Today I did one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I decided it was best to put my little buddy to sleep and to end his pain. I guess in a way I have been preparing myself for this over the past 2 months but now it is real. I have tried and tried to think positive, to think for the best and to keep hope. I have made every decision based on trust that my pup Mozart would not suffer. The leg amputation was supposed to be a simple procedure followed by x-rays and then chemo if needed. The amputation went well, he seemed to be healing and 2 weeks later the x-rays showed a clean bill of health. I was so happy…Mozi was pulling me on his three legs around the neighborhood and I was dreaming up new ways we would do things together. Then on the 5th week his appetite seemed to be off, on the 6th week his leg started bleeding, I took him to the vet and they said he was having a rare reaction to the sutures that were now dissolving. The vet wanted me to monitor it and said the worst option would be to go back in and remove the old and try a different kind. Last week I was out of town on assignment and my friend Amy had to rush him to the vet because of bleeding, they removed the old sutures and tried something different… three days later I brought him home. During his stay at the vet a cyst was found removed and sent to the lab. The cancer had spread.
The past 5 days I have been home with my little guy hoping he would improve. I have slept next to him and been by his side the entire time. Yesterday he hemorrhaged again and I had to rush him back to the vet. I have cried, worried and prayed. When I looked into his eyes last night all I saw was sadness and pain, this morning after several phone calls to friends I made the decision. I can say that in all of the years I have had pets and lost this is the toughest. Mozi is the first dog I have had all on my own with no husband or parent in the picture. He was given to me at my toughest time several months after relocating to Nashville in 2001, starting my new life after divorce, a new city and state, starting my business over, everything was hard except earning his love. He has been there through a move to a house where he had a huge back yard to play, he has been there through several relationships, live in companions and many ups and downs. He knows me better than anyone, he could tell when I was upset without hearing a word. He fought through an incurable disease he got 5 years ago that left him with a constant snotty nose but prevailed. Each day over the past month or so I have watched as the light disappeared from his eyes, his body was not getting around well and he would stare off in some sad place I am sure wishing he could just walk around the block one last time. It has been 2 months since I have seen him pick up squeaky, chase his tail, lash out at the vacuum cleaner or bark at me in his sassy way. He was a talker and lately…silence.
This morning as I looked into his sad tired eyes I knew his spirit was gone. I had to grant him the chance to sleep without pain and leave my life the way it was before he ever came into it. I wouldn’t trade a single day I have had and I know that regardless of the pain I am feeling now that the almost 6 years and 10 months of unconditional joy and love was worth every minute. On Halloween he would have been 7 years old. So now all I can say is goodbye my friend and I know he will be there waiting for me someday with stinky breath and a big wet kiss when I go on to the next place. Fair well to my best buddy Mozart…I love you little buddy and I will miss you so much.