Thinking Diva

I’ve been struggling all summer with so many internal thoughts about my life, where I am and where I have been. I mentioned in my last post about the struggle, the boredom and that in my past, every 10 years or so when I felt this way I would pack up and move, start over and re-invent who I am. This time around I am content with where I live and no longer feel the desire to pack and move, I love Nashville. A few weekends back, as I did my early morning ritual, scroll through FB and twitter feeds I noticed a friend’s post:

“I’m interested to see who reads my post. I realize that’ s about 5 of you… So if you read this, leave me a one word comment about your day. Only one word please. Then copy this to your wall so I can leave a word for you!

For what ever reason, in that moment I thought…what single word might express how I feel right here right now. In that moment an avalanche of words came rushing through my mind. Words of how I felt, words of how I wanted to feel, words of what I wanted and didn’t want scrambled through my mind! It was then I realized, with my current struggle, I have been slowly isolating myself from the world. I’ve turned down every lake day, most every pool day and every thing in between. I’ve always had a good reason, in my own mind to pass on these things, the need to work on the house, grade papers, edit images…or the one that I use most, I don’t want to spend money on fun because times are tough. Honestly I wasn’t totally aware of what I was doing, I had my self believing my reasons and as the time passed I became more and more isolated from the world. My only interaction seemed to be FB and that left me feeling empty. So on that Saturday I started my pondering of meaningful words which of course become thoughts of all kinds.

It became one of those lonely, cry all day, feel sorry for myself weekends. I reflected on my family, how much I miss them, how we are all getting old and our time is limited. I cried.

I watched a sappy love story on tv and was reminded of my past decisions, where I am and that, I have to admit, I am a bit lonely, not unhappy but I do miss having a companion I can laugh with, share with and be intimate with. I cried.

I thought about my wonderful friends, about how I was disappointed that no one ever checks in much anymore, no calls or text. Then I thought, how can I expect them to stick around if I continue to close them off…I cried.

I thought about Dina, Victoria, Todd, Rusty, Mozi, Elwin and Grannie…those so close to me that I have lost in such a short time and how much I miss them. I cried.

I thought about my frustration with my ever changing career, my lack of feeling I am doing anything in my life that feels worthy and my fear of what can I do? I cried.

I watched a show about millionaire’s who secretly go to non-profits as undercover volunteers. They share stories, learn about those people they are helping and those running the cause who give their lives to others unselfishly. Then after getting close to these people they tell them they are donating large amounts of money to the cause because of how much they have learned, tears always fall on the show….and I cried.

As Sunday morning rolled around I watched my tv church episode and as always cried because of what I believe to be true and that God is with me.

Sometimes I find solace in being home especially the weekends, sitting in silence just listening to the sounds outside knowing everyone else is out being social. That strange loneliness mixed with a uncomfort knowing there is no one special in my life other than friends and family. It often is in those moments I find the most clarity, the most confusion and the most in-depth feeling of existence.

As my weekend of self reflection ended, Monday I went back into auto pilot and began the week. I had the realization Monday morning that I could not use a single word to express where I am right here right now. Love and Gratitude were the first of many that surfaced. I always start in GRATITUDE. I am grateful for all that is, good and bad because it is in that emotion especially over that weekend within my sadness that I realize it has to happen to feel something. I may be different from most in that when I am lonely I tend to make myself lonelier because I withdraw, I have to because it is the only way I know how to get quiet. I have to be grateful, I have to reflect, to hurt and cry. Those things always remind me that I am feeling and I am living. I am being touched by what I am experiencing. I am becoming wise to the secrets that life holds. I am finding out what moves me most and perhaps in time those triggers that make me cry the most hold the secret to where I am headed and what my life purpose is to be. With that I always end at LOVE.

I am living and though it may be in silence from the rest of the world sometimes, I know when it is time, after a few good cries, and some internal realization I will resurface and become social as I always do. With every single step no matter how easy or hard those steps come I continue to begin EACH next chapter of life while I have the breath in my lungs to do what I am here to do. Patience, stillness, gratitude and love must be my friends because that is what is guiding me to a new place. No packing bags at this point in my life, at least for now. I choose to reflect on the baggage I carried, grow, learn and know I can for once re-invent myself while all my friends watch with my feet planted here in Nashville for another 10 years! What words can you come up with to express how you feel right now? Think about it…maybe you will have a weekend like I did and on Monday awake with a huge smile!

Sending love…pass it on!

It has been some time since I have written here at Thinking Diva. For what ever reason I have been in a bit of a funk and working toward trying to get my good energy and attitude back. I have been writing but not posting because I started this blog to share and motivate through being positive. I didn’t want to come off here as being negative even though I realize we all have times when we feel down. That being said most of my struggle’s have been based on life as a whole, not on one particular thing. Maybe I have been having a mid-life crisis! Lately my thoughts are centered around a reoccurring feeling of emptiness, a feeling of lack with everything that has had me wondering how I can get that excitement of life back. Perhaps the experience of loss (all the beautiful friends and family I have lost over the past few years) has created a shift in me that makes me question “Why am I Here?”  It seems that all the things I used to live by no longer have any viability to me. This is not the first time in my life that question has surfaced but it feels a bit different this time around because of my age, my accomplishments and where I am in life.

I AM full of gratitude! I have been very blessed with a wonderful family who I love so much and miss because of the miles I chose to put between us. I have the most wonderful and loving friends you could ask for. I have lived a life doing what I love through a career of creativity. I am content with my “SELF”, I have learned how to maintain self love and my struggle with spirituality has ended so I feel fulfilled. I have no debt, I have a roof over my head, I take care of myself and I am healthy so honestly I have no reason to feel so lost. I feel guilty for my thoughts of “lack” but as we humans often do I sometimes allow regret to surface in what I haven’t had or done. For what ever reason most of my life has been driven by career goals and solely involved only me. I worked hard and did what ever I needed to do, sacrificed what needed to be sacrifice to achieve what I though success was because I truly believed that was what made me happy. Overall I have been a happy person but those things now seem pointless. The things that sadden me in my life right now all center around my lack of personal goals involving others. I will always feel I missed out on the experience of having a child and being a mom. I have excepted it but that awareness does sometimes creep up on me. I have positioned myself in life to be alone, far from family, no responsibilities, no obligations and content with not being in a relationship right now. I wish I had been more mature in my past relationships, I never experienced a healthy-mature relationship in my past because I was not healthy and mature enough to know otherwise. I take full responsibility for my choices, I hold no anger of blame towards anyone and fortunately I know I will do better in this second phase of my life when I am ready to take that step.

As I sit here pondering wether I should even post this I am unsure that these words really have anything you will benefit from. Maybe I am reaching out to you this time hoping for some answers I can’t seem to find, maybe some clarity. My biggest “empty” feeling right now is that I am tired of living my life for just me, it feels so wasteful, it doesn’t have any importance outside of myself and that has come to bother me most. Living the way I have doesn’t feel fulfilling, I don’t feel I am offering myself outwardly in a purposeful way. Is this making any sense? Maybe this is my “story”(we all have one), my need for attention, maybe this is “all about me,” perhaps I am craving validation of feeling like someone or something needs me. Am I just feeling sorry for myself wollering in self pity? Goodness, is that a form of self, co-dependency? I had the realization yesterday that I am probably more than half way through my life. If I died tomorrow I believe I would be ok with what I have accomplished but with the time I have left I want so much more and I don’t want it to center around “just me”. It is not that I am unhappy but there is something really missing and I can’t put my finger on it. I am bored, I feel unchallenged and even worse I have no direction, I am going through the motions of what needs to be done and that is it. It’s like the wind in my sail has left and I am stranded in a vast sea of possibility, paralyzed.

So this is where I stop and go within, I get quiet, I pray, like so many times before but this time I realize….I am really stuck. It’s where I reach out to you and ask what do you think? Is this something we go through and question when we are in our 40′s? Do we all secretly share this and if so what do you all do to create new beginnings? Looking back on my life I see a bit of a pattern here, it seems every 10 years or so when I get bored with my life I pack up and move hundreds of miles to somewhere new to start over, to re-invent and to become excited again. It has worked every single time in my past but this time is different, for once I am really happy with where I live and with my friends. So what now, I can’t run, I don’t want to move….(although there is something intriguing with Santa Fe, Costa Rica or Europe…)

I am reaching out to those of you who were willing to read this far for insight, please share with me, I need a little kick in the ass right about now! Still sending love…but man I could sure use some love right about now (of course there is always moose tracks)!

Over a week ago I spent time with my family in Ocala and some time in Orlando dealing with some personal things (from what I often refer to as my “past life”). I had several days of steady driving to reflect on my life, where I’ve been, where I am, who I was and who I am now. I started thinking that if we face our fear, allow ourselves to take big steps rather than small ones and challenge ourselves, results can happen so much faster than taking baby steps. They can also be positive or negative but the important thing is how we deal with the outcome. We have to take accountability that WE make our own choices and those choices pave the road to where we end up. I took some extremely BIG steps 11 years ago and it led me to the happy place I am today.

It is hard for me to believe sometimes how different the person staring at me in the mirror was 10 years ago compared to the one staring back at me now. When I think back I do not like the person I was. I was selfish, unkind, self-absorbed, dishonest, ego oriented and negative. I built my career on drive, appeared to connect with others but did not allow others inside my heart. I felt that vulnerability made people weak, that being vulnerable would not allow me to have the success I wanted because I knew the only way for me to succeed was to stay completely focused on the carrot no matter what. Not allowing my self to be vulnerable also kept me from allowing real love into my life which also made me an un-loving person.

As I age I continue to learn what this journey of life has presented to me. The reality of my past is apparent in all of what I am today, I am the only one who can truly take the responsibility for past decisions, there can be no blame towards anyone else. Yes, other people do bad things at times but I allowed those people into my life in most cases and had a choice weather or not to do so. My mindset, coming from a small town, when I was younger was that I was going to be different, I was going to be something big for the people in that small town to admire, to relish. There was a lot of wealth there and I did not come from it so I felt I had something to prove. I worked my ass off, worked many different jobs but always pushed for that career as an artist. I never did any thing I would regret, never allowed myself to make a hasty decision for the sake of advancing in my career. Being a woman made it much harder, I had to prove myself, I had to work twice as hard and I had to work in a male dominant world with the odds against me. When my life came to a sudden halt in 2001 due to my decision for change I had gone from a small town girl with nothing to a self made woman with what appeared to be the perfect husband, the perfect home in the perfect neighborhood. We had boats, cars and lots of toys and most were due to my success. I took trips, traveled, had big parties and I felt at that point in my life I had made it to the level of where I had strived to be, I had reached my mountain top. What I didn’t realize is that all those things that I thought mattered we’re superficial. I awoke one day with everything I thought I ever wanted yet felt as lost and empty as I had the day I graduated from high school. I felt lonely at the top of that mountain and after looking at my life realized I was living a superficial existence. Everything on the outside that people saw looked perfect just as I had wanted but on the inside my life was filled with sadness, unhappiness and pain. All that stuff meant nothing.

Today those early decisions are why I have no kids, why I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 10 years, why I feel sometimes like I missed out on those life things most people either brag about or take for granted. Family, kids, unconditional love, the understanding that something outside of yourself is more important, being there for others and giving back rather than always thinking of yourself.

In that week I spent in Florida I learned that a friend who had passed was hurt by some decisions I had made back in that selfish time. I was so self absorbed in “ME” that I failed to realize I never sat down and talked with her of the details directly related to my decisions that negatively affected her. Today I am struggling with things that went unsaid to a friend I loved dearly who is now in heaven. It sucks to know I can’t sit her down, look her in the eye’s and talk to her, tell her how much she means to me and that I am sorry. There is some relief from the call I made 2 years ago with an apology when I learned of her heart bypass, but at the time I wasn’t aware of what she didn’t know about my earlier decisions so the apology had to have felt a bit shallow to her. What ever the case I can take back time and it saddens me. All I can do is believe that she hears me now and understands.

So why am I sharing this with you all? Over the years I have said over and over again to tell the ones you love that you love them, to forgive those who have hurt you and to realize that our time is limited so be sure you have no regrets. I still believe in all of those things but now have the apprehension that sometimes we may not realize that others may be living with a different understanding of something from our past. We may never learn such things exist but if we do somehow gain insight to this kind of discrepancy as I did on my recent trip we must have to ability to forgive ourselves  in a loving way. Although I am struggling with this now I know in time aIl will be ok with what I  have learned even if I can’t change anything now. We are human, we are not perfect but when we allow ourselves to live in a loving way, even when we stumble we have the potential through sharing to teach others from our mistakes. That is really why I am here, why each time I share openly and why I hope those of you who do read know I want my words to make you think about yourselves and open your heart accordingly. These words are really no longer about me but a reference to think about the possibilities for you. My goal is merely to make you think. Sending love out to all of you….pass it on!

It is amazing how your heart can actually hurt in your chest when you are missing someone. This weekend I feel like I am living with the ghost of my past and I am trying to figure out the message all of this sadness is supposed to be teaching me. The loss of three extremely important people over the last several years, two just last year, has taught me a lot about life, it has reminded me to be grateful for the time shared, for the wonderful memories, for what I have now and to be sure to tell those I love that I LOVE them every chance I get. So why is it I continue to grieve sometimes many years later, why do I still feel so lonely and hurt so deep?

I am beginning to feel like grieving is triggered by difficult things that I am dealing with while living out my life. The memories of those who have left us is a reminder to smile because of our time spent with them but the deep void of not having them here can make us feel extremely lonely. These three musketeers are killing me this weekend. One was a best friend from my past life, one was the love of my life and the other a recent best friend. People I shared my deepest feelings with because the trust was so strong I never felt vulnerable. Perhaps I am feeling lonely right now because I don’t have anyone in my life I feel as close to as I did with them.

It takes time, love and compassion to gain complete trust in a best friend. It also takes knowing that in a moment that person would drop everything to be there for you if you needed them to be. Knowing that they would alway be the first to answer or return a call or text because they loved you. The kind of best friend you can tell anything too, who knows when something is bothering you without you saying a word. The kind of friend who can be brutally honest with you and you understand their honesty is to help you because you know they care so much. This is different than family because you share selectively with family. I’m not saying that I don’t have wonderful close friends here for me now because I do but I feel a void in that I don’t have that one person who I feel that complete trust with and that is where the sadness and loneliness is coming from. I’m sure a big part of that is also missing them, not being able to hear their voice or having the ability to just hug them.

This weekend I got a phone call from Wes, the boyfriend of 16 years to my best friend “Victoria”from my past life in Florida, she passed away last summer. I knew in time he and I would talk, I wanted it to happen, looked forward to it but dreaded it at the same time. For those of you who know me well you know that my past is littered with bad decisions, that I was in a verbally abusive relationship that was becoming physical and that I left that all behind in the dark of night leaving no trace of where I had gone to many. It was an extremely difficult decision and sadly it did not only effect me but others that I cared deeply about, Victoria was one. When I left I was sure I shared with her the details of what was going on in my life, she was upset with me because we were not only friends but shared a commercial space so my decision to leave changed her life as well. Our relationship during my time of preparation was tarnished and it hurt me deeply, I couldn’t figure out why my best friend didn’t understand my decision for the sake of my well being. On Saturday my conversation with Wes brought much more light to the situation than I had known, I now realize that I was so ingulfed in my world during that time, exhausted from the drama, embarrassed by the situation and with drawn on so may levels that I never clearly shared with her like a good friend does in detail what my reasons were for leaving. I failed in that regard and finding out now, knowing how confused she was with my decision and how badly I hurt her is an eye opener, especially because she is gone and I can’t have that conversation with her now. Two years ago when I found out she had to have a triple bi-pass I let go of my ego and called her to tell her I loved her and I was sorry for anything I had done in the past that had hurt her, I told her that I missed our friendship and I hoped she would forgive me. She did and today I am extremely grateful I made that call. I was not aware of the details I discovered yesterday when I made that call two years ago but I feel better knowing she forgave me especially hearing Wes say she was happy and relieved after my call.

We learn so much about ourselves in time after decisions and actions are made. Strange how we all preceive things differently, it reminds me how our view of the world is all so different. I find comfort with who I have become since starting my life over ten years ago, I am a very different person than I was back then. I think Victoria would have loved me more for the person I am today. Dina and Todd knew me as my new self, I have no regrets with them because I was able to share myself in a more muture state, openly and with complete honesty. I hope that even though I told them how much I loved them when they were alive, my actions convinced them of their importance in my life.

God sure has a way of stirring it all up sometimes, in the end I guess it only makes us better if we are feeling it, processing it and being grateful for the lesson no matter how much it hurts. The past few years have me thinking about heaven a lot. There is a curiosity there that keeps me enguaged and has taken the fear out of death, not only for myself but for those I love. It is humorous to me the vision I now have created in my own mind of those three different personalities, those three musketeers looking down on me, having all the answers now and smiling while enjoying the view. It is comforting believing that we will all eventually be together in the end enjoying that view when it is our time to go!

In closing I hope that my sharing might remind us all to be more honest with ourselves and others while we have the chance. We don’t always see things the same and we have to realize that conflict often is from mis-communication not necessarily anger, anger is more the result of ego. We also have to learn to let go of the past, forgive not only others but ourselves and allow the goodness that comes with surrendering to take over our emotions. Sending love to all of you, pass it on…

Sunday morning I went to the greenway with Big D and took along my new Apple Nano. When I added music from my iTunes library instead of being specific I chose several of the “Genius” mixes that iTunes created for me. As we began our walk I hit play and was completely surprised to hear a familiar yet very old melody. The first song was an oldie by Jim Croce, he was by far one of my favorites as a child. His songs seemed to speak to me even though many of them had lyrics I really didn’t understand because of my age. As I listened I felt a rush of calmness yet sadness run through me. I tried to evaluate my emotions, it was the reflection back to my childhood and that missing part of me, the innocence, the curiosity with everything around me and the lack of knowing what life teaches us as an adult. We don’t have the same worries or desires as a child and it reminded me of the simple times. I grew up in a very remote area on a lake, my best friends were God and nature and I spent much of my time alone entertaining myself with bugs, leaves, water and anything else that was available in the great outdoors. I also wrote my feelings down all of the time, I was a deeply reflective and thoughtful child. We change as we grow older,we become what we surround ourselves around but I also believe that the core of who we are is based on what we experienced from the age of 3-10 years old and how we processed all that happened in that time. As I listened to the song I smiled at how it made me feel inside, pure goodness.

The next song was Pat Benatar, memories of my first car, driving with the music loud and singing at the top of my lungs. Then Maroon 5…I remembered everything I missed and loved about TG. The sadness, his struggle, the way he touched me, his smile and how he died. As the walk went on and the music shuffled through song after song I was introduced to others from my past, some are no longer alive, I was reminded of different things within myself. With every word and melody that trickled through my headset, each song made me feel something deeply embedded inside.

Music has always been an important part of my life, I listen to the lyrics and the ones that become my favorite are usually because I can relate to what is being said…other times it is just a great melody and it makes me feel good. I believe that music is the universal language because even if we don’t understand what is being said we can still connect. Sunday’s walk reminded me that there are memories deeply hidden with in us that reflect our life journey. If you are like me and choose to find goodness in even the bad times then when sadness hits you, your choose to feel, accept and smile knowing that those experiences made you who you are today. If you love yourself that will bring a smile to your face. Memories are a true gift from God in my opinion and I am still amazed at how many are tucked away just waiting to come out. There is something so beautiful in knowing that out of nowhere you can be reminded of something from your past.

When I got home I had a knock on my door. It seems that music inspired a friend to stop by my house because the song she heard on the radio on the way home from church reminded her of me…even though the first time we heard the song at the same time was when she played it for me, it enticed me to create a ringtone from it. Since that ringtone was created that song reminds several others of me now, interesting how we relate odd things to events or people in our lives!

As I leave you let me offer you a chance to stir up your emotions and actually feel something deep inside. Pull out that old photo album, or box of old pictures and take a look. Set your iPod or iTunes library to shuffle and feel what each song has the ability to create for you. The opportunity to allow an old memory to resurface will stir your soul and remind you that you are still alive. That ability to feel something that deep might upset you, make you laugh or make you mad but it is the emotion of those FEELINGS that often break the monotony and numbness of living our lives on autopilot. Those emotions that old memories stir up might actually teach you something about yourself! Sending love out to all of you…pass it on!

Once again we are at the end of a year and facing the beginning of a new one. For what ever reason I always get excited about the possibilities that lie ahead this time of year and with that excitement I like to make list of what I want to achieve and experience moving forward. I have always been a deep thinker and I love making list of goals and day dreaming of what is possible. As we enter the new year many of us reflect back to what happened in the past year good or bad. I have had some bad in regards to friends passing, storm damage and unfortunate happenings that resulted in a non extant bank balance at times but I choose not to focus on those things. They happen, they are a part of life and I want to take all things good or bad and focus on what those experiences gave me not what they took away from me. Negative things DO happen, life is like that but when you choose to focus on only the positive, you move through “things” quicker and that enhances your quality of life.

So with the new year quickly approaching here is my list so far:

-come out of the closet….as a mixed media artist! My friends have known for years of my artistic endeavors and how I have been giving my art to charity and as gifts. I have not publicly marketed or shown my work as an artist and I have hopes of extending my creative career with additional income doing this in 2012!

-learn how to weld by taking a welding class, yep I have wanted this for years but I hope this will be the year I finally learn, I want to be able to make table legs and lamps after learning how to throw fire from a torch!

-look into the possibilities of re-launching “ReTune Nashville” as a non-profit 501c3 that helps raise money for inner city schools art and music programs. This has been in the back of my mind since ReTune Nashville was launched as a flood relief project. I have a teaching background and understand the politics and lack of budget available for these programs and I truly believe that  music and art can help those students who are not doing well academically. Imagine the possibilities we could create for underprivileged kids by giving them a reason to feel self worth through art and music. Imagine a non profit that also allows those who contribute to have a platform to share their talents with the world. This is not just a platform about giving to help, it is helping and being showcased as a mentor for artistic and musical talent. It is about giving back and becoming an inspiration to others. I have a vision and pray that God will bring the people into my life who have the strengths to make this a reality!

-offer a workshop to people wanting to know how to take better pictures and how to use imagery to promote themselves in the world of social media. Working on the logistics now, hoping I have the appeal and value to offer others inspiration and knowledge to improve their visibility!

-continue meeting and making new friends who inspire me through positivity!

- continue writing about my personal experiences in a way that inspires others to be more loving to themselves and to others. My hope is to motivate others to be happier in their lives through positive thinking!

-date more…have fun dating and enjoy the pursuit of flirtation that it creates!

-and of course the one thing on the list every year…work out and lose those few extra pounds, my new “Move’s Like Jagger” plan has great potential!

I still have a few days left to add to this list but I also want to reflect on how 2011 has enriched my life. The hurdles I have experienced and what will stand out most as my greatest memories from the year.

-the most important thing 2011 has given to me is the gift of love and wonderful friendships. I am extremely grateful for the beautiful friends I have in my life, how those relationships grew this year and how love has multiplied all around me due to those wonderful relationships.

-I am blessed to have had a better year in business than the past few years due to the economy, I was able to pick up some big accounts including the Cracker Barrel and feel so blessed to be doing what I love and getting paid for it.

-I am grateful for all the volunteers, sponsors and support of so many people through out Nashville who helped make “ReTune Nashville” so successful. I am proud that all of our hard work was able to raise $ 65,000.00 to help musicians and songwriters who were directly affected by the flood of 2010. It was a one year labor of love and commitment and by far the most gratifying thing I have ever been a part of in this lifetime.

-I lost two very important friends…a best friend from my past life in Orlando, Florida Victoria Bowen died from heart issues at the age of 51 and one of my best friends Dina D’Gerolamo passed away in September, she was my age, we had similar backgrounds and I felt a connection to her like a family member. Although I miss them both so much I know they are in a better place and I am so honored to have had the chance to have had their friendship while they were alive, I will cherish those memories for a lifetime!

So with that I am done for now with my pondering….I am curious what your new year has in store. Please feel free to share with me your list! One last thing I want to hope for in the new year, I hope that every single one of you out there choose to enhance your life with love this year. Love toward others, love for something you enjoy doing, love for your family, love for what you eat, love for who you spend time with, love for where you go, love for what you share, love in all your judgement, love in the words that leave your mouth, love in forgiveness, and most of all love for your self. If we all put a little more effort into “LOVE” I believe the world will be a better place, one baby step at a time. And with that I hope you will spread the word of “Love”, I will continue working on my art series “Love Is…” and wishing you all love from the bottom of my goofy, humble, grateful, open, touched heart, pass it on!

Is it me or does there seem to be a lot of negative energy out there lately? I have felt like I need to spend more time alone than I normally do because I have not felt comfortable outside my home, it is as if the energy everywhere is heavy and uncomfortable. It is more of an un-settling feeling than the act of others complaining in a negative way although that is happening too. I am not a big TV fan but if I do turn it on I have purposely choose to NOT watch the news or anything with drama which is 80+ percent of what seems to be available anymore. I have changed my music spin to include more mellow vibes. I have been trying to exercise more, eat less and be healthier with my overall choices. I guess I have been spending more time being spiritual and trying to figure out how to just feel good, stay positive and be happy.

I recently had a strange dream and I have been trying to decide whether I should post my thoughts or not. Someone I lost a few years ago came to me in my dream and spoke to me about life and death. I guess maybe this dream was brought on by recent events I have been dealing with emotionally. A week and a half ago I lost a great friend, Victoria from my life back in Orlando whom I was very close to and she was only 51 years old. It seems so unfair and I am still in a state of shock. My mind has been trying to understand, to deal and to heal. I have lost 5 extremely important people-2 family members, 1 significant other, 2 great friends and a pet in the past 5 years and each time it kicks me down and makes me question life and why we are here.

As I struggled to sleep the night this dream occurred I was restless, my back has been bothering me and the house has not felt cool due to the intense heat wave. TG came to me in this dream, he passed away in 2008 from addiction and perhaps the news of Amy Winehouse’s death influence his visit with all the public discussion on her addiction. What ever the case it was a very vivid and enlightening experience. In the dream he was smiling at me and he told me he was happy. I told him I knew he was in Heaven (earlier post about him being in Hell due to the nature of his death), he smiled and said that when a person dies they are stripped down to the core of who they are, the goodness that they are born with which is their spirit and that goes to a wonderful place that I could never imagine because it is beyond human understanding. All the bad stuff goes somewhere else and is no longer a part of that spirit (he did not say where that part went). He went on to explain how throughout our lives, with all of our experiences and choices we often lose sight of our goodness, our judgement, we start to express anger, and other negative emotions. In time if we do not allow ourselves to notice this constant negativity we slowly grow into that role and we become what we think. We become something so far away from what we are intended to be and with all of that distance comes depression, unhappiness, lack of integrity and anger. He said that because we begin to dis-like who we are subconsciously we begin doing things out of character in our unhappiness. Things like cheating, substance abuse, overeating, constant negative judgement and others as they begin to mask our unhappiness. This happens because it is easier to put that energy into making others wrong than to look within our selves and deal with the pain and guilt we have created. If we don’t recognize what we are doing and make changes we continue to hate who we are and live with self guilt. If we can at anytime stop the busyness, the noise of life and recognize that gift of goodness each one of us are born with we will realize how good it makes us feel. If we allow that to resonate long enough it will bring us back to who we are supposed to be, if not we will go through life feeling lost from time to time, staying busy to keep us from feeling anything and later regret the things we did or didn’t do. There were many other personal things TG and I talked about in that dream but in the end he smiled and said he had to go, I said I knew, he kissed me and I awoke from the dream.

It was a lot to take in, I made myself turn on the light and write every single thing I remembered so it wouldn’t be lost the next morning. I don’t know the truth of our dreams, if we subconsciously make them up or if there really is a way for loved ones who have passed to come to us when we are sleeping. When he kissed me before he left he asked me to look into his eyes. It was what made me fall in love with him early on in out relationship before he became intertwined with addiction. He had beautiful deep blue eyes you could get lost in. It was something I couldn’t do later because of the pain I saw when he was slowly killing himself after the addiction started. When he asked me to look into them I was scared of what I might see but was relieved when I saw no pain..only happiness. I am unsure what this dream is supposed to mean, if anything but it deeply moved me. I feel better about his passing and content that even if I made it up as a way of letting go that is all ok because I know he is with God now. His death makes me want to give, to share and to love deeper than ever before so he gave me more than he ever knew.

It is hard to loose people you love that you are close to, Victoria’s death has me thinking more about what I want to accomplish, she always appeared to be the healthier one in our group, she ate better foods, exercised more and was always doing. I was with her the first time I ever traveled outside the US, and repeated the trip more than once. We backpacked throughout Portugal and Spain, visited Amsterdam and got lost once in the Paris airport, missed a flight and laughed so hard people thought we were crazy. I am so grateful that those beautiful memories will always be with me. Her death makes me want to see more of the world, to take more chances, to be more than I have allowed myself to be. It has made me question so many things yet be grateful for so many more.

I am still pondering the idea that the goodness we were born with is still somewhere in each and everyone of us, some of us just have no idea what that was because we have allowed ourselves to drift so far away. I want my goodness to shine brighter than it ever has and I want to see others do the same. Together we can change the negativity around us one person at a time and I know the core of all goodness starts with LOVE…pass it on and see what happens!

Today I awoke feeling restless, wanting to release some anxiety and not really understanding why I was irritable and uneasy. Nothing had happened, no apparent reason for feeling this way but believing there must be something unsettled within me.  Have you ever felt that way? I sat around quietly at first, turned on some music then silent again. It is interesting to just sit quietly and listen. The things around the room, the dog breathing, the fridge, the ac, a motorcycle in the distance. At first it can be uncomfortable but once you allow yourself to become relaxed your mind begins to speak to you. Thoughts and memories come out of no where, nothing is organized just random things but without the noise of tv, radio or people you actually hear your thoughts. After several hours of contemplating, reflecting on where I’ve been, where I am, what seems good or bad within me, the only thing I could come up with was I am ready for some change. Something new, I am unsure what, maybe seek out some new friends, a new hobby, join a new group or something. After several hours of silence I took a nap because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. When I awoke I realized that I need something in my life to intrigue me, to stimulate me, to interest and inspire me because I am becoming too comfortable in my daily regiment which is beginning to bore me. I believe this is what  is creating my anxiety.

What would you do if your compass was broke? I guess in a way that is how I am feeling right now. I am out there doing but not sure what direction I am headed. I have been so dedicated over the past year, first to ReTune Nashville and now to myself, my art and my career and all of a sudden feel a little lost. My entire life I felt I had a map, a goal and a direction, when ever I felt this way I would create more busyness or on several occasions pack up move somewhere new without knowing anyone and start my life over. It kept me happy, it kept me re-mapping my destination, perhaps it was a form of running as my father once said to me but it always worked and pointed me one step closer to where I am now. Eventually I realized that I had to love myself and that is what I have worked towards for the past 10 years here in Nashville. This place I am in now feels different, back then I was not happy with me, once I learned of self love I became happy, now I am just bored. My life list of accomplishments have pretty much been by design minus the things in my relationship sector, and I am unsure what I want next. Nashville is my home 100% so there will be no move in my future to take me to my fresh new life ahead.

I have restricted my social activity and spent many, many hours working towards new year goals I set for myself in January. One in particular was to not date, to focus on me, to get healthier in body and in mind. When I set the “NO” dating goal I told myself I would re-visit dating in August because I felt that would be enough time to get healthy. Dating often seems like a job search to me and I really am not interested in that process. So many of my friends are on dating sites and it all looks too overwhelming to me. It seems it should be so much more simple than that. I always find myself meeting great men but not having any chemistry and then having a difficult time figuring out how to let them know without hurting their feelings in hopes of maintaining a friendship. My problem is that I very seldom feel an attraction or chemistry and then am left with the realization of what a man would think if faced with “I just want to be friends”, most do not want to stick around for that. Maybe it is silly but I love the immediate WOW factor when you have big energy with someone you just met. It is not just physical attraction it is the conversation, the intrigue, the entire package not just one part. Perhaps this is why men and woman seem very different, or maybe it is just me. Men are wired differently and seem to be intrigued with women first through physical attraction before anything else even registers. Please share with me if I have this wrong!

I have been told by several friends that I have no game, that I am unapproachable or that I need to learn the art of flirting. Maybe this is true but I have never really felt I was like any other woman out there. I am not one to flirt with a stranger, to dress flashy in order to turn a head or to have to work at being the center of attention. I am somewhat shy in the presence of an attractive man, even more so if I am attracted to him directly and maybe I give off the impression of not being interested. I feel men have become lazy, they put no effort into the process of dating, maybe that is because so many women are throwing themselves at them or that women have become so independent that men don’t actually have to do anything any more. I think women have become too aggressive and often come off as being desperate. What is wrong with a little mystery, with patience and with getting to know someone before pursuing anything. Maybe I have watched too many movies, maybe too old fashion or perhaps just a hopeless romantic but I can’t be something I am not and if that causes me to remain single because I am not willing to compromise or settle for something I am not then so be it.

When I look at the overall dating scene especially for people my age I realize it is complicated because we have spent half of our lives becoming who we are. I think that many people, male and female are trying too hard, looking for someone who will fill a void that is missing in their lives. I think that there are so many people who can’t just sit and be quiet without freaking out to the silence…which we all know is not silence but our inner voice speaking to us. If we can’t sit alone with ourselves and be happy how can we expect to have someone else make us happy. No one can fulfill that void, that “Thing” that is missing because that thing is inside of us not out there in someone else. If more people realized this I think there would be more happiness and more love within us all. We would allow others to be as they are and love that they are unique, if things don’t match our expectations we have the choice to leave. Making a person wrong for not being what you want will not work, love does not insult for the sake of validation!

What I have learned with age is that the more I am honest with myself and with others the better I become. The more I love myself and life the healthier I am. I am comfortable with who I am, I love my life no matter what it lacks, I have forgiven myself and others for anything and everything from my past and I am by far the healthiest both inside and out than I have ever been in my life. I know that if a man comes into my life he will get a beautiful person, not a perfect person…there are flaws despite my self confidence. Most of all he will get me and will either love that or not. I don’t really think that my anxiety is from the lack of a man being in my life but I do feel allowing myself back in the game could add some interest and perhaps allow me to let go of some of this boredom. How to find a date is another story and it is not August yet so I will wait till then to worry about that. I know that you have to want to date to get a date so until August….sending love out to you all!

I spent the Thanksgiving holiday back in my hometown with my family, it was the first time I have been back to Ocala, FLA in almost a year.  The trip was full of emotions and time to reflect on my life, something I seem to do more and more as I age.  I was born in Ocala but spent the first 13 years or so in Salt Springs, an area located about 20 minutes outside of Ocala in the Ocala National Forest. There was a store, a few small churches, some camping sites and a mom and pop restaurant that had the best cheeseburgers, not much has changed.  Those early years as a child living in the seclusion of the country side is the biggest reason I write so expressively now.  I spent most of my time under the swaying pines writing poems, and personal thoughts in my journal.  Miranda Lambert’s song “The House That Built Me” it that place where my first 13 years was spent and word for word that song carries so much meaning for me.

As I get older I feel a need to hold on to every memory and moment I spend with my family.  I see my mom and dad getting older and I can’t help but tear up to think how much I will miss them when they are gone.  I hate that I think that way but I find myself making more out of every conversation and every moment I have with them because of it.  I feel so lucky to have parents who care so much, who love me, who I can talk to and whom I can see so much of them in me.  I also love the time I spend with my beautiful sister, I was a pretty lousy sister as a child, I was older and was mean to her in so many ways, I am thankful she and I have such a wonderful relationship now.  Those early sister memories of our fights are now replaced with laughter when we get together.  I have found that with all the losses I have experienced over the past few years I cherish my family time, every laugh, every tear and every moment.

This Thanksgiving marked the first time in many years that I took a man home with me for my family to meet.  I know that sounds trivial but I am very protective of my time with them and this was a tremendous step for me.  This was the fifth guy in my life time (including my high school sweetheart) that I have introduced a significant other to my family in all my 45 years.  I am sure there were some young men in my teen and preteen years, but none come to mind at the moment.  I have to be honest and admit that deep down I used to believe that I was so horrible at relationships that I didn’t want my family to meet the men I dated.  I am sure it was because I had doubts about the longevity of those relationships.  I didn’t want them to see me fail because I didn’t want them to worry about me when I was dealing with the hurt.  That sounds weird to say out loud but I guess I didn’t want them to worry about me while I was dealing with a heartache, I wanted them to see me as a strong independent woman who didn’t need someone to take care of me.  Perhaps I am not ready to dive into that part of “ME” discovery, I am sure there is something deeper to learn there but I will save that for a future post.

TO BE CONTINUED…