when we feel down. That being said most of my struggle’s have been based on life as a whole, not on one particular thing. Maybe I have been having a mid-life crisis! Lately my thoughts are centered around a reoccurring feeling of emptiness, a feeling of lack with everything that has had me wondering how I can get that excitement of life back. Perhaps the experience of loss (all the beautiful friends and family I have lost over the past few years) has created a shift in me that makes me question “Why am I Here?”  It seems that all the things I used to live by no longer have any viability to me. This is not the first time in my life that question has surfaced but it feels a bit different this time around because of my age, my accomplishments and where I am in life.

I AM full of gratitude! I have been very blessed with a wonderful family who I love so much and miss because of the miles I chose to put between us. I have the most wonderful and loving friends you could ask for. I have lived a life doing what I love through a career of creativity. I am content with my “SELF”, I have learned how to maintain self love and my struggle with spirituality has ended so I feel fulfilled. I have no debt, I have a roof over my head, I take care of myself and I am healthy so honestly I have no reason to feel so lost. I feel guilty for my thoughts of “lack” but as we humans often do I sometimes allow regret to surface in what I haven’t had or done. For what ever reason most of my life has been driven by career goals and solely involved only me. I worked hard and did what ever I needed to do, sacrificed what needed to be sacrifice to achieve what I though success was because I truly believed that was what made me happy. Overall I have been a happy person but those things now seem pointless. The things that sadden me in my life right now all center around my lack of personal goals involving others. I will always feel I missed out on the experience of having a child and being a mom. I have excepted it but that awareness does sometimes creep up on me. I have positioned myself in life to be alone, far from family, no responsibilities, no obligations and content with not being in a relationship right now. I wish I had been more mature in my past relationships, I never experienced a healthy-mature relationship in my past because I was not healthy and mature enough to know otherwise. I take full responsibility for my choices, I hold no anger of blame towards anyone and fortunately I know I will do better in this second phase of my life when I am ready to take that step.

As I sit here pondering wether I should even post this I am unsure that these words really have anything you will benefit from. Maybe I am reaching out to you this time hoping for some answers I can’t seem to find, maybe some clarity. My biggest “empty” feeling right now is that I am tired of living my life for just me, it feels so wasteful, it doesn’t have any importance outside of myself and that has come to bother me most. Living the way I have doesn’t feel fulfilling, I don’t feel I am offering myself outwardly in a purposeful way. Is this making any sense? Maybe this is my “story”(we all have one), my need for attention, maybe this is “all about me,” perhaps I am craving validation of feeling like someone or something needs me. Am I just feeling sorry for myself wollering in self pity? Goodness, is that a form of self, co-dependency? I had the realization yesterday that I am probably more than half way through my life. If I died tomorrow I believe I would be ok with what I have accomplished but with the time I have left I want so much more and I don’t want it to center around “just me”. It is not that I am unhappy but there is something really missing and I can’t put my finger on it. I am bored, I feel unchallenged and even worse I have no direction, I am going through the motions of what needs to be done and that is it. It’s like the wind in my sail has left and I am stranded in a vast sea of possibility, paralyzed.

So this is where I stop and go within, I get quiet, I pray, like so many times before but this time I realize….I am really stuck. It’s where I reach out to you and ask what do you think? Is this something we go through and question when we are in our 40′s? Do we all secretly share this and if so what do you all do to create new beginnings? Looking back on my life I see a bit of a pattern here, it seems every 10 years or so when I get bored with my life I pack up and move hundreds of miles to somewhere new to start over, to re-invent and to become excited again. It has worked every single time in my past but this time is different, for once I am really happy with where I live and with my friends. So what now, I can’t run, I don’t want to move….(although there is something intriguing with Santa Fe, Costa Rica or Europe…)

I am reaching out to those of you who were willing to read this far for insight, please share with me, I need a little kick in the ass right about now! Still sending love…but man I could sure use some love right about now (of course there is always moose tracks)!


Mar 5 2012

The trip, the lesson, the healing…

Over a week ago I spent time with my family in Ocala and some time in Orlando dealing with some personal things (from what I often refer to as my “past life”). I had several days of steady driving to reflect on my life, where I’ve been, where I am, who I was and who I am now. I started thinking that if we face our fear, allow ourselves to take big steps rather than small ones and challenge ourselves, results can happen so much faster than taking baby steps. They can also be positive or negative but the important thing is how we deal with the outcome. We have to take accountability that WE make our own choices and those choices pave the road to where we end up. I took some extremely BIG steps 11 years ago and it led me to the happy place I am today.

It is hard for me to believe sometimes how different the person staring at me in the mirror was 10 years ago compared to the one staring back at me now. When I think back I do not like the person I was. I was selfish, unkind, self-absorbed, dishonest, ego oriented and negative. I built my career on drive, appeared to connect with others but did not allow others inside my heart. I felt that vulnerability made people weak, that being vulnerable would not allow me to have the success I wanted because I knew the only way for me to succeed was to stay completely focused on the carrot no matter what. Not allowing my self to be vulnerable also kept me from allowing real love into my life which also made me an un-loving person.

As I age I continue to learn what this journey of life has presented to me. The reality of my past is apparent in all of what I am today, I am the only one who can truly take the responsibility for past decisions, there can be no blame towards anyone else. Yes, other people do bad things at times but I allowed those people into my life in most cases and had a choice weather or not to do so. My mindset, coming from a small town, when I was younger was that I was going to be different, I was going to be something big for the people in that small town to admire, to relish. There was a lot of wealth there and I did not come from it so I felt I had something to prove. I worked my ass off, worked many different jobs but always pushed for that career as an artist. I never did any thing I would regret, never allowed myself to make a hasty decision for the sake of advancing in my career. Being a woman made it much harder, I had to prove myself, I had to work twice as hard and I had to work in a male dominant world with the odds against me. When my life came to a sudden halt in 2001 due to my decision for change I had gone from a small town girl with nothing to a self made woman with what appeared to be the perfect husband, the perfect home in the perfect neighborhood. We had boats, cars and lots of toys and most were due to my success. I took trips, traveled, had big parties and I felt at that point in my life I had made it to the level of where I had strived to be, I had reached my mountain top. What I didn’t realize is that all those things that I thought mattered we’re superficial. I awoke one day with everything I thought I ever wanted yet felt as lost and empty as I had the day I graduated from high school. I felt lonely at the top of that mountain and after looking at my life realized I was living a superficial existence. Everything on the outside that people saw looked perfect just as I had wanted but on the inside my life was filled with sadness, unhappiness and pain. All that stuff meant nothing.

Today those early decisions are why I have no kids, why I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 10 years, why I feel sometimes like I missed out on those life things most people either brag about or take for granted. Family, kids, unconditional love, the understanding that something outside of yourself is more important, being there for others and giving back rather than always thinking of yourself.

In that week I spent in Florida I learned that a friend who had passed was hurt by some decisions I had made back in that selfish time. I was so self absorbed in “ME” that I failed to realize I never sat down and talked with her of the details directly related to my decisions that negatively affected her. Today I am struggling with things that went unsaid to a friend I loved dearly who is now in heaven. It sucks to know I can’t sit her down, look her in the eye’s and talk to her, tell her how much she means to me and that I am sorry. There is some relief from the call I made 2 years ago with an apology when I learned of her heart bypass, but at the time I wasn’t aware of what she didn’t know about my earlier decisions so the apology had to have felt a bit shallow to her. What ever the case I can take back time and it saddens me. All I can do is believe that she hears me now and understands.

So why am I sharing this with you all? Over the years I have said over and over again to tell the ones you love that you love them, to forgive those who have hurt you and to realize that our time is limited so be sure you have no regrets. I still believe in all of those things but now have the apprehension that sometimes we may not realize that others may be living with a different understanding of something from our past. We may never learn such things exist but if we do somehow gain insight to this kind of discrepancy as I did on my recent trip we must have to ability to forgive ourselves  in a loving way. Although I am struggling with this now I know in time aIl will be ok with what I  have learned even if I can’t change anything now. We are human, we are not perfect but when we allow ourselves to live in a loving way, even when we stumble we have the potential through sharing to teach others from our mistakes. That is really why I am here, why each time I share openly and why I hope those of you who do read know I want my words to make you think about yourselves and open your heart accordingly. These words are really no longer about me but a reference to think about the possibilities for you. My goal is merely to make you think. Sending love out to all of you….pass it on!