Thinking Diva

Is it me or does there seem to be a lot of negative energy out there lately? I have felt like I need to spend more time alone than I normally do because I have not felt comfortable outside my home, it is as if the energy everywhere is heavy and uncomfortable. It is more of an un-settling feeling than the act of others complaining in a negative way although that is happening too. I am not a big TV fan but if I do turn it on I have purposely choose to NOT watch the news or anything with drama which is 80+ percent of what seems to be available anymore. I have changed my music spin to include more mellow vibes. I have been trying to exercise more, eat less and be healthier with my overall choices. I guess I have been spending more time being spiritual and trying to figure out how to just feel good, stay positive and be happy.

I recently had a strange dream and I have been trying to decide whether I should post my thoughts or not. Someone I lost a few years ago came to me in my dream and spoke to me about life and death. I guess maybe this dream was brought on by recent events I have been dealing with emotionally. A week and a half ago I lost a great friend, Victoria from my life back in Orlando whom I was very close to and she was only 51 years old. It seems so unfair and I am still in a state of shock. My mind has been trying to understand, to deal and to heal. I have lost 5 extremely important people-2 family members, 1 significant other, 2 great friends and a pet in the past 5 years and each time it kicks me down and makes me question life and why we are here.

As I struggled to sleep the night this dream occurred I was restless, my back has been bothering me and the house has not felt cool due to the intense heat wave. TG came to me in this dream, he passed away in 2008 from addiction and perhaps the news of Amy Winehouse’s death influence his visit with all the public discussion on her addiction. What ever the case it was a very vivid and enlightening experience. In the dream he was smiling at me and he told me he was happy. I told him I knew he was in Heaven (earlier post about him being in Hell due to the nature of his death), he smiled and said that when a person dies they are stripped down to the core of who they are, the goodness that they are born with which is their spirit and that goes to a wonderful place that I could never imagine because it is beyond human understanding. All the bad stuff goes somewhere else and is no longer a part of that spirit (he did not say where that part went). He went on to explain how throughout our lives, with all of our experiences and choices we often lose sight of our goodness, our judgement, we start to express anger, and other negative emotions. In time if we do not allow ourselves to notice this constant negativity we slowly grow into that role and we become what we think. We become something so far away from what we are intended to be and with all of that distance comes depression, unhappiness, lack of integrity and anger. He said that because we begin to dis-like who we are subconsciously we begin doing things out of character in our unhappiness. Things like cheating, substance abuse, overeating, constant negative judgement and others as they begin to mask our unhappiness. This happens because it is easier to put that energy into making others wrong than to look within our selves and deal with the pain and guilt we have created. If we don’t recognize what we are doing and make changes we continue to hate who we are and live with self guilt. If we can at anytime stop the busyness, the noise of life and recognize that gift of goodness each one of us are born with we will realize how good it makes us feel. If we allow that to resonate long enough it will bring us back to who we are supposed to be, if not we will go through life feeling lost from time to time, staying busy to keep us from feeling anything and later regret the things we did or didn’t do. There were many other personal things TG and I talked about in that dream but in the end he smiled and said he had to go, I said I knew, he kissed me and I awoke from the dream.

It was a lot to take in, I made myself turn on the light and write every single thing I remembered so it wouldn’t be lost the next morning. I don’t know the truth of our dreams, if we subconsciously make them up or if there really is a way for loved ones who have passed to come to us when we are sleeping. When he kissed me before he left he asked me to look into his eyes. It was what made me fall in love with him early on in out relationship before he became intertwined with addiction. He had beautiful deep blue eyes you could get lost in. It was something I couldn’t do later because of the pain I saw when he was slowly killing himself after the addiction started. When he asked me to look into them I was scared of what I might see but was relieved when I saw no pain..only happiness. I am unsure what this dream is supposed to mean, if anything but it deeply moved me. I feel better about his passing and content that even if I made it up as a way of letting go that is all ok because I know he is with God now. His death makes me want to give, to share and to love deeper than ever before so he gave me more than he ever knew.

It is hard to loose people you love that you are close to, Victoria’s death has me thinking more about what I want to accomplish, she always appeared to be the healthier one in our group, she ate better foods, exercised more and was always doing. I was with her the first time I ever traveled outside the US, and repeated the trip more than once. We backpacked throughout Portugal and Spain, visited Amsterdam and got lost once in the Paris airport, missed a flight and laughed so hard people thought we were crazy. I am so grateful that those beautiful memories will always be with me. Her death makes me want to see more of the world, to take more chances, to be more than I have allowed myself to be. It has made me question so many things yet be grateful for so many more.

I am still pondering the idea that the goodness we were born with is still somewhere in each and everyone of us, some of us just have no idea what that was because we have allowed ourselves to drift so far away. I want my goodness to shine brighter than it ever has and I want to see others do the same. Together we can change the negativity around us one person at a time and I know the core of all goodness starts with LOVE…pass it on and see what happens!

I started this blog years ago to share in hopes of helping people.  I have not figured out as of yet how to really get it out there and feel it touches very few people but still, I am here.  Although I often open myself up and share pretty deeply, there are things we all keep to our selves.  Things that no one, not even our closest friends or loved ones know of or quite possibly would even be able to understand.  I have posted things from my heart that people said I should not put out there because of what others would think.  I have said things that some believed I should remove because it would make others think of me in an undesirable way.  I have shared my thoughts and people have stated they thought I might need to seek professional help.  At the same time these things have gained praise, compassion and gratitude by others who’s emails have made me feel I am doing the right thing.  The truth is no matter what I share there will always be judgment of some kind.  As humans it is what we do and it is expected.  Although there are places I will not allow myself to share openly here, I feel there is some reason that little voice in my head keeps telling me to post what I am experiencing.

I believe that some people truly need help, that in-balance exist and that often prescribed drugs need to be taken.  I believe my high’s and lows are natural, that life is not always an upward plane and that at times we have to feel, to be humbled and to experience life.  If we are feeling pain yet know in our thoughts that it is supposed to be that way because that is the course of life I think we can keep things on track once we have the experience, regain our focus and then allow ourselves to move forward knowing it all leads to a better place.  I don’t want to hide, I don’t need to take some pharmaceutical drug a doctor thinks I need and I know that a bottle or recreational drug is not going to keep any painful thoughts from being experienced.  Numbing the experience is not going to make me a healthier person.  Life is our own journey, we set our path with each choice we make, we allow ourselves to place meaning on everything that comes into play and our thoughts determine our next move.  That being said no matter what, we are all going to hurt at times, we are all going to feel sad and sometimes…lost. We all experience health issues, break ups, broken hearts, broken friendships, losses and death.  At the same time if we look deeply into each of these things as they happen and allow ourselves to feel the hurt yet see what was also good in the experience we will eventually grow as an individual.  It is why people who have lost loved ones to tragedy often find a way to help others in need.  That those sad or seemingly negative experiences often lead to very uplifting and motivational publications, movies, businesses and organizations.  It is often what it takes in our lives to trigger something that helps us discover our purpose.

With all that was said above are you wondering what this post is actually about?  Well, I can’t say there is any one thing and although I honestly feel very happy with where I am in life for some reason at times I just feel a bit like a roller coaster (and I am getting really tired of some of you women blaming it on “THE CHANGE”).  This is life and lately my lower points happen when I see or remember something that reminds me of Todd.  I have never experienced the death of someone I have been intimate with, that I truly and deeply loved and that I feared would die because of their life style yet never believing it would actually happen.  Life is strange that way. I go through stages when it comes to Todd and lately he has been on my mind a lot.  I am wondering if maybe there are years of  emotional stages you go through when death has come in a tragic manner.  I think of him when I grab the remote, when I hear certain songs, drive by a certain place…there are things everywhere that make me think of him and not a single day goes by where he doesn’t filter through my mind.  Recently a friend gave me a jacket they had that was Todd’s, I went through all the pockets hoping I would find something he might have left, that he might have touched.  I didn’t want to but needed to wash it because it was extremely dirty, as I pulled it out of the dryer I couldn’t’ help but wonder what he had done the last time he wore it as tears fell down my cheeks.   I have been considering contacting some local establishments that deal with helping people who suffer from alcohol and drug addictions to offer my experiences with Todd and the reality of what can happen.  It would be a very difficult thing for me to do in person but I feel driven in some way to move in that direction.  Right now I am allowing my life to move forward on the ideas that come to mind and what I feel in my gut, this is one of them but I have yet to take action.

Several weeks ago I had a discussion about religion with a person I have not known for very long, we talked about Todd and some of the circumstances leading up to his death.  This person began to tell me in a polite yet Godly way that Todd more likely was not in Heaven, that he was in hell because of the sinful things he had done.  Now before I go on I will say that Religion and Politics are two things I don’t openly care to share or discuss, I feel we are all entitled to our choice in these areas and that judgment lies deeper in these two areas than any others.  That being said I have always admitted openly that I do believe in God and I am a spiritual person.  When this person made that statement it not only bothered me but it disturbed me.  I told the person they were entitled to their belief but I choose to believe differently and then ended the discussion.  I choose to believe that God does not punish, he loves, he forgives and he understands that as humans some of us are weaker than others.  It is not my place to judge other peoples actions, choices or where they end up, I don’t need to waist the energy on judgment of others I can only worry about my own actions.  I do have a choice in my thinking and what I choose to believe when it comes to Todd.  Todd was a wonderful loving person who also suffered from many painful things he could not overcome.  It has bothered me for several weeks now but in MY heart and mind Todd is in heaven and I know he will be there with a big grin on his face when it is my time to go.  I am not sure why I wanted to share that but I did want to get it off my chest and this seemed like the place to do it.

I realize this blog is a bit scattered in thought with this post but that is ok.  I am not trying to write a book, say something that will get me praise or earn friendships. I am just sharing and that isn’t something that should be proofread and edited a million times in hopes of pleasing everyone.  I love who I am, I love what I do, I love my family and friends and I feel very confident in my skin…I recently celebrated a birthday and I love that another year has allowed me to grow into the person I am right here…right now!  Love, love, love I can’t say the word enough, sending love out to all of you until next time!

I slept in today and that is not something that happens often.  I actually was awake but couldn’t (for some reason) bring myself to want to get out of bed.  Today is Valentines Day and all week leading up to today I have read post, received emails and talked to friends who were dreading the day’s arrival.   “Love Stinks” parties and “Single Valentines” events for those sad souls who are without a partner.  Those who are in relationships complaining how the hype makes the holiday expensive with limited restaurant menu’s and expensive price tags.  All this stress over a day focusing on “LOVE”.   Why  do we really need a day to remind us to be grateful and celebrate the one or one’s we love.  Everyday we should be showing love and for a day that was created for the sake of love it seems so many are stressed out and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.

I am happy today, my dad’s birthday was yesterday, this week several of my friends are celebrating their b-days and I have wonderful people I love in my life.  Today I started my day with a kiss and a hug to my big white pink eared dog and a call to my mom to say happy “V” day and “I love you”.  Sure, it would be great to have someone special to celebrate the occasion with and in time I will be in that place but I won’t need a “specific” day to remind me show love to that special someone, it will be shown everyday.

So I have to admit although I have been happy all week, grateful for the busy work week and looking forward to a little quiet relaxation time I have felt a little off.  I have been aware of it but not sure what it was about.  I avoided people all weekend and enjoyed spending time at home alone watching cheesy movies about falling in love.  I often with draw, I enjoy being alone at times, I am not feeling depressed in any way so although I am not feeling sociable I feel happy overall.  Perhaps I feel a little off because I am trying to use less sugar in my diet and have felt a little out of sorts over the experience and the failures at times.  I though it was the reason I was feeling restless all week and having a hard time focusing.

As I become a healthier person in mind, body and spirit I am learning that often things trigger past events in our lives.  That no matter how positive or happy we are there will always be times of reflection that might feel painful yet need to be experienced.  I believe these events happen because we need to be reminded of who we are, where we have been and by believing that happiness lies with in our own minds we keep moving forward.  These events are reminders for us to see the beauty in all things, good or bad, and to live life feeling and growing rather than being numb to the process.  More often than not if we keep a positive mind set and believe these events are there to help us grow we will see something beautiful on the other side from the experience.  Individually, for each of us this is our very own road of life, we make the decisions where and when to turn so we must live with where ever we end up!  I choose to be happy no matter where I land.

The truth is that Todd has been on my mind a lot this week and I think maybe Valentines is the trigger.  I have had some dreams of him, I have been missing him and I am sad that he is gone.  I never watch tv and this week found myself watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab, connecting so much with what was happening in the episode especially with the drama. For those of you who are new to my post, Todd passed away a year and a half ago of a drug overdose.  I dated him for two years prior and was unaware of his issues, after a year of dating and then moving in together I realized he had an addiction.  I tried to get him help and eventually had to break up with him because I could no longer handle his addiction.  It was a tough decision because I loved him dearly but I could no longer deal with the events that the drug and alcohol addiction had created in our lives, he died eight month later.  I have never been into drugs, I don’t even like to take aspirin and other than drinking alcohol on occasion I prefer to feel in control of my body, my mind and my actions.  I am very nieve to the habits and characteristics drugs create because I have no knowledge of what they do internally nor how they make you feel.  Now days everyone seems to be taking pharmaceutical drugs….personally I think these might be worse than any of the ones I knew about when I was younger.  The bottom line is that losing someone you love is tough especially when it is sudden and unexpected, it takes time to heal and although it gets easier over time things do resurface.  You do repeat the grieving process and remember the person who is no longer living.

Todd has been on my mind, although I have been happy this week there has been a slight unknowing sadness or feeling of being off.  I realized this morning while lying in bed that three years ago Todd had given me a beautiful saffire ring (not an engagement ring) for valentines, it was one of the most memorable and happy valentines I can remember ever having.

So here I am not sure why I am writing today but wanting to say something to lift my spirits and yours, at least those of you who may be feeling a bit down on this day of recognizing “LOVE”.  What I can say is this…I am ever so grateful that even though Todd has passed I had the opportunity to love him, to be loved by him knowing he loved me the best he could in light of his addiction and realizing that in life there are no guarantees.  We must remember to show our love to all those who are important to us, lovers, friends, family and even strangers.  Life is a constant learning platform with up’s and downs.  At times things may not seem fair, bad things do happen but the ability to think positive even when you might not be feeling it will make all the difference in your life and in being happy.

Love comes in many forms, kindness is the greatest and it is within all of us, it is free and always available to give. Today I am grateful for every single thing in my life.  Thinking of all those unfortunate people in Haiti and what they are having to endure makes me that much more grateful and makes me want to give more because I have the ability to do so.  Today I celebrate “Valentine Day” buy saying to all of you…those I know and those I do not, “I love you” for being who you are, for reading this and for being in my life.  Sending love out to everyone….until next time!  SMOOCH!!!!

It’s been a tough few months I have to admit.  The first part was loosing my BF Mozart to cancer and the second part a week later, loosing my other BF Todd to accidental death due to drugs.  The second proved to be the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with (other than the death of my marriage in 2001).  Bringing Mozart’s ashes home and building a small shrine in his memory felt settling but I have yet to settle from Todd’s passing.  There was closure after the service I put together for him but there are still good days and the bad.  The hardest thing is knowing I will never hear his voice again, that all the little things he did that I might have taken for granted will never happen again.  There is a part of me that feels empty and I am questioning so much.  Maybe a bit of self blame, I knew he had addiction issues, it was the reason I stopped dating him.  I still loved him and after letting him go and his moving out I guess I sort of turned my head to what I figured was still going on with his addiction’s.  He sounded better most of the time but in the back of my mind I often thought he was hiding it because he was worried I would let go completely.  I set my boundries, stuck to them and I stopped nagging him because that is what it felt I had become to him.  I just wanted him to be happy and for us to keep our friendship.  Breaking up with someone you love because you know you can’t help them with their addiction and realizing that the addiction is starting to take a toll on you personally…it is such a difficult thing to have to deal with.  I started watching Intervention and Celebrity Rehab, as silly as that sounds just, to have some understanding of it all.  Realizing that he would have to face all his inner struggles and self blame, knowing he was not the type to face painful things, seeing that he had not reached a place where he realized how bad his addictions really were.  Realizing you can’t change someone, that you can offer help but that a person can only change if they themselves really want to…I just let go.  Could I have done more to help, could I have called someone else?  I had talked to some of his friends but nothing worked. Did I do all I could have done…I hope that I did, is it normal to feel this way?  All I can say for sure is that addiction is a terrible thing and I pray for all those who are addicted and those who love them.  I guess these two parts will always make me wonder about many things but the biggest is why did they have to happen the way they did and so close together, exactly one week apart. My new song (Alter Bridge-Watch Over You) on my myspace profile is dedicated to Todd…strangely enough the band is out of Orlando, where I moved to Nashville from, I know Todd is with God.

Part Three:

I just got back from Florida after spending a week with my family.  My step Dad has been struggling with health issues all year and is now in intensive care.  He has a bad heart (has for years, stints, bipass, defibrillator) and now has other issues in other parts of his body, in the past few days he does not even acknowledge my mother is in the room when she comes to visit.  On top of everything it seems that the doctors have pumped so much pain medication into him over the past three months that he is now severely addicted to the drugs…again addiction!  I spent more time with my mother in the week I was there that I have in the past several years.  It saddens me that she has to go through this, driving back and forth to the hospital each day and watching all the effects of the medication.  His prognosis is not good and I often feel guilt in praying that he if he is not going to get better that he pass so not to suffer anymore.  Every time my phone rings with the 352 area code I tense up and am scared to answer.  I feel for my mother, it is so sad that the person she loves is there in body but not in mind.  My wonder is why is this third thing happening so close to all the rest and why is it that something bad has given me more quality time with my mother whom I love and miss so much.

Now the One Part Me!

In light of everything somehow I have remarkably been able to keep from falling into depression, something a few years ago I don’t think I would have been able to do.  Although all of these things seem to be negative and empty experiences I have to say I see some light.  Maybe it is the new ME and the new way I have decided to live my life over the past year.  That no matter what, there is some good from all that is bad.  I want to keep living with intention, love, prosperity, abundance and integrity.  I am grateful for all the wonderful friends I have who have been there for me through all of this.  I am grateful for my beautiful family I have and the love we all share for each other.  I am grateful for good health, a roof over my head, the ability to pay my bills and to live my life doing what I know I am good at…taking pictures. With all of the negative, sad and upsetting things life has thrown out to me I still can smile but only because I believe.  I believe there is goodness everywhere even within all the bad.  I know I am here to serve a purpose and I have to believe that all I do, even sharing myself here is a part of what it is I am supposed to be doing.  I want to empower people and to live life inspiring others.

By now if you are still reading this you are probably wondering when I will stop this book of babble…one last little thing I have to add that has helped me with all of this (probably the biggest part) is the new addition to my home.  Thanks to a best GF who just so happened to find an ad in the paper about a puppy in need of a home…who just so happened to look very similar to my Mozi.  I fought the urge because I thought it was too soon but…his name is Deisel!  Perhaps he has been a bit of a diversion to all that has happened, something to keep my mind busy, to fill a void, to love me unconditionally.  Whatever the case he is my little angel (even though he wont be little for long) and has helped keep me stay strong, he has added laughter to my days and is truly a gift in my life right now!

My new Addition...

In closing, I have said many times in past blogs to tell the people you love that you love them and tell those who are important to you that they matter…that you may not have another chance.  I now realize that even doing that does not prepare you for the inevitable, it does however help you to know they understood how you felt.

So, even with all THREE PARTS OF WONDER I am experiencing right now, remarkably I am being led into a new direction of understanding…I have discovered a better and wiser ME!

RIP November 4, 2008

He was a very big part of my life. He was a lover, a companion, a roommate and a best friend.  Although we separated in March and he moved into his own place he still remained my best friend.  We agreed to keep that because even though we could not overcome the issues we had as lovers and roommates we could not sever the love or that friendship.  We still talked almost every day and I did things for him when he was on the road because I cared.  When people turned away from him I was always there and never once turned my back.  I could see through all his darkness a beautiful soul who loved, was compassionate and cared about those he believed in, those few he trusted.  His life is full of mystery and hurt so deeply rooted even those really close to him would not know the details of where his pain came from.  His most prized possession was his daughter Jordan who was truly what he lived for every day.

It was a very unfortunate accident, it shook me to the core and I still don’t believe it has hit me yet.  The last time I saw him was a week before when in a panic he helped me rush my best friend Mozi to the vet and he came by the night before I had to put my pup to sleep in order to comfort me.  He too was close to Mozi because he had lived with me for a year and grown to love that dog.  He was visibly sad and carried that with him over the next week. On Monday November 3rd my other best friend Todd Garrett passed away suddenly and now I am here wondering what I am supposed to be learning from all of this.  It saddens me that I will never hear his voice again and I will forever hold the words he spoke to me in a conversation that same day he passed. After that conversation he sent the following text…

At 4:13PM he sent a text :

I miss you

I want to feel your heart race

I want to look into your eyes

I want to feel your soul

At 4:53 his text read:

I love you Sheri

I would never hear from him again.  What saddens me the most is that he has a family who will not claim him even after his death.  I have been asked to make the decision of what to do now in regard to his funeral because no one in his family cares.  I guess God put him in my life so I could deal with all these things for him, so I could love him and so that I could hold his true character in my mind until someday I will have the chance to share with his daughter who he really was.  She is only 4 and will never hear his voice again.  What a tragedy all of this is, it just breaks my heart. I am strong and I will get through this. His friends have come forward and the support is helping me.  The 2 years I knew Todd will forever stay in my heart, he was a good man despite the inner pain he suffered.  I will miss you my friend and I know that you and Mozi are looking down at me right now smiling.  Todd Garrett I will always love you and I will only remember the good things. RIP