I started this blog years ago to share in hopes of helping people. I have not figured out as of yet how to really get it out there and feel it touches very few people but still, I am here. Although I often open myself up and share pretty deeply, there are things we all keep to our selves. Things that no one, not even our closest friends or loved ones know of or quite possibly would even be able to understand. I have posted things from my heart that people said I should not put out there because of what others would think. I have said things that some believed I should remove because it would make others think of me in an undesirable way. I have shared my thoughts and people have stated they thought I might need to seek professional help. At the same time these things have gained praise, compassion and gratitude by others who’s emails have made me feel I am doing the right thing. The truth is no matter what I share there will always be judgment of some kind. As humans it is what we do and it is expected. Although there are places I will not allow myself to share openly here, I feel there is some reason that little voice in my head keeps telling me to post what I am experiencing.
I believe that some people truly need help, that in-balance exist and that often prescribed drugs need to be taken. I believe my high’s and lows are natural, that life is not always an upward plane and that at times we have to feel, to be humbled and to experience life. If we are feeling pain yet know in our thoughts that it is supposed to be that way because that is the course of life I think we can keep things on track once we have the experience, regain our focus and then allow ourselves to move forward knowing it all leads to a better place. I don’t want to hide, I don’t need to take some pharmaceutical drug a doctor thinks I need and I know that a bottle or recreational drug is not going to keep any painful thoughts from being experienced. Numbing the experience is not going to make me a healthier person. Life is our own journey, we set our path with each choice we make, we allow ourselves to place meaning on everything that comes into play and our thoughts determine our next move. That being said no matter what, we are all going to hurt at times, we are all going to feel sad and sometimes…lost. We all experience health issues, break ups, broken hearts, broken friendships, losses and death. At the same time if we look deeply into each of these things as they happen and allow ourselves to feel the hurt yet see what was also good in the experience we will eventually grow as an individual. It is why people who have lost loved ones to tragedy often find a way to help others in need. That those sad or seemingly negative experiences often lead to very uplifting and motivational publications, movies, businesses and organizations. It is often what it takes in our lives to trigger something that helps us discover our purpose.
With all that was said above are you wondering what this post is actually about? Well, I can’t say there is any one thing and although I honestly feel very happy with where I am in life for some reason at times I just feel a bit like a roller coaster (and I am getting really tired of some of you women blaming it on “THE CHANGE”). This is life and lately my lower points happen when I see or remember something that reminds me of Todd. I have never experienced the death of someone I have been intimate with, that I truly and deeply loved and that I feared would die because of their life style yet never believing it would actually happen. Life is strange that way. I go through stages when it comes to Todd and lately he has been on my mind a lot. I am wondering if maybe there are years of emotional stages you go through when death has come in a tragic manner. I think of him when I grab the remote, when I hear certain songs, drive by a certain place…there are things everywhere that make me think of him and not a single day goes by where he doesn’t filter through my mind. Recently a friend gave me a jacket they had that was Todd’s, I went through all the pockets hoping I would find something he might have left, that he might have touched. I didn’t want to but needed to wash it because it was extremely dirty, as I pulled it out of the dryer I couldn’t’ help but wonder what he had done the last time he wore it as tears fell down my cheeks. I have been considering contacting some local establishments that deal with helping people who suffer from alcohol and drug addictions to offer my experiences with Todd and the reality of what can happen. It would be a very difficult thing for me to do in person but I feel driven in some way to move in that direction. Right now I am allowing my life to move forward on the ideas that come to mind and what I feel in my gut, this is one of them but I have yet to take action.
Several weeks ago I had a discussion about religion with a person I have not known for very long, we talked about Todd and some of the circumstances leading up to his death. This person began to tell me in a polite yet Godly way that Todd more likely was not in Heaven, that he was in hell because of the sinful things he had done. Now before I go on I will say that Religion and Politics are two things I don’t openly care to share or discuss, I feel we are all entitled to our choice in these areas and that judgment lies deeper in these two areas than any others. That being said I have always admitted openly that I do believe in God and I am a spiritual person. When this person made that statement it not only bothered me but it disturbed me. I told the person they were entitled to their belief but I choose to believe differently and then ended the discussion. I choose to believe that God does not punish, he loves, he forgives and he understands that as humans some of us are weaker than others. It is not my place to judge other peoples actions, choices or where they end up, I don’t need to waist the energy on judgment of others I can only worry about my own actions. I do have a choice in my thinking and what I choose to believe when it comes to Todd. Todd was a wonderful loving person who also suffered from many painful things he could not overcome. It has bothered me for several weeks now but in MY heart and mind Todd is in heaven and I know he will be there with a big grin on his face when it is my time to go. I am not sure why I wanted to share that but I did want to get it off my chest and this seemed like the place to do it.
I realize this blog is a bit scattered in thought with this post but that is ok. I am not trying to write a book, say something that will get me praise or earn friendships. I am just sharing and that isn’t something that should be proofread and edited a million times in hopes of pleasing everyone. I love who I am, I love what I do, I love my family and friends and I feel very confident in my skin…I recently celebrated a birthday and I love that another year has allowed me to grow into the person I am right here…right now! Love, love, love I can’t say the word enough, sending love out to all of you until next time!