Thinking Diva

I have been celebrating my birthday for almost a week, it is something I started on my 40th birthday a few years back. I acknowledge my age with a yearly house party where a generous number of friends from all walks of life join me to a night of fun. I have been told that my friend base is as eclectic as the decor throughout my house and I absolutely love embracing all kinds of personalities, it allows me to grow, to learn and be who I am- different! This year it was tough for me to muster up excitement, I was in a funk and not sure why. Maybe it was that I recently went through a break up, or that I have not had a significant other for the past 3 birthdays, or that I am starting to see my age and hate seeing the physical changes with the loss of my vanity. Whatever the case, from the party over the past weekend to my actual birthday yesterday, I just wanted it to pass so I could put it behind me. 

I awoke yesterday (my birthday-day) thinking I would feel extremely lonely with my family being so far away and with out any plans of a private celebration. To my pleasant surprise when I checked my email I was confronted with hundreds of Facebook birthday wishes. By the end of the day I counted some 226 wishes from people I knew and some I didn’t. It reminded me that we live in a very different place these days and I was extremely humbled that so many people would take the time to acknowledge me over the course of a day. I replied to every single FB wish because I wanted each person to know how much their simple wish meant to me. You would think with that number of birthday wishes I would be happy for the day but I was extremely hurt and disappointed  over the one “wish” that I did not receive. I checked my email and my phone at 11:49 PM and faced the reality that it was not going to happen. Earlier in the evening, I brought attention to my disappointment with a few girlfriends who seemed surprised that I would even expect anything due to the apparent circumstances of the relationship. I went to bed feeling a little sad and confused.

My mom called this morning and I mentioned my disappointment to her, she too was surprised in me but as mom always does she offered her wisdom in a way that resonated. She said that she knew no matter what I went through the goodness in me would always remember the good in this other person and dismiss the downfalls which is the reason I am no longer included in that persons life. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t acknowledged with even the simplest wish of “Happy Birthday”, I thought that I had been important enough in that persons life for them to want to acknowledge me on this day, after all I would have done it for them without even thinking twice. Mom said in the simplest of ways, as moms do… “you would Sheri because that is who you are and you need to realize that the people you deserve in your life are people who think in that same way.” In that moment it was as if I had been hit in the head with a brick of knowledge. I realized my biggest gift “seeing good in others” might be holding me back from finding what I want in my life because I was not allowing myself to see the entire picture.

You could take the meanest person in the world, put them before me and I could find something good in that person. I have never been one to avoid a friendship because of the clothes someone wears, where they came from, what color their skin is or how much money they make…or don’t make. I see the good in others because I believe we all have that in us. I have wondered if it is a curse to think this way because it makes me an easy target for being taken advantage of due to my ability to trust. What I am learning is that often those great qualities I see in a person become overshadowed by the faults. I have to allow myself to accept the disappointment in the bad even with the good rather than blindly staying focused on only what I want to see “the good.” Most importantly I need work on my sensitivity from others actions, or lack of, by not allowing them to affect me so deeply. When someone does not think in the same caring and kind way as I would, I need to accept it and move on, after all…it is not required. Is this making sense?

I pondered all morning that my ability to see the good in people is a wonderful thing to have. Seeing people in a non judgmental way allows me to be kind and to see the beauty in our differences. It also brought to mind that I need to acknowledge my choices with what is best for me and accept that with good or bad I have a choice to let the relationship go if it is not healthy for me. This includes a  friendship, a family member, a romantic partner or even a business partner. There is never a reason for me to just settle. My desire to live a healthy life in alignment to what I need to be happy relies on these personal decisions as long as I am acting with integrity. Seeing goodness in others is not a bad thing but allowing those good things to overshadow the negative is where I need to be honest with myself in evaluating my choices. I cant expect someone to be what I want if that is not who they are even if they first appear to be “that”.
  
Wow, I allowed an entire day to pass, in disappointment, because I let one non existent birthday wish over shadow 226 good wishes. STUPID, shame on me!

I am at a place in my life where I feel kindness and love is what I can afford to give most and it is in an endless supply. I can allow myself to trust, to see goodness in others but I can’t loose sight in what might be read in between the lines, I always have a choice. I must make decisions that are best for me, they can always be made in a kind way but at that point I have to accept the outcome and move on. In the end I believe that the lives I touch through just being me will be more meaningful because I was honest with others and with myself.

Sending love out to you all…thank you for reading!

I spent the Thanksgiving holiday back in my hometown with my family, it was the first time I have been back to Ocala, FLA in almost a year.  The trip was full of emotions and time to reflect on my life, something I seem to do more and more as I age.  I was born in Ocala but spent the first 13 years or so in Salt Springs, an area located about 20 minutes outside of Ocala in the Ocala National Forest. There was a store, a few small churches, some camping sites and a mom and pop restaurant that had the best cheeseburgers, not much has changed.  Those early years as a child living in the seclusion of the country side is the biggest reason I write so expressively now.  I spent most of my time under the swaying pines writing poems, and personal thoughts in my journal.  Miranda Lambert’s song “The House That Built Me” it that place where my first 13 years was spent and word for word that song carries so much meaning for me.

As I get older I feel a need to hold on to every memory and moment I spend with my family.  I see my mom and dad getting older and I can’t help but tear up to think how much I will miss them when they are gone.  I hate that I think that way but I find myself making more out of every conversation and every moment I have with them because of it.  I feel so lucky to have parents who care so much, who love me, who I can talk to and whom I can see so much of them in me.  I also love the time I spend with my beautiful sister, I was a pretty lousy sister as a child, I was older and was mean to her in so many ways, I am thankful she and I have such a wonderful relationship now.  Those early sister memories of our fights are now replaced with laughter when we get together.  I have found that with all the losses I have experienced over the past few years I cherish my family time, every laugh, every tear and every moment.

This Thanksgiving marked the first time in many years that I took a man home with me for my family to meet.  I know that sounds trivial but I am very protective of my time with them and this was a tremendous step for me.  This was the fifth guy in my life time (including my high school sweetheart) that I have introduced a significant other to my family in all my 45 years.  I am sure there were some young men in my teen and preteen years, but none come to mind at the moment.  I have to be honest and admit that deep down I used to believe that I was so horrible at relationships that I didn’t want my family to meet the men I dated.  I am sure it was because I had doubts about the longevity of those relationships.  I didn’t want them to see me fail because I didn’t want them to worry about me when I was dealing with the hurt.  That sounds weird to say out loud but I guess I didn’t want them to worry about me while I was dealing with a heartache, I wanted them to see me as a strong independent woman who didn’t need someone to take care of me.  Perhaps I am not ready to dive into that part of “ME” discovery, I am sure there is something deeper to learn there but I will save that for a future post.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Last weekend I spent three days with my family down in Florida and it was by far one of the best visits I have had in years.  I spent a lot of time outdoors kayaking and boating with my sister and her boyfriend but also had some quality time with my mother.  With the recent passing of my step father and the past several years of his failing health, the last being the absolute worst, it was the first time I have been home and seen my mother calm and relaxed.  She had no plans, no where to be, nothing to do and wanted to spend time with me although if any wave of sadness came over her she was done visiting and headed home.  I have missed my mother dearly over the years, her deep love and devotion to my step father was her somewhat codependent focus in life and was what she lived for.  Living two states away and only getting home a few times a year limits the time I have to spend with family (I was the only one who moved from the nest) and talking on the phone is the best way we have to stay in touch.  These day’s mom appears a bit lost and at times she is filled with sadness, emptiness and loneliness.  I have often wondered what is worse, loving someone for 20+ years, losing them and dealing with the looniness that comes with living as two and suddenly becoming one, or growing old alone as an individual and feeling a sense of loneliness from time to time.  Not to beat a dead horse here, I do realize I just did a recent post on loneliness.  That is not what this post is about!

The past few times I have been home I have seen a big change in both of my parents and I guess I am seeing it in me as much as I don’t want to admit it.  Age is creeping in and is becoming more apparent than ever.  It’s weird how it is continuously happening but one day you somehow see it in a different light and it floors you. You notice the wrinkles on your parents face and see the changes in their bodies.  You realize they are not as invincible as they once were and see there ability is not as strong as you remembered.  You see they are weaker than before and you begin to want to protect and take care of them.   You realize that someday you will be in that place and face the reality that we do not have forever and that each day is one day less that you have to do, to be and to make a difference.  Within myself I have been aware of the aging process a lot the past two years and am trying to make the most of my time left.  I am unsure of what men feel but as a woman it is difficult to see the body change and to see the wrinkles appear.  You start to realize men no longer look your way because there is always a younger more beautiful face in the room, you miss the attention…perhaps that is my own insecurity for a later post and I should move on here.

Lately the strangest thing I have noticed is that each time I see my mother I see more and more of my grannie within her  Her features, the way her lips move when she talks, her stance.  Her mannerisms, her determination, her stubbornness and how when she wants to do something she wants to do it and if she wants to do it her way she will not allow anyone to tell her what to do.  But most of all her unlimited ability to love, to accept and to give to others just as grannie did.  She is a strong woman with deep convictions for what she wants yet a frail person filled with tenderness. At times she closes herself off and just wants to be alone.

With this visit I could see that she is still not ready to talk about my step dad and is careful in conversation to not bring up his name, when she does she tears up.  I felt a sense of her needing to get out of the house to get away from the constant reminder he is gone.  She did not really care to have me over, we met out at my sisters and other places.  I can see she is still not at the point of wanting to go through his personal things.  I get the sense she has closed off some rooms in the house, has tucked some things away so not to see them every day and she just is not ready to deal with the realization of his death.  That is just the way mom is, as far as I know she still has not visited my grannies grave site and that has been two years, she says it is just too hard, says grannie knows she loves her and she misses her.  We all grieve in our own way and can not judge other’s with how they may deal with death.

I know my mother as I am sure she knew hers and as she slowly begins to look like granny I wonder if I am slowly starting to look like mom.  I assume she deals with things much like I do as we are from the same core.  If so I think she is going to need time to find herself before she can face the actual act of letting my step dad go.  If so she will close off that part of her for a while because it is too painful, not wanting to see his things or be reminded in any other way that he is gone because just the emptiness of her bed and the loss of his presence is almost too much right now.  I don’t bring him up unless she does, I don’t ask questions or say anything that may remind her because I can’t stand to see tears in my mother’s eyes.  It seems so strange that through our parents, (if we are lucky enough to have a good relationship with them and if they are still around), we start to see so much of them in ourselves the older we get.  My grannie was one of the most beautiful people I have ever met.  She was full of life, strong willed, loving, giving and although she was this tiny frail little woman her spirit was as big as they come.  My mother is no different and I am so glad I have been blessed with the same genes.

At times it saddens me that I never had children and that the power of seeing all these beautiful changes in life will end with me, my hope is maybe someone out there will see within me the beauty of life that both my grannie and mother gave to me.  I guess in a way that is why I write and why I share with strangers hoping that someone out there will feel something in a world of numbness….life is about feeling, loving and giving something back, not the material things that you have.

I do hope someone reads these post and gets something out of them.

It’s been a tough few months I have to admit.  The first part was loosing my BF Mozart to cancer and the second part a week later, loosing my other BF Todd to accidental death due to drugs.  The second proved to be the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with (other than the death of my marriage in 2001).  Bringing Mozart’s ashes home and building a small shrine in his memory felt settling but I have yet to settle from Todd’s passing.  There was closure after the service I put together for him but there are still good days and the bad.  The hardest thing is knowing I will never hear his voice again, that all the little things he did that I might have taken for granted will never happen again.  There is a part of me that feels empty and I am questioning so much.  Maybe a bit of self blame, I knew he had addiction issues, it was the reason I stopped dating him.  I still loved him and after letting him go and his moving out I guess I sort of turned my head to what I figured was still going on with his addiction’s.  He sounded better most of the time but in the back of my mind I often thought he was hiding it because he was worried I would let go completely.  I set my boundries, stuck to them and I stopped nagging him because that is what it felt I had become to him.  I just wanted him to be happy and for us to keep our friendship.  Breaking up with someone you love because you know you can’t help them with their addiction and realizing that the addiction is starting to take a toll on you personally…it is such a difficult thing to have to deal with.  I started watching Intervention and Celebrity Rehab, as silly as that sounds just, to have some understanding of it all.  Realizing that he would have to face all his inner struggles and self blame, knowing he was not the type to face painful things, seeing that he had not reached a place where he realized how bad his addictions really were.  Realizing you can’t change someone, that you can offer help but that a person can only change if they themselves really want to…I just let go.  Could I have done more to help, could I have called someone else?  I had talked to some of his friends but nothing worked. Did I do all I could have done…I hope that I did, is it normal to feel this way?  All I can say for sure is that addiction is a terrible thing and I pray for all those who are addicted and those who love them.  I guess these two parts will always make me wonder about many things but the biggest is why did they have to happen the way they did and so close together, exactly one week apart. My new song (Alter Bridge-Watch Over You) on my myspace profile is dedicated to Todd…strangely enough the band is out of Orlando, where I moved to Nashville from, I know Todd is with God.

Part Three:

I just got back from Florida after spending a week with my family.  My step Dad has been struggling with health issues all year and is now in intensive care.  He has a bad heart (has for years, stints, bipass, defibrillator) and now has other issues in other parts of his body, in the past few days he does not even acknowledge my mother is in the room when she comes to visit.  On top of everything it seems that the doctors have pumped so much pain medication into him over the past three months that he is now severely addicted to the drugs…again addiction!  I spent more time with my mother in the week I was there that I have in the past several years.  It saddens me that she has to go through this, driving back and forth to the hospital each day and watching all the effects of the medication.  His prognosis is not good and I often feel guilt in praying that he if he is not going to get better that he pass so not to suffer anymore.  Every time my phone rings with the 352 area code I tense up and am scared to answer.  I feel for my mother, it is so sad that the person she loves is there in body but not in mind.  My wonder is why is this third thing happening so close to all the rest and why is it that something bad has given me more quality time with my mother whom I love and miss so much.

Now the One Part Me!

In light of everything somehow I have remarkably been able to keep from falling into depression, something a few years ago I don’t think I would have been able to do.  Although all of these things seem to be negative and empty experiences I have to say I see some light.  Maybe it is the new ME and the new way I have decided to live my life over the past year.  That no matter what, there is some good from all that is bad.  I want to keep living with intention, love, prosperity, abundance and integrity.  I am grateful for all the wonderful friends I have who have been there for me through all of this.  I am grateful for my beautiful family I have and the love we all share for each other.  I am grateful for good health, a roof over my head, the ability to pay my bills and to live my life doing what I know I am good at…taking pictures. With all of the negative, sad and upsetting things life has thrown out to me I still can smile but only because I believe.  I believe there is goodness everywhere even within all the bad.  I know I am here to serve a purpose and I have to believe that all I do, even sharing myself here is a part of what it is I am supposed to be doing.  I want to empower people and to live life inspiring others.

By now if you are still reading this you are probably wondering when I will stop this book of babble…one last little thing I have to add that has helped me with all of this (probably the biggest part) is the new addition to my home.  Thanks to a best GF who just so happened to find an ad in the paper about a puppy in need of a home…who just so happened to look very similar to my Mozi.  I fought the urge because I thought it was too soon but…his name is Deisel!  Perhaps he has been a bit of a diversion to all that has happened, something to keep my mind busy, to fill a void, to love me unconditionally.  Whatever the case he is my little angel (even though he wont be little for long) and has helped keep me stay strong, he has added laughter to my days and is truly a gift in my life right now!

My new Addition...

In closing, I have said many times in past blogs to tell the people you love that you love them and tell those who are important to you that they matter…that you may not have another chance.  I now realize that even doing that does not prepare you for the inevitable, it does however help you to know they understood how you felt.

So, even with all THREE PARTS OF WONDER I am experiencing right now, remarkably I am being led into a new direction of understanding…I have discovered a better and wiser ME!