Thinking Diva

I have amped up my soul searching efforts lately, perhaps it is because I am older, maybe I am at a crossroads with life vs. happiness. What ever the case I am realizing that there are a lot of unhappy, angry and unhealthy people out there and that saddens me. Are you one of them? What would you say if I asked you this question; “Do you want to live an extraordinary life?” I present that question to myself often and as I grow I find that it is continuously changing.

When I first thought deeply about this question it centered around money because I felt with more money I could be much happier, and live more extraordinarily. In our culture most of us tend to center everything in our lives around money. When in our teens we want money to buy candy or toys and then a car and gas money. When we graduate from high school we need money to go to college because a college education assures we will be more successful which will offer us a higher source of income. When we get out of college we need more money to provide our lives with new opportunities in travel, in buying a home, in buying a new car or perhaps in having a family. It we grow up poor we may not have any of these beliefs it may just be the ability to survive. If we grow up rich, money may have no measure but we might be lacking in other areas due to circumstances money may have created.

While it is true that money allows so much more to happen in our lives I believe being rich does not assure we will live an extraordinary life, in fact it has potential to destroy our chances. The reason our focus shouldn’t be on the money is that ” money” is a material thing not an emotion. Material things create temporary emotion not continuous emotion. How many times have you gone out, splurged on something and a day, week or month later moved on to wanting something else? Having that “thing”  creates excitement at first but the emotion of “having” it gradually fades once you’ve achieved the goal. It is not achieving the goals we create that offer us continuous happiness it is an awareness of positive emotion and the energy in that moment of experience. The emotion of happiness is what allows us to live extraordinarily and it is always centered around the emotion of feeling good. In that moment it creates an internal energy that is high.

Scientific evidence proves that our thoughts are the most powerful energy in creating our actions and shaping our lives. Many kids that are born into poor or troubled families become poor or troubled adults not because of money but because of their choices. They believe internally that it is their destiny because that is what they are taught, their thoughts reflect that and it comes to be. Negative energy is the result of negative thoughts and negative emotions. Negative energy can result in negative choices. That being said there are many positive and empowering stories of people born poor or from troubled families who have changed their course in life through their thinking, Dr. Wayne Dyer is a great example, Louise Hay is another!

It is my belief through my own experiences that what I choose to think guides me into fruition. I want to be happy and in order to “be” that I need to allow my choices to guide me to experiences that create the emotion of happiness? Life experiences do not always support the ability to be in a constant emotion of happiness but I have a choice to allow myself to shift the negative experiences quickly from acceptance to rediscovery. The power of our thoughts is the most powerful life source that exist with in each of us. It is not always easy but it is possible if we push ourselves to stay in a positive state of mind no matter what transpires.

The past few weeks I have worked hard to be in a mindful place, by questioning my thoughts, my emotions and by experiencing these things with a constant awareness. I have paid close attention to my feelings when around others both socially in person and online. While in that space I have started to see  more clearly those people I need to spend less time interacting with versus those I should spend more time with based on the internal feelings I am left with after parting ways. The result is solely negative or positive and I choose positive because I don’t like how my body feels when in the presence of a negative influence. Those negative people are not bad people they have just chosen a mindset either consciously or non consciously based on their own thinking as to what their reality is. I choose to create my own positive mindset no matter how hard or how many people tell me different or try to argue my belief (or believe I am a flake, they are entitled to their opinion). The more I allow positive people around me the better I feel because of the energy they exude. The opposite result will apply if I choose to be around negative people, I know because I spent the first 35+ years of my life in that negative space. While in that place I was sad, depressed, unhealthy, angry, judgmental and most likely not all that fun to be around.

So do you want to live an extraordinary life? Are you willing to let go of negativity in order to become more positive? Start with baby steps, start by being aware of what negative words you or others are using. Start by being aware of how negative experiences and thoughts feel internally. Allow yourself to compare those with positive feelings. Eliminant words like I can’t and I don’t have and speak as if you are and you do. Start realizing the internal feeling you have in every moment you are breathing. If you are sad think about what that feels like and what is causing that feeling. When you are happy, what does that feel like, why? When you are angry, what does that feel like, why? Why are you judging others in a way that makes them wrong? Are you feeling guilty about something, why, what does that feel like? If you allow yourself to sit back and not only feel those emotions but understand why they are occurring and what your body feel like in those moments I believe you can create a new path to happiness. Your happiness lives within you, not out side of you. Your happiness is based on the power of those internal experiences and emotions. You have the choice to choose change through your thinking! It is not always easy and never constant but the more aware you are the easier it gets to stay positive, the faster you can choose to make it happen and the happier you will become.

If you want an extraordinary life you have to start with thinking extroidinary thoughts and that starts by thinking positive. It requires that you, with out a doubt BELIEVE anything is possible. In turn the energy you carry as well as emit will become positive and powerful. You will see positive things happen in your life with out reason, you will meet people who make you feel good and whom inspire you. You will smile more, give more and love deeper. Negative things that others think, say or do will no longer matter because you are developing strength and confidence within.

Thank you for reading and as always I am sending love…pass it on!

Thinking Diva Podcast

Episode 01: January 2013 (TD_001)

This podcast will walk you through the steps to create 5 desires to start your year out right. Every January we try to set goals for the new year. Many times these goals are never met because we set our expectations too high, lose interest, or become overwhelmed and give up. This year rather than create goals lets create desires, dreams or aspirations that we want to happen in our lives.

Listen to this episode


For two days now I have awoken with feelings of sadness, my heart aches for all those children and teachers who died friday in such a senseless manner. Like so many people I believe we are all trying to understand in disbelief why these kinds of things happen. In a world that reflects war, poverty, illness and abuse how do these horrific things keep happening in a country designed around opportunity and freedom?

I studied journalism in college and wanted to be a photo journalist for my first 2 years until I realized that most of what I would be doing was reporting sad stories. Later I received a BS in Art Education but was saddened inside the public school system with the despair within the family life of so many of my students, the heartbreak was too heavy for me. Not wanting to be constantly reminded of the negative part of our culture I opted to be a commercial photographer. I fight constantly to avoid watching the news, I am drawn to knowing what is happening in our world but have realized in my studies of metaphysics and spiritual awareness that too much exposure leads to negative energy and judgement. With all the media coverage on the event in Connecticut we can’t seem to avoid anger and we search for blame that comes with tragedy, it’s all over tv, facebook and twitter. Gun laws will be challenged, people will be criticized and religion will be judged because after all how could GOD allow such a thing to happen. How do we take such negativity and create positive change?

What I say from here forward will be honest yet opinionated. It is only my presumption which I am entitled to as you are to yours. It is not intended to challenge or hurt any one. It is my voice only and comes from my beliefs, experiences and my hope for some sort of understanding of what life is teaching me, I share for the sole purpose of possibly bringing positive awareness though negative experiences.

I believe we are living in a time of mass separation. We are being challenged not by God but by what we as humans have created. We are allowing money, judgement, fear and anger to lead us, to overtake our ability to think clearly. Individually we are not taking accountability for our actions and we are being influenced by tv shows, media and technology not by our own internal soul. We are becoming numb because of overstimulation and operating outside of ourselves not internally where our true humanity lies. We are desensitizing our youth because of what we are allowing them to experience during their developmental and cognitive years. I believe mental illness is a result of this not because people are weak or going crazy but because their minds are being conditioned from all that is available from the outside world way to young not to mention everyone is being medicated.

It is time to set some boundaries and make some changes, if you haven’t read the book “Boundaries” by Cloud/Townsend I recommend you start there, especially as a parent!!! I am not a parent so many will say I am not entitled to an opinion on parenting, I respect that opinion. I have however studied some areas of phycology and sociology and I have always been intrigued by human nature and the power of our minds. I believe through my own personal work that our personalities develop from the experiences we have from birth until around 6-8 years old. We put meaning, both negative and positive to events that happen in those years and generate life time thinking patterns, fears and beliefs based on how we process all of those events. Our parents beliefs also influence how we process things during that time of cognitive development. If we as adults are operating from a sense of numbness based on all the external stimulation (tv,media, religion) then our children are also operating from numbness during the development stage so wouldn’t it make sense that they begin to believe these negative stimuli if they are not told to believe otherwise. Their minds at that age are like a sponge and they are influenced by everything around them. How do we expect young people to process all of these things positively in those early years of cognitive development if we ourselves are operating from a numb state. How vital is it for us to get a handle on our thinking, our judgements and our anger. Our young people are a product of what is available to them and they will grow up to be that which influences them in those younger years. Now, more than ever we as humans need to get a handle on things and realize if it looks negative or sounds negative it is and that creates negative thinking, negative events and negative energy. If a persons enjoyment is watching people being gunned down, infidelity and anger driven drama on tv or if that exist in the home on a regular basis I can assume there is a lot of emotional unhappiness because of the negativity that person is operating from within. Not because they are bad people but because negativity attracts negativity.

Personally I want to live my life feeling happy, everyday, as much as I possibly can because I want to feel good. So I ask you as an individual what is the one thing that makes you feel good no matter what? I preach this so much I am sure most people out there think I’m a hopeless romantic hippie but we all know down deep inside LOVE is the only true emotion that when felt can bring an overall happiness that resonates in not only our minds but in our hearts. I believe it is the most powerful emotion available to us but with judgment, dishonesty and anger, love can not exist, it can not resonate because there in no negativity in the feeling of love. It’s free, it is available and it heals. It will be what gets those families in CT through their losses, it is what gets us through tough times and it is in my opinion the only way we can ever get a handle on what is happening in our world. Love what you do, love who you are and love who your with, three simple things that you have power over. When we live from happiness we create that around us because others see that and want it too. I realize that these things can’t change all of our worldly problems but change happens slowly in life. If we all stop looking at everyone else and start with ourselves working on clearing our minds and operating from a clear loving mindset I believe miracles will happen.

All I want is for you, if you have read this far to consider doing this…

-watch tv less and sit in silence more to see what thoughts appear in your mind

-think about what you can do within your self to make you and only you feel better, to be a better person or be happier with your life

-be grateful for the wonderful things you have and stop wishing you had more

-do something nice for someone else just for the sake of being nice

-treat yourself good because you deserve it

-stop hanging out with negative people, if you are that negative person realize you are, forgive yourself, make positive changes to change that part of you and discover how awesome that feels

-communicate with others openly and honestly about how things make you feel, with out judgment and with delicacy, not making them wrong but merely letting them know if something is hurtful to you

lastly and most importantly tell the ones you love that you love them, say it out loud and be sure they hear you because we never know when it might be our last time with those loved ones. Never, ever take that for granted!

Sending love…pass it on!

It has been an interesting few weeks of lessons and self discovery. It is strange how when you use your mind to focus on things in a positive way your world begins to change in a positive way. That being said it sometimes produces negative results because those are the things that need to be eliminated in order to move forward. Over the course of my life I have trusted people deeply and over time I have experienced deep disappointment, humility and hurt by trusting so much. I am unsure why I am this way but I assume I want to see the good in others so badly that I sometimes fail to see the bad because I don’t want to believe it may exist.

We all, at times may create small white lie’s, but there is a big difference between a small one and a big one. A small one, even though we shouldn’t do it would never hurt anyone else. Perhaps you hold back telling what you ate while on a diet or you didn’t mention you were upset about something when you were. When you lie to someone for what ever reason you have to carry the consequences within yourself. If you get away with the lie you may feel good for a bit but you are still carrying the weight of that lie no matter what, when you get caught you not only carry the weight but the guilt. I believe even the best liars who seem to have no remorse are carrying some form of consequence because it is such a negative form of energy.

Recently I was lied to in a way that is inexcusable. The details are not important but the lesson I received from it is. There are times in all of us that we question someones word. I have found that my negative lifetime experiences have in some way resulted in a fear of trusting my own gut when something just isn’t right. My fear is “what if I am unfairly making a judgment based on my past experiences rather than on the situation at hand”. So many times that thought has over ruled the terrible feeling in my gut and most every time I have found later that the feeling was unfortunately correct. This recent experience had me feeling uncomfortable in my gut for days, I questioned every aspect of the situation, and my reasoning. I became so uncomfortable that I physically began feeling sick so I prayed for some sign to help ease my mind. At that point I didn’t care as much about the situation at hand but I needed some internal proof I was not loosing my mind because the feeling inside me was so uncomfortable it made my chest hurt and I felt sick to my stomach. As Dr. Wayne Dyer says…ask and you are given! Slowly but surely the signs came and by the time they were all in front of me I realized the person who was in question had become someone I did not know at all. The feeling was sickening, disappointing and hurtful. What I realized was that the feeling in my gut that made me feel sick was the true sign and for the first time in my life I took action on that feeling rather than allowing the situation to pass.

Unfortunately we never know fully if the people we surround ourselves with are being honest, we choose our friends, lovers and acquaintances based on common ground and from there get to decide where those relationships go based on our time spent with them. As human beings this is really the best we can do because it is not our job to judge or control others actions. Being honest with ourselves in the end is the best choice for deciding those we choose to have around us. Real honesty starts with trusting what we have inside of us. It is not just self love but it is allowing our mindless chatter to not overcome what our internal gut feeling is telling us. Sometimes it takes being quiet and listening to what comes up. If there is a bad feeling that won’t go away then chances are something is not right. If there is any uncomfort while with someone the best you can do is be patient, focus on why that feeling exist and share in a kind way what ever that discomfort is without passing judgement. Being open in that situation, asking the person at hand to be honest with out accusation or blame is where you start. Where it ends will be determined on how well you listen, what circumstances play out and how your confrontation makes that person feel. Asking for a little help from your higher power doesn’t hurt. In the end the situation may be painful but when we allow ourselves to be around dishonest people we allow ourself to be vulnerable to ongoing hurt. I believe that most people who are dishonest have a lot of drama in their lives because the energy it takes to continue down that path tends to leave a trail of bad emotions and sadness along the way. Leaving the situation is painful at first but when we surround ourselves with positive, honest people that is what we attract and we are happier as a result. Happiness does not lend itself to lies only to truth and there is no justification for a lie.

In the end I have to admit I am sure there will be times in my life I will have to experience disappointment in others truthfulness. I choose to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, to not allow anger to fill that disappointment and to move forward. I will not stop allowing my self to see the good in others but I will be more aware of what my gut is saying along the way. My goal in life it to be happy and this is just one more baby step to continuing on that path.

Thank you for reading, sending love….pass it on.

I  have spent the past year ready to date, I have tried different avenues and I have to say I have found my journey so far pretty interesting. I have learned more about my self than I ever imagined because I thought dating was about others. I have seen many of my friends go through breakups, people I thought were truly meant to be together and it has shifted some of my belief in the reality of what we see in others versus truth. I have had deep conversations with both men and women about the process of dating, the kinds of dates out there and the journey to find what we are looking for in our search for love. I wanted to share with you all what I am discovering and my hope is that you will contact me with your own insight after reading.

The first thing I want to say is I am learning. I am learning about the human condition, the desire to want and to be wanted, to love and to be loved, to trust and to be trusted. I believe over time as we age we become very set in our ways based on our life styles, our desires and our choices. I had an interesting conversation with someone recently who seems to have more confidence in himself than anyone I have ever met. He appears to have no fears of dating or with relationships. He spoke confidently about how easy it was to gain any woman’s interest and admitted to cheating on past lovers. He seems to always have beautiful women at his beaconing but when I look at him I see something missing, I don’t see him being truly happy. In my opinion he appears to act the part of being a “stud” but appears to fear getting too close to anyone. I have to ask you men out there is having any woman your desire really that great, do you not hope for more, is it fulfilling to just sleep around if there is no deep connection? I am sure there are women that should also be asked that question. Upon digging deeper I discovered that with my friends lifestyle of playing the field he had never actually experienced the heartbreak of someone cheating on him and no one had ever broke up with him. He was always in control in every relationship he had been in. In my own journey I have been cheated on by almost every man I have ever dated and here before me was one of those guys, yet he had never been cheated on. Could it be that those who cheat have no idea of the pain they cause those whom they cheat on? I tried to image how it would feel to have never experienced what that act of betrayal feels like, how would I be different, my mindset, my actions, my choices.

I pondered that for weeks and wondered is that perhaps the way a player gets labeled? We all seem to have a different definition of what a “player” is. In my world a player is someone who leads someone into believing they are “the only one” while dating (or sleeping with) multiple people at the same time. They are truly playing the field with no desire to be in a committed relationship. Is a player a bad person, I don’t believe that is the case, I believe they are that way because they fear something when it comes to relationships. Can a player be honest? I think they can be honest in saying they are not looking for commitment but somewhere down the line they are being dishonest if they are not telling the truth with who they are spending their time with or where they are spending their time. The worst part of their dishonesty is that they are not allowing themselves to be loved or to love and that is, in my opinion what we as humans are supposed to experience. I won’t label this a man or woman thing because I am finding through my guy friends that there seem to be just as many women players as men.

I have talked to men about the women out there and there are a lot of women who say they want desperately to be in a relationship but are playing the same games as the men. Partying every night and serial dating in men and women will not find you anything other than that. Trying to find the right mix is hard but you have to know what you want before you can start finding what you want. Making changes that are not always comfortable but sometimes they create the greatest treasures.

The biggest common thread in all my discussions of dating were that on the topic of cheating. So why do people feel the need to cheat? Yes this still applies to the dating scenario early on because you have to trust that date as you are getting to know them or you are never going to feel fulfilled in a relationship with that person. After talking to so many people who have experienced being cheated on I started to think about what our society is putting out there in regards to morals. In my opinion cheating and lying go hand in hand, it is not only a moral thing but a selfish thing and that is where integrity comes into play. My mom always told me treat others how you would want them to treat you. That has always stuck in my mind and it is how I have learned to live with integrity. I admit I am no angel, I have slipped outside the realms of integrity and honesty in my past but I can say in the last 3 years I have worked very hard to become a person I love, living with honesty and integrity frees up my insides so that I can deal more clearly with what is happening on the outside. It truly feels good to be in that space! I recently visited Jason Aldean’s FB page after those pictures were put out there of him kissing all over a woman in a bar. I was amazed that most of the remarks were forgiving him because “we all make mistakes”. I think our society is starting to believe that and with that train of thought we are doomed with ever having true devotion and trust with someone, with fully giving our hearts or with love. True, we all do make mistakes but we shouldn’t just brush it under the rug and move on. An apology is not change, changing our behavior, understanding what truth is and how it feels to live with that is change. Treating others the way we want to be treated is key. I am sure Jason would’t feel so good if his wife had been caught in the same situation. What has happened to our morals, to our desire to be honest loving people. I hate watching tv any more because everything out there is about cheating, dishonesty and anger. My friend Amy Venezia had a great post on flirting recently that also shows how our morals are changing referring to “the grass is greener on the other side…”.

So our past, especially our childhood sets up the path to the people we become, the struggles we deal with and the places where change needs to take place in most cases. Being aware is the first step. It dawned on me that I may be dating those “not so truthful” kind of guys because I am not being truthful with myself about my own commitment issues. I was taught very early on in my life through people close to me that trust, commitment and love hurt. It was played out over and over and as I grew older I wouldn’t allow myself to give my heart fully to anyone because I always feared it would be hurt. The problem is, giving a little of your heart still hurts when someone betray’s you. Most times I would feel as if I was in control, stay in a relationship knowing it was wrong, the signs were there but I always questioned my own judgement more than the actions of the person betraying me. Over and over again I attracted the same kinds of men, gave just enough to be hurt and experienced the same pattern. I believe they were good people but not good “FOR” me. Last week I had that aha moment when I caught myself making sharp, sourcastic remarks about my lack of belief in marriage and the idea that all men were the same. I was laying in bed and started feeling really embarrassed with what I had said, I felt the energy when those words left my mouth and those around me had nothing to add. I realized they did not feel the same and I was coming off as one of those wounded, angry broken hearted people. Well folks if the shoe fits you will wear it! I began digging deeper and realized how perfect “players or bad boys” are for me, they don’t want commitment for their own reasons so they do what they do. I date them because I fear anyone who shows me too much attention, who isn’t a challenge or who might make me commit. That “game” of keeping them interested knowing they won’t commit is no different than them keeping me interested yet wanting to be with others because nothing is holding their interest fully. Wow, in that moment I realized what a turd I was being, how can I find a good relationship with out realizing my commitment issues. I definitely won’t attract that into my life. Yes I truly believe we attract, weather consciously or unconsciously what we are putting out there and folks my banter was creating exactly what I was supposed to have!

So with my dating experience so far I have discovered woman are just as scared of commitment as men often seem to be. People cheat because they are not whole inside and until they discover and repair what lies on the inside they will not be able to find or make healthy choices on the outside. We all need to feel a spark, it may not always be the personality, it might just not be the right energy. There has to be intrigue, compatibility or something that creates chemistry. Just because someone is hot as hell doesn’t mean it will make for great chemistry, it might in the beginning but that will go away quickly once time factors in. We are all searching for something but we have to be in tune with our hearts, with our emotions and with our choices to figure out what we really want. Life is a lesson and dating is a huge part of finding one of the many links to wholeness. As I said earlier, I am learning. Just because I have had some aha moments does’t mean my choices will change right away or that I will attract the right one for me right away. I still have work to do, I have to start by changing my vocabulary. My negative banter is a defense mechanism because I don’t want to be hurt. It is tough talk yet I am as fragile as a baby on the inside. I will start right now by admitting out loud that I do want to find love, I want to be in a relationship and I am not apposed to marriage. BUT I want it to be healthy, I want to be aware of what I am offering, not just expecting the other person to give me what I want. I want to be the best person I can be for that person who will someday be in my life. I know relationships can become work but communication is key. I want to be sure they are deserving of me, that they believe in honesty and they live with integrity. I know that in a relationship each person has to give and take. They should be proud of who they are with, comfortable being themselves around each other and share not only what they want with their partner but also their fears. The person I am with has to love himself first or I can’t expect him to be able to love me. I had to discover that in myself and I get it. We all have the ability to attract a mate whom we desire we just have to believe we do and that we can! I have my list of what I am looking for, I know what I want I have to remind myself to not settle and to keep my emotions in line with my gut. I know my awareness has to help me in the future as long as I continue to love myself. I may get my heart broken again but at least Im willing to open my heart up enough to feel love and that is part of being alive.

We have all worn different hat’s in life, some were just a phase we were going through others were our true style. I am creating a hat that fits perfectly for me as I head into the next 40+ years, this time with a better understanding of how I tick and what it feels like to operate with internal love for myself first. My goal is to be the absolute best I can be, for myself and toward others with integrity yet without judgement.

Thank you for reading, I hope to hear from you. Sending love….pass it on!

I’ve been struggling all summer with so many internal thoughts about my life, where I am and where I have been. I mentioned in my last post about the struggle, the boredom and that in my past, every 10 years or so when I felt this way I would pack up and move, start over and re-invent who I am. This time around I am content with where I live and no longer feel the desire to pack and move, I love Nashville. A few weekends back, as I did my early morning ritual, scroll through FB and twitter feeds I noticed a friend’s post:

“I’m interested to see who reads my post. I realize that’ s about 5 of you… So if you read this, leave me a one word comment about your day. Only one word please. Then copy this to your wall so I can leave a word for you!

For what ever reason, in that moment I thought…what single word might express how I feel right here right now. In that moment an avalanche of words came rushing through my mind. Words of how I felt, words of how I wanted to feel, words of what I wanted and didn’t want scrambled through my mind! It was then I realized, with my current struggle, I have been slowly isolating myself from the world. I’ve turned down every lake day, most every pool day and every thing in between. I’ve always had a good reason, in my own mind to pass on these things, the need to work on the house, grade papers, edit images…or the one that I use most, I don’t want to spend money on fun because times are tough. Honestly I wasn’t totally aware of what I was doing, I had my self believing my reasons and as the time passed I became more and more isolated from the world. My only interaction seemed to be FB and that left me feeling empty. So on that Saturday I started my pondering of meaningful words which of course become thoughts of all kinds.

It became one of those lonely, cry all day, feel sorry for myself weekends. I reflected on my family, how much I miss them, how we are all getting old and our time is limited. I cried.

I watched a sappy love story on tv and was reminded of my past decisions, where I am and that, I have to admit, I am a bit lonely, not unhappy but I do miss having a companion I can laugh with, share with and be intimate with. I cried.

I thought about my wonderful friends, about how I was disappointed that no one ever checks in much anymore, no calls or text. Then I thought, how can I expect them to stick around if I continue to close them off…I cried.

I thought about Dina, Victoria, Todd, Rusty, Mozi, Elwin and Grannie…those so close to me that I have lost in such a short time and how much I miss them. I cried.

I thought about my frustration with my ever changing career, my lack of feeling I am doing anything in my life that feels worthy and my fear of what can I do? I cried.

I watched a show about millionaire’s who secretly go to non-profits as undercover volunteers. They share stories, learn about those people they are helping and those running the cause who give their lives to others unselfishly. Then after getting close to these people they tell them they are donating large amounts of money to the cause because of how much they have learned, tears always fall on the show….and I cried.

As Sunday morning rolled around I watched my tv church episode and as always cried because of what I believe to be true and that God is with me.

Sometimes I find solace in being home especially the weekends, sitting in silence just listening to the sounds outside knowing everyone else is out being social. That strange loneliness mixed with a uncomfort knowing there is no one special in my life other than friends and family. It often is in those moments I find the most clarity, the most confusion and the most in-depth feeling of existence.

As my weekend of self reflection ended, Monday I went back into auto pilot and began the week. I had the realization Monday morning that I could not use a single word to express where I am right here right now. Love and Gratitude were the first of many that surfaced. I always start in GRATITUDE. I am grateful for all that is, good and bad because it is in that emotion especially over that weekend within my sadness that I realize it has to happen to feel something. I may be different from most in that when I am lonely I tend to make myself lonelier because I withdraw, I have to because it is the only way I know how to get quiet. I have to be grateful, I have to reflect, to hurt and cry. Those things always remind me that I am feeling and I am living. I am being touched by what I am experiencing. I am becoming wise to the secrets that life holds. I am finding out what moves me most and perhaps in time those triggers that make me cry the most hold the secret to where I am headed and what my life purpose is to be. With that I always end at LOVE.

I am living and though it may be in silence from the rest of the world sometimes, I know when it is time, after a few good cries, and some internal realization I will resurface and become social as I always do. With every single step no matter how easy or hard those steps come I continue to begin EACH next chapter of life while I have the breath in my lungs to do what I am here to do. Patience, stillness, gratitude and love must be my friends because that is what is guiding me to a new place. No packing bags at this point in my life, at least for now. I choose to reflect on the baggage I carried, grow, learn and know I can for once re-invent myself while all my friends watch with my feet planted here in Nashville for another 10 years! What words can you come up with to express how you feel right now? Think about it…maybe you will have a weekend like I did and on Monday awake with a huge smile!

Sending love…pass it on!

It has been some time since I have written here at Thinking Diva. For what ever reason I have been in a bit of a funk and working toward trying to get my good energy and attitude back. I have been writing but not posting because I started this blog to share and motivate through being positive. I didn’t want to come off here as being negative even though I realize we all have times when we feel down. That being said most of my struggle’s have been based on life as a whole, not on one particular thing. Maybe I have been having a mid-life crisis! Lately my thoughts are centered around a reoccurring feeling of emptiness, a feeling of lack with everything that has had me wondering how I can get that excitement of life back. Perhaps the experience of loss (all the beautiful friends and family I have lost over the past few years) has created a shift in me that makes me question “Why am I Here?”  It seems that all the things I used to live by no longer have any viability to me. This is not the first time in my life that question has surfaced but it feels a bit different this time around because of my age, my accomplishments and where I am in life.

I AM full of gratitude! I have been very blessed with a wonderful family who I love so much and miss because of the miles I chose to put between us. I have the most wonderful and loving friends you could ask for. I have lived a life doing what I love through a career of creativity. I am content with my “SELF”, I have learned how to maintain self love and my struggle with spirituality has ended so I feel fulfilled. I have no debt, I have a roof over my head, I take care of myself and I am healthy so honestly I have no reason to feel so lost. I feel guilty for my thoughts of “lack” but as we humans often do I sometimes allow regret to surface in what I haven’t had or done. For what ever reason most of my life has been driven by career goals and solely involved only me. I worked hard and did what ever I needed to do, sacrificed what needed to be sacrifice to achieve what I though success was because I truly believed that was what made me happy. Overall I have been a happy person but those things now seem pointless. The things that sadden me in my life right now all center around my lack of personal goals involving others. I will always feel I missed out on the experience of having a child and being a mom. I have excepted it but that awareness does sometimes creep up on me. I have positioned myself in life to be alone, far from family, no responsibilities, no obligations and content with not being in a relationship right now. I wish I had been more mature in my past relationships, I never experienced a healthy-mature relationship in my past because I was not healthy and mature enough to know otherwise. I take full responsibility for my choices, I hold no anger of blame towards anyone and fortunately I know I will do better in this second phase of my life when I am ready to take that step.

As I sit here pondering wether I should even post this I am unsure that these words really have anything you will benefit from. Maybe I am reaching out to you this time hoping for some answers I can’t seem to find, maybe some clarity. My biggest “empty” feeling right now is that I am tired of living my life for just me, it feels so wasteful, it doesn’t have any importance outside of myself and that has come to bother me most. Living the way I have doesn’t feel fulfilling, I don’t feel I am offering myself outwardly in a purposeful way. Is this making any sense? Maybe this is my “story”(we all have one), my need for attention, maybe this is “all about me,” perhaps I am craving validation of feeling like someone or something needs me. Am I just feeling sorry for myself wollering in self pity? Goodness, is that a form of self, co-dependency? I had the realization yesterday that I am probably more than half way through my life. If I died tomorrow I believe I would be ok with what I have accomplished but with the time I have left I want so much more and I don’t want it to center around “just me”. It is not that I am unhappy but there is something really missing and I can’t put my finger on it. I am bored, I feel unchallenged and even worse I have no direction, I am going through the motions of what needs to be done and that is it. It’s like the wind in my sail has left and I am stranded in a vast sea of possibility, paralyzed.

So this is where I stop and go within, I get quiet, I pray, like so many times before but this time I realize….I am really stuck. It’s where I reach out to you and ask what do you think? Is this something we go through and question when we are in our 40′s? Do we all secretly share this and if so what do you all do to create new beginnings? Looking back on my life I see a bit of a pattern here, it seems every 10 years or so when I get bored with my life I pack up and move hundreds of miles to somewhere new to start over, to re-invent and to become excited again. It has worked every single time in my past but this time is different, for once I am really happy with where I live and with my friends. So what now, I can’t run, I don’t want to move….(although there is something intriguing with Santa Fe, Costa Rica or Europe…)

I am reaching out to those of you who were willing to read this far for insight, please share with me, I need a little kick in the ass right about now! Still sending love…but man I could sure use some love right about now (of course there is always moose tracks)!

It is amazing how your heart can actually hurt in your chest when you are missing someone. This weekend I feel like I am living with the ghost of my past and I am trying to figure out the message all of this sadness is supposed to be teaching me. The loss of three extremely important people over the last several years, two just last year, has taught me a lot about life, it has reminded me to be grateful for the time shared, for the wonderful memories, for what I have now and to be sure to tell those I love that I LOVE them every chance I get. So why is it I continue to grieve sometimes many years later, why do I still feel so lonely and hurt so deep?

I am beginning to feel like grieving is triggered by difficult things that I am dealing with while living out my life. The memories of those who have left us is a reminder to smile because of our time spent with them but the deep void of not having them here can make us feel extremely lonely. These three musketeers are killing me this weekend. One was a best friend from my past life, one was the love of my life and the other a recent best friend. People I shared my deepest feelings with because the trust was so strong I never felt vulnerable. Perhaps I am feeling lonely right now because I don’t have anyone in my life I feel as close to as I did with them.

It takes time, love and compassion to gain complete trust in a best friend. It also takes knowing that in a moment that person would drop everything to be there for you if you needed them to be. Knowing that they would alway be the first to answer or return a call or text because they loved you. The kind of best friend you can tell anything too, who knows when something is bothering you without you saying a word. The kind of friend who can be brutally honest with you and you understand their honesty is to help you because you know they care so much. This is different than family because you share selectively with family. I’m not saying that I don’t have wonderful close friends here for me now because I do but I feel a void in that I don’t have that one person who I feel that complete trust with and that is where the sadness and loneliness is coming from. I’m sure a big part of that is also missing them, not being able to hear their voice or having the ability to just hug them.

This weekend I got a phone call from Wes, the boyfriend of 16 years to my best friend “Victoria”from my past life in Florida, she passed away last summer. I knew in time he and I would talk, I wanted it to happen, looked forward to it but dreaded it at the same time. For those of you who know me well you know that my past is littered with bad decisions, that I was in a verbally abusive relationship that was becoming physical and that I left that all behind in the dark of night leaving no trace of where I had gone to many. It was an extremely difficult decision and sadly it did not only effect me but others that I cared deeply about, Victoria was one. When I left I was sure I shared with her the details of what was going on in my life, she was upset with me because we were not only friends but shared a commercial space so my decision to leave changed her life as well. Our relationship during my time of preparation was tarnished and it hurt me deeply, I couldn’t figure out why my best friend didn’t understand my decision for the sake of my well being. On Saturday my conversation with Wes brought much more light to the situation than I had known, I now realize that I was so ingulfed in my world during that time, exhausted from the drama, embarrassed by the situation and with drawn on so may levels that I never clearly shared with her like a good friend does in detail what my reasons were for leaving. I failed in that regard and finding out now, knowing how confused she was with my decision and how badly I hurt her is an eye opener, especially because she is gone and I can’t have that conversation with her now. Two years ago when I found out she had to have a triple bi-pass I let go of my ego and called her to tell her I loved her and I was sorry for anything I had done in the past that had hurt her, I told her that I missed our friendship and I hoped she would forgive me. She did and today I am extremely grateful I made that call. I was not aware of the details I discovered yesterday when I made that call two years ago but I feel better knowing she forgave me especially hearing Wes say she was happy and relieved after my call.

We learn so much about ourselves in time after decisions and actions are made. Strange how we all preceive things differently, it reminds me how our view of the world is all so different. I find comfort with who I have become since starting my life over ten years ago, I am a very different person than I was back then. I think Victoria would have loved me more for the person I am today. Dina and Todd knew me as my new self, I have no regrets with them because I was able to share myself in a more muture state, openly and with complete honesty. I hope that even though I told them how much I loved them when they were alive, my actions convinced them of their importance in my life.

God sure has a way of stirring it all up sometimes, in the end I guess it only makes us better if we are feeling it, processing it and being grateful for the lesson no matter how much it hurts. The past few years have me thinking about heaven a lot. There is a curiosity there that keeps me enguaged and has taken the fear out of death, not only for myself but for those I love. It is humorous to me the vision I now have created in my own mind of those three different personalities, those three musketeers looking down on me, having all the answers now and smiling while enjoying the view. It is comforting believing that we will all eventually be together in the end enjoying that view when it is our time to go!

In closing I hope that my sharing might remind us all to be more honest with ourselves and others while we have the chance. We don’t always see things the same and we have to realize that conflict often is from mis-communication not necessarily anger, anger is more the result of ego. We also have to learn to let go of the past, forgive not only others but ourselves and allow the goodness that comes with surrendering to take over our emotions. Sending love to all of you, pass it on…

I awoke from a dream the other morning in a panic. I had dreamed that I was invited to a Christmas party, everyone there was dressed up with dates including all my ex boyfriends and I was the only one who showed up alone. In the dream I left and started calling all of the hot guys I knew trying to find one to meet me so I didn’t feel so alone but no one could come. In that moment I awoke and I had a sickening feeling in the bottom of my stomach, I was sad, embarrassed and lonely all in that instant. It was as if I was a character in one of those cheesy love stories I have enjoyed watching most of my life, you know the ones…

-the woman who is always with the cheater

-the woman who gets dumped for a prettier or younger woman

-the woman who works too much so no one is interested

-the woman who is too shy, geeky or different and no one wants her

-the woman who’s friends and family say she needs to be married but she cant find a good man

During the holidays when we don’t have family around, friends available and/or we lack a partner to share our time with we may feel lonelier than normal. We have all been in a lonely place at some point in our lives, male or female and often we allow our thoughts to reflect negatively towards ourselves in those times of loneliness. As humans we all want to have a partner to share our love with and when that is not in our lives we sometimes feel inadequate.

I believe that women are generally more sensitive and often more insecure than most men. We tend to treat ourselves terrible with negative self-talk and often that shows outwardly as insecurity especially when we are single. There are a lot of single gals here in Nashville and based on the conversations I have had over the years many of them feel like damaged goods. They can’t figure out why they can’t find a guy or why they always get the guys who are not so perfect for them. There are a lot of women who have never been married and feel they are missing out on something. Some who wanted children yet never quite found the guy that was right for that path. I have come to learn through conversations with my guy friends that women are not always alone in these feelings. As humans we judge ourselves much harder than others and often give off that energy of insecurity. We take our negative experiences with past partners, hold on to the hurt and eventually believe that all partners will be this way. Sometimes these uncomfortable internal feelings can make us treat others in a negative way because of our fear of being hurt. Wether we are hurting others or being hurt the cost of carrying that around is negative and will continue to have negative consequences with our happiness if we don’t learn how to let go of the negativity and change the pattern.

I believe that we attract the energy we are offering in life depending on where we are in our thinking at any given time. It may sound silly but I believe if we can learn to accept ourselves, do a little work to get and keep our mindset in a positive state we will have healthier people come into our lives. This is true with not only companionship but with all relationships. If we allow things to happen keeping a positive outlook rather than passing judgement and allowing our past experiences to resurface we will attract better experiences into our lives. The amount of power we have over our thoughts allows us to change the reoccurring negative things along our life path. I know this is true because I have met people in my life who are always genuinely happy and positive and their lives seem to continue to stay on a positive path because of their attitude not because they are lucky!

These day’s the most important thought I have when facing new opportunities is “am I happy, will this make me happy or is this a positive path that will allow me to feel good”. By allowing these thoughts to occur when facing something I am unsure of I offer myself the opportunity of awareness, not repeat behavior. When I am feeling good and make others feel good it makes me feel even better about myself. I am not saying that I always take the right path but by reminding myself of what is important and being aware of those things as they are happening I feel I am making better choices. No more auto pilot…auto pilot gives me the quickest result not the most beautiful route!

I am sure that this dream signifies something in my own life that I need to look deeper into but I am unsure what exactly that might be. I have gone a year being single and enjoying the fun that it brings. I really have not cared wether I had a date or not because I have enjoyed my time of discovery with in myself and the fun flirting can be with men I have an interest in. I was not consciously making an effort to BE single I just haven’t felt a need or desire to put the effort into anyone. I spent the year looking within my self, doing what I wanted for ME, finding fun things to do and surrounding myself with people who make me happy. I buried myself in charity work, in personal work, in art and learning how to be spiritual alone-just me and my higher power. I revisited my past decisions, forgave the other person, considered the lessons learned, accepted I had a choice in those situations, forgave myself and let go. Some of those past experiences were tough and have continued to re-surface but I am making progress. Allowing myself to forgive, take accountability and letting go sometimes requires revisiting, reworking and redirecting how to take the negative and fill it with something positive. We are human and because of our egos some issues at hand are more difficult to overcome. If we are holding on to anger because someone did something that truly was wrong and unkind we think we feel better playing the victim but carrying that weight will have some negative affect on any relationship moving forward. We will feel complete and eventually happier if we  allow ourselves to feel the hurt, be humble, forgive and let go.

It’s funny after I awoke from that strange dream feeling sad, in the next minute I started laughing because in every one of those silly movies the woman always finds true love. I know I will find it when I am ready and when I do it will be better than any love I have had in the past because with every day that passes I am becoming a better person. With that I know I will attract a healthy, loving and beautiful person into my life! While I am on this journey I am reminded daily of how wonderful love is even if it excludes a partner. Love is always available, I have beautiful loving friends and a loving family so I am not lacking by any means.

If you are out there questioning your worth, feeling insecure and thinking you are not worthy of love remember we are ALL worthy, we are all human and we all sometimes need to take a closer look at how we are treating ourselves. If you are feeling alone because you do not have a partner stop and believe that finding that person can be just as fun as having them. In that moment if you can accept and believe you are a wonderful and loving person deserving of love, and I promise you are, you will be that much closer to finding a loving partner because it has to start on the inside first! Love yourself and watch what shows up all around you! Wishing you all a happy holiday and as always sending love…pass it on!

Who am I?  This is a question I have been asking myself since I was a little girl and not once have I ever truly been able to say who I am, maybe because it always ends up being what I am. Is there a difference between what we are and who we are, I think so. Often when I think I have defined myself I insert those thoughts of what I think others might add and at that moment I become something else.

The person I am today is a very different person from who I was ten years ago. Although I don’t care too much for that earlier person the core of who I am was always there. Back then I was too caught up in the outside world, always worried about what others thought of me and I often acted for the sake of appearing to be what others wanted. I was judgmental, materialistic, insecure, irritated, unhappy and I complained a lot. I did not love who I was and I couldn’t be happy with that lack of self love in my life. It took my life falling apart, my choosing a new direction and making many, many mistakes to change that insecure lonely person. Most importantly it took losing many loved ones, learning gratitude and making a conscious effort to forgive, forget and let go of my past.

I listened to a Sunday service this morning online titled “The Secret of Life” and it opened my eyes to something about myself I didn’t even know. Every time I catch myself thinking about wanting to change things on the outside and choose to work on changing things within myself first…I evolve. I believe we are constantly evolving based on our choices in life and our attitude to how we handle those choices. If we can say with out any hesitation who we are we no longer have something to work towards and time will not allow that to happen.

If I say who I am the truth is it will be my own vision of me, others around me may have a different vision of who they think I actually am. Pondering this makes me want to reach out and have all of you who know me share who you believe me to be. If I have to say it myself I would say this:

I am a woman who believes that kindness and love towards others AND myself makes me a better person. I am sincere, honest, hopeful, weird, geeky at times, goofy, creative, inspired by positivity, open minded, intuitive, inquisitive, sometimes lazy, always laid back, and I care deeply about those in my life. Sometimes I can be insecure about how I look, about how I sometimes act and about what I create. I am uncomfortable in crowds and in front of people especially speaking or singing. I believe I can be inspiring, that I have something to say, that the more I say out loud with passion the better I get at sharing and the better I feel.

So if this is what I believe to be “Who I  Am” or perhaps “What I Am” what does it say about where my life is headed? I think that we all want something, we are all striving towards something in life but with all that we have going on the busyness sometimes shields the truth of what we see. Ok so this is getting a bit deep but what if what we are inside is somehow related to what we have around us. If we lack integrity are the people we hang out with lacking integrity too. Do you notice that when groups of girls or guys hang out they seem to dress alike, to act alike, to be interested in the same things? Well perhaps if we want something different we need to consider that what we do mirror’s what we get, or what we experience. If this is so then consider the possibilities we have within our grasp.

Right now I want to start thinking from a different place. In previous post I have spoke about wanting and needing change because I feel bored. I think it might be time for me to go with in and rather than asking who am I and what do I want perhaps I need to start deciding who I want to be. If I begin to model the new me I believe that new stuff I want will follow close behind. I am excited about the possibilities because they are what ever I want them to be. I look forward to this new way of thinking and what will become on the outside from what I first become on the inside.

I now believe that what I become with in my own heart eventually becomes all that is around me. Rather than me wanting something outside of myself first I will work on what I want within me and I will begin to see that is all that surrounds me. We have to become an example of anything we want in our lives before it can come to be what is in our lives. I know that if I want to get more I need to do more, if I want to be loved I need to love more, if I want great people in my life I have to be a great person to be around, I believe I get out of life what I put into it…I choose to think independently, to work with passion, to strive to be happy everyday, to be kind, to see without judgement, to inspire others when I can, I love blindly and love everyone. I do these things because I know that I feel better and I am becoming a better person by living this way. In time the world around me will mirror these things. The world isn’t waiting for me to catch up, time is marching by and I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what I am confronted with in life. These things are helping me to evolve into a life I love.

In closing I ask you to take some time and contemplate these questions for yourself, “Who am I? What Am I? and Who Do I Want To Be”? I am here ready to listen if you want to share but my hope is that you will become as excited as I am right now about how much possibility is within your very own grasp.  Lets evolve by taking the first step together. Sending love to you all…..