May 22 2012

The wind in my sail has left and I am stranded in a vast sea of possibility, paralyzed…

It has been some time since I have written here at Thinking Diva. For what ever reason I have been in a bit of a funk and working toward trying to get my good energy and attitude back. I have been writing but not posting because I started this blog to share and motivate through being positive. I didn’t want to come off here as being negative even though I realize we all have times when we feel down. That being said most of my struggle’s have been based on life as a whole, not on one particular thing. Maybe I have been having a mid-life crisis! Lately my thoughts are centered around a reoccurring feeling of emptiness, a feeling of lack with everything that has had me wondering how I can get that excitement of life back. Perhaps the experience of loss (all the beautiful friends and family I have lost over the past few years) has created a shift in me that makes me question “Why am I Here?”  It seems that all the things I used to live by no longer have any viability to me. This is not the first time in my life that question has surfaced but it feels a bit different this time around because of my age, my accomplishments and where I am in life.

I AM full of gratitude! I have been very blessed with a wonderful family who I love so much and miss because of the miles I chose to put between us. I have the most wonderful and loving friends you could ask for. I have lived a life doing what I love through a career of creativity. I am content with my “SELF”, I have learned how to maintain self love and my struggle with spirituality has ended so I feel fulfilled. I have no debt, I have a roof over my head, I take care of myself and I am healthy so honestly I have no reason to feel so lost. I feel guilty for my thoughts of “lack” but as we humans often do I sometimes allow regret to surface in what I haven’t had or done. For what ever reason most of my life has been driven by career goals and solely involved only me. I worked hard and did what ever I needed to do, sacrificed what needed to be sacrifice to achieve what I though success was because I truly believed that was what made me happy. Overall I have been a happy person but those things now seem pointless. The things that sadden me in my life right now all center around my lack of personal goals involving others. I will always feel I missed out on the experience of having a child and being a mom. I have excepted it but that awareness does sometimes creep up on me. I have positioned myself in life to be alone, far from family, no responsibilities, no obligations and content with not being in a relationship right now. I wish I had been more mature in my past relationships, I never experienced a healthy-mature relationship in my past because I was not healthy and mature enough to know otherwise. I take full responsibility for my choices, I hold no anger of blame towards anyone and fortunately I know I will do better in this second phase of my life when I am ready to take that step.

As I sit here pondering wether I should even post this I am unsure that these words really have anything you will benefit from. Maybe I am reaching out to you this time hoping for some answers I can’t seem to find, maybe some clarity. My biggest “empty” feeling right now is that I am tired of living my life for just me, it feels so wasteful, it doesn’t have any importance outside of myself and that has come to bother me most. Living the way I have doesn’t feel fulfilling, I don’t feel I am offering myself outwardly in a purposeful way. Is this making any sense? Maybe this is my “story”(we all have one), my need for attention, maybe this is “all about me,” perhaps I am craving validation of feeling like someone or something needs me. Am I just feeling sorry for myself wollering in self pity? Goodness, is that a form of self, co-dependency? I had the realization yesterday that I am probably more than half way through my life. If I died tomorrow I believe I would be ok with what I have accomplished but with the time I have left I want so much more and I don’t want it to center around “just me”. It is not that I am unhappy but there is something really missing and I can’t put my finger on it. I am bored, I feel unchallenged and even worse I have no direction, I am going through the motions of what needs to be done and that is it. It’s like the wind in my sail has left and I am stranded in a vast sea of possibility, paralyzed.

So this is where I stop and go within, I get quiet, I pray, like so many times before but this time I realize….I am really stuck. It’s where I reach out to you and ask what do you think? Is this something we go through and question when we are in our 40′s? Do we all secretly share this and if so what do you all do to create new beginnings? Looking back on my life I see a bit of a pattern here, it seems every 10 years or so when I get bored with my life I pack up and move hundreds of miles to somewhere new to start over, to re-invent and to become excited again. It has worked every single time in my past but this time is different, for once I am really happy with where I live and with my friends. So what now, I can’t run, I don’t want to move….(although there is something intriguing with Santa Fe, Costa Rica or Europe…)

I am reaching out to those of you who were willing to read this far for insight, please share with me, I need a little kick in the ass right about now! Still sending love…but man I could sure use some love right about now (of course there is always moose tracks)!


Apr 17 2010

Hoping for a life changing moment, reflecting on past memories = self indulged confusion?

I have to admit something is going on.  I am unsure of what it is but I can feel something deep inside that I can’t explain.  Over the past few years I have studied metaphysics a little and read numerous self-help books.  I have been on a spiritual search and feel I have come to an awakening of sorts but I still feel there is some little something still missing, I can’t put my finger on it and I have no idea what it is but I feel it is there.  Does any of that make sense to any one else?  I have been in Nashville now for almost 9 years and have hoped that in that amount of time I would burry my past, re-invent who I am and become an amazing new persona that could change the world.  Perhaps a little corny to the masses but I have always been a dreamer.  I think I have always hoped that I could be one of those people who had that instant life changing moment that would remold me into someone different, full of meaning, confidence and insight, someone who made a difference, someone you read about or see in some documentary on tv.  I have always thought that those things happened in a flash and one day you are just different.

This past week I was re-united with some old high school friends through facebook after I was tagged in some pictures posted from around 1981-1983. For some reason it has stirred up a lot of emotions and some realities I have not thought of before or perhaps they were just buried.  When I look at those people of my past and see where they are now, all of their lives seem to be centered around family, kids and their significant other. As I have said before, for the first time in my life I feel really comfortable with who I am and with not being in a relationship.  Yet, this week I am feeling like I have fallen short because I have no responsibility other than making sure I pay my bills each month.  I have no other obligations, no one to worry about, no where to be, no one who wonders where I am if I don’t come home (other than the big white pink eared dog).  All of a sudden it feels so strange to me and I have to admit I feel a little out of sorts.  I feel so free and content yet at the same time that I missed out on life’s true gift…that of giving life, a family, being a mom, giving my life to someone else rather than just focusing on myself.

Last night I pulled my old year books out wanting to see a picture of someone I heard had passed away, I knew the name but needed to connect a face.  I found myself engulfed in those books for an hour, looking at all the pictures and reading all the notes my friends had left in between each page.  The strangest part of the hour was knowing it was me back then but not really recognizing that person any more.   I read my senior yearbook post and it said that I hoped to be happily married “someday”, to have a successful career and to make my parents proud.  As I sat there a little teary eyed I realized how much we make words take on meaning that society has buttered us up into believing is the only way we will be happy.  I had a marriage and although I am sure it was happy in the beginning it was not in the end and it has made me wonder if I will ever cross that bridge again.  I know my career has been successful but where I stand right now I feel it is in need of some huge changes due to technology shifts and I am questioning everything in regards to what I am truly supposed to be doing.  I do feel like I have made my parents proud but at the same time I believe they were always proud of me so in a sense that was just an empty statement a 17 year old thinks when faced with the reality of adulthood.

I have felt lately I am floundering around like a fish out of water, even writing this feeling like there is really no direction just hoping something will shift in an instant, that a light bulb will go off and in that moment I will be a different person.  Even with self love and spirit how come I am not complete?  How can I love “ME” yet feel I am still looking for a purpose, I don’t want to call it career but I know what we do with our time holds as much importance as loving ourselves and believing in God or what ever you want to name it.  My idea of the person I want to be is someone who gives something back to the world in a way that truly makes a difference.  The person I feel like I am is invisible.  I think this goes back to the way we put meaning to things, the way we beat ourselves up at times.  The weirdest part of this whole thing is that I love “ME” right now, I do feel comfortable in my skin, with my spirituality and my relationship with God.  So if I have that knowing I never had that comfort in my past why does it still feel as if I am still falling short?

So many questions, so much more in this life to learn and wanting so badly to understand it all.  Sitting here this morning as I write, I am enjoying the gentle breeze coming through the window.  I can hear a flurry of birds, many different kinds in the distance chattering amongst themselves.  I can hear the neighbor talking baby talk to their little one as she speaks back in some strange language only a parent would understand.  Someone just cranked up some music, I think it is Tracy Chapman as I recognize the melody yet I can’t make out the song.  Such simple things yet all of them make me feel better.  In this exact moment of my self indulged confusion I feel a little relief just from the sounds softly filtering in, the perfect temperature, the sun, the blue sky.  Although it is not completely quiet I think this is what quiet is supposed to be.  Today no matter what my state of mind, or perhaps confusion I think I will spend my day alone out in my yard just being, enjoying the spring weather, doing a few chores and thinking about my life.  I am sure another post will come from this and my hope is that it will be insightful.  If not for you at least for me.  Have a wonderful weekend everyone, sending love and thank you for reading!  SMOOCH!!!!


Apr 23 2009

Life & death, letting go of lack and pondering judgment….

I’ve not blogged in a while and I have been upset with myself for not doing so.  My step father is dying and it is incurable (maybe 30 days according to a medical friend) and I feel like life is testing my strength every day.   I’m not going to blog about that but it is what has been going through my mind…and the worry for my mother and how she must be feeling.  All of my thoughts lately have been centered around life and death, with three deaths last year and two the year before.  Surely there is more to look forward to when getting older than watching all those close to you die.  I am saying that loosely completely knowing that there are many wonderful, loving and entertainingly beautiful times ahead.

The other thing I have been dealing with, like so many others is the lack of work which in turn seems to make me feel unimportant.  Self-employed creative people, as much as we try, feel empty when others are not paying attention. In my current state I don’t feel needed and as an artist it makes me question my worth.  All I want to do is work, to create, but I am having a tough time getting the jobs.  I have done a ton of bids and nothing, I feel like a number and I want to feel like that person that creates like no other.  We always hear people say that it is in our lowest times that the greatest things happen and I have seen some reflection of that recently.  I have realized how very selfish I am.  I tend to hold on to things, whether they are thoughts, physical items or money knowing I should be more giving of myself.  I see it happening often and I realize that just the “realization” is a step toward change.  Today I actually caught myself, was angry at myself for the act and in that moment of realization I smiled looking into the sky and said “ahh now I see, there is a lesson in all of this, bring it on!”  I have been emotional the past few weeks and have found myself spending time alone dealing as I often do.  Truth is I think there are many more people out there dealing with the same  roller-coaster of emotions.  Trying not to buy into the hype of lack, realizing just to say “I don’t believe it is that bad out there” does nothing, you have to truly believe it.  You have to feel it as truth inside otherwise all you seem to get is more lack.

Then there is my wonder if there is actually someone out there who is reading this?  I have so much to learn about the web and marketing a blog.  How do I get people to find this blog and is there anything I say worthy to anyone else?  I just can’t say…I hear crickets.

Lastly I have been pondering our state of affairs as humans right now and have come to realize there is something that I wish did not exist, that I feel is the root of all evil.  No, it is not money although I use to think it was.  In reality money is nothing until you put meaning to it and we all have a different view of what it is to us based on how we were brought up (which in itself can be pretty messed up).  So what is it you ask, that if removed from our lives would, in my opinion, allow good things to come to us all? “ JUDGMENT! “ As humans we have been individually conditioned by those we grew up around and we make others wrong for everything that is not relevant to how we were raised.  We pass judgment whether it be in relation to color of skin, religion, culture, manners, the way we dress, what we eat or even the way we talk.  Even I am guilty…and I feel strongly that we often never see that the pure act of judgment lessens the love that exist in this world.  Imagine if there were no such thing…just for a moment imagine that judgment did not exist.  I realize that we are all human and as human beings we all have some form of inner judgment not only toward others but also toward ourselves.  It seems to me that if there was no such thing as judgment life would be filled with much more meaning and love which in turn would make us happier.  I have always tried to think of others as individuals not as categories, my mother often said to me as a child…”always put yourself in the other person’s shoes before saying or doing something.”  From that I always try to see things from the other persons perspective before saying or acting upon.  I have often wondered if this is a lack of accountability? If I don’t say or stand up for what I believe does that make me weak?  It is a touchy subject and I believe that we are entitled to have our opinions, choose our own food, religion or political views, look the way we want to look and so on as long as we allow others to do the same without making them wrong and without harming anyone else in the process.  After all isn’t it incredible that we are different, that we have the ability to be different?  How boring would it be if we were all exactly the same.  Individuality is a beautiful thing and if we all would allow each of us to be as we want without judgment maybe the world would be a better place.  Think about it…Religious wars for example, people are dying because they judge or are being judged on their beliefs. I don’t believe my God or Spirit or what ever you want to call it would ever want death to come to someone just because they didn’t believe in him.  That’s my 2 cents….until next time!