Three Parts Wonder = One Part ME

It’s been a tough few months I have to admit.  The first part was loosing my BF Mozart to cancer and the second part a week later, loosing my other BF Todd to accidental death due to drugs.  The second proved to be the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with (other than the death of my marriage in 2001).  Bringing Mozart’s ashes home and building a small shrine in his memory felt settling but I have yet to settle from Todd’s passing.  There was closure after the service I put together for him but there are still good days and the bad.  The hardest thing is knowing I will never hear his voice again, that all the little things he did that I might have taken for granted will never happen again.  There is a part of me that feels empty and I am questioning so much.  Maybe a bit of self blame, I knew he had addiction issues, it was the reason I stopped dating him.  I still loved him and after letting him go and his moving out I guess I sort of turned my head to what I figured was still going on with his addiction’s.  He sounded better most of the time but in the back of my mind I often thought he was hiding it because he was worried I would let go completely.  I set my boundries, stuck to them and I stopped nagging him because that is what it felt I had become to him.  I just wanted him to be happy and for us to keep our friendship.  Breaking up with someone you love because you know you can’t help them with their addiction and realizing that the addiction is starting to take a toll on you personally…it is such a difficult thing to have to deal with.  I started watching Intervention and Celebrity Rehab, as silly as that sounds just, to have some understanding of it all.  Realizing that he would have to face all his inner struggles and self blame, knowing he was not the type to face painful things, seeing that he had not reached a place where he realized how bad his addictions really were.  Realizing you can’t change someone, that you can offer help but that a person can only change if they themselves really want to…I just let go.  Could I have done more to help, could I have called someone else?  I had talked to some of his friends but nothing worked. Did I do all I could have done…I hope that I did, is it normal to feel this way?  All I can say for sure is that addiction is a terrible thing and I pray for all those who are addicted and those who love them.  I guess these two parts will always make me wonder about many things but the biggest is why did they have to happen the way they did and so close together, exactly one week apart. My new song (Alter Bridge-Watch Over You) on my myspace profile is dedicated to Todd…strangely enough the band is out of Orlando, where I moved to Nashville from, I know Todd is with God.

Part Three:

I just got back from Florida after spending a week with my family.  My step Dad has been struggling with health issues all year and is now in intensive care.  He has a bad heart (has for years, stints, bipass, defibrillator) and now has other issues in other parts of his body, in the past few days he does not even acknowledge my mother is in the room when she comes to visit.  On top of everything it seems that the doctors have pumped so much pain medication into him over the past three months that he is now severely addicted to the drugs…again addiction!  I spent more time with my mother in the week I was there that I have in the past several years.  It saddens me that she has to go through this, driving back and forth to the hospital each day and watching all the effects of the medication.  His prognosis is not good and I often feel guilt in praying that he if he is not going to get better that he pass so not to suffer anymore.  Every time my phone rings with the 352 area code I tense up and am scared to answer.  I feel for my mother, it is so sad that the person she loves is there in body but not in mind.  My wonder is why is this third thing happening so close to all the rest and why is it that something bad has given me more quality time with my mother whom I love and miss so much.

Now the One Part Me!

In light of everything somehow I have remarkably been able to keep from falling into depression, something a few years ago I don’t think I would have been able to do.  Although all of these things seem to be negative and empty experiences I have to say I see some light.  Maybe it is the new ME and the new way I have decided to live my life over the past year.  That no matter what, there is some good from all that is bad.  I want to keep living with intention, love, prosperity, abundance and integrity.  I am grateful for all the wonderful friends I have who have been there for me through all of this.  I am grateful for my beautiful family I have and the love we all share for each other.  I am grateful for good health, a roof over my head, the ability to pay my bills and to live my life doing what I know I am good at…taking pictures. With all of the negative, sad and upsetting things life has thrown out to me I still can smile but only because I believe.  I believe there is goodness everywhere even within all the bad.  I know I am here to serve a purpose and I have to believe that all I do, even sharing myself here is a part of what it is I am supposed to be doing.  I want to empower people and to live life inspiring others.

By now if you are still reading this you are probably wondering when I will stop this book of babble…one last little thing I have to add that has helped me with all of this (probably the biggest part) is the new addition to my home.  Thanks to a best GF who just so happened to find an ad in the paper about a puppy in need of a home…who just so happened to look very similar to my Mozi.  I fought the urge because I thought it was too soon but…his name is Deisel!  Perhaps he has been a bit of a diversion to all that has happened, something to keep my mind busy, to fill a void, to love me unconditionally.  Whatever the case he is my little angel (even though he wont be little for long) and has helped keep me stay strong, he has added laughter to my days and is truly a gift in my life right now!

[caption id="attachment_139" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="My new Addition..."]My new Addition...[/caption]

In closing, I have said many times in past blogs to tell the people you love that you love them and tell those who are important to you that they matter…that you may not have another chance.  I now realize that even doing that does not prepare you for the inevitable, it does however help you to know they understood how you felt.

So, even with all THREE PARTS OF WONDER I am experiencing right now, remarkably I am being led into a new direction of understanding…I have discovered a better and wiser ME!

Fair well to my best buddy Mozart….

[caption id="attachment_135" align="alignright" width="183" caption="R.I.P. my friend, I will miss you"]My Best Buddy RIP[/caption]

Today I did one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I decided it was best to put my little buddy to sleep and to end his pain.  I guess in a way I have been preparing myself for this over the past 2 months but now it is real.  I have tried and tried to think positive, to think for the best and to keep hope.  I have made every decision based on trust that my pup Mozart would not suffer.  The leg amputation was supposed to be a simple procedure followed by x-rays and then chemo if needed.  The amputation went well, he seemed to be healing and 2 weeks later the x-rays showed a clean bill of health.  I was so happy…Mozi was pulling me on his three legs around the neighborhood and I was dreaming up new ways we would do things together.  Then on the 5th week his appetite seemed to be off, on the 6th week his leg started bleeding, I took him to the vet and they said he was having a rare reaction to the sutures that were now dissolving.  The vet wanted me to monitor it and said the worst option would be to go back in and remove the old and try a different kind.  Last week I was out of town on assignment and my friend Amy had to rush him to the vet because of bleeding, they removed the old sutures and tried something different… three days later I brought him home.  During his stay at the vet a cyst was found removed and sent to the lab.  The cancer had spread.

The past 5 days I have been home with my little guy hoping he would improve.  I have slept next to him and been by his side the entire time.  Yesterday he hemorrhaged again and I had to rush him back to the vet.  I have cried, worried and prayed.  When I looked into his eyes last night all I saw was sadness and pain, this morning after several phone calls to friends I made the decision.  I can say that in all of the years I have had pets and lost this is the toughest. Mozi is the first dog I have had all on my own with no husband or parent in the picture.  He was given to me at my toughest time several months after relocating to Nashville in 2001, starting my new life after divorce, a new city and state, starting my business over, everything was hard except earning his love.  He has been there through a move to a house where he had a huge back yard to play, he has been there through several relationships, live in companions and many ups and downs.  He knows me better than anyone, he could tell when I was upset without hearing a word.  He fought through an incurable disease he got 5 years ago that left him with a constant snotty nose but prevailed. Each day over the past month or so I have watched as the light disappeared from his eyes, his body was not getting around well and he would stare off in some sad place I am sure wishing he could just walk around the block one last time.  It has been 2 months since I have seen him pick up squeaky, chase his tail, lash out at the vacuum cleaner or bark at me in his sassy way. He was a talker and lately…silence.

This morning as I looked into his sad tired eyes I knew his spirit was gone.  I had to grant him the chance to sleep without pain and leave my life the way it was before he ever came into it.  I wouldn’t trade a single day I have had and I know that regardless of the pain I am feeling now that the almost 6 years and 10 months of unconditional joy and love was worth every minute.  On Halloween he would have been 7 years old.  So now all I can say is goodbye my friend and I know he will be there waiting for me someday with stinky breath and a big wet kiss when I go on to the next place.  Fair well to my best buddy Mozart…I love you little buddy and I will miss you so much.

Am I being tested here….

It has been a testing several months, I have slipped from the public scene, completely uninterested in the dating scene and hidden away behind closed doors as I often do when I am in a funk. I cant help but think that this is all a big test of my ability to endure as I am trying to create a new path in life. I am trying to stay positive…

It seemed to start a few months ago when my boy friend and I split after a year and a half and he moved out.  It was a difficult time both emotionally and financially.  Then my father had to put his dog of 12 years to sleep and I was taken by the phone call of his voice so broken and hurt on the other end.  I have never heard my Dad break down as he did that day on the phone, it completely broke my heart.  Then a call from my Mother saying my nephew had taken the rap for a girl he liked at a party claiming he had keyed a car (when in fact she had and he was trying to be a hero).  The crime is considered a felony and he was to go to court over the incident, my family had to find a good lawyer.  He is a bright young man in college and this could really hurt him in his career because a felony is not the greatest thing to have on your resume. His court date was today, fortunately the judge agreed that he would not be charged as long as he pays the 4000$ for the damage to the car, I assume the money spent on the good lawyer paid off. A few weeks ago another call from home and my sister had to put her dog down after it mysteriously became completely paralyzed over night.  My family has always been animal lovers so when we lose a pet it is like a family member.  Then there is the current state of our economy, the summer has been painfully slow and work has not been as plentiful as it usually is so that makes for a less than comfortable lifestyle when you are an artist.  2 weeks ago my step father had to get a pacemaker put in after years of bad health, heart issues and bypass surgery. Last night he was rushed to the hospital and is still there due to some complications. My mother has lost a lot of weight due to the stress and I am concerned about her health in relation to all of these things.  My sister called today to tell me my dad had been stung at least 14 times my a swarm of wasp last night and although he would no go to the hospital he is doing better today.  I am still upset that he wouldnt go and even more so that I am so far away.  And finally after weeks of worry about my pup, a mysterious limp that my vet said was in need of knee surgery, a struggle to find a surgeon who would take him because most will not work on wolf hybrid breeds I found out today he has cancer in that leg and tomorrow is scheduled for surgery to have his leg amputated in hopes of stopping the cancer.

I swear right now my life feels like something out of a movie. Am I being tested here because this sure is a lot of shit all at once.  Honestly I have been able to stay pretty positive through all of this up until today, but then a lot did happen today. I am sad and really fighting with being depressed over all of this.  I am praying for my step dad and hoping to get down to Florida soon and visit he and the rest of my family…it has been way too long.  The thought of loosing my best buddy right now leaves me weak and I am crying just sitting here thinking about it.  I am heart broken that he will loose his leg tomorrow and even more worried that there is a possibility he may not be here with me by the end of the year.  I have no idea how I will pay for the vet bill other than running up the credit card debt and am worried about the emptiness I will face if he doesn’t make it through the cancer.  For the past 6 years this pup has been my best friend, my live in companion and a true gift of love. He has been there through everything I have endured here with my new life in Nashville.

I usually keep these times of sadness to myself because I enjoy trying to inspire others with my blogs and I want to be positive rather than negative.  I have sat here for a while trying to decide if I should post this or not…I guess I am hoping that those of you who have emailed me over the years telling me I inspired you through my words will please send me some prayers, some hope.  I could really use something positive to hold onto right now.  I know things could always be worse and there are always others out there in more need but it still hurts the same.  I shot a photo of my best bud tonight (my new profile pic at the moment), it was tough because he really did not want the photo taken and I had a hard time focusing the camera through the tears….