I have been trying to spend more time alone and in silence lately because I feel as if my life has been on auto pilot, out of control and I have had no direction. It has been months since I have written or even had the desire to do so and that is not like me. Life has taken hold spun me around and passed me by. Stumbling around, going with the flow I had to stop, turn it all off and just think…in silence.
At first it was awful, uncomfortable and it made me restless. I have always admired those who had the ability to meditate because I cant seem to slow my thoughts down on any given day until I pass out from exhaustion. How do they do it, how do they find the calmness and the control. SILENCE!!
I am realizing that with silence comes the ability to experience calmness. With calmness comes clarity and it is something I have needed for a long time. No tv, no music, no chatter just silence. Im always trying to change things about myself, I feel Ive been in flux and that I have had no control. When your mind and heart hurt you tend to try and stay preoccupied in order to not focus on what your problems are. Chaos keeps us from facing things that might not be pretty or that we dont want to admit to ourselves. Silence covers up nothing and all that is, takes on a new meaning, everything becomes real. At first your mind tends to run a thousand miles an hour thinking in all different directions. You may be restless or bored and just want to do something, anything. Sadness may visit for a moment or for several but then if you give yourself enough time something beautiful happens. You experience clarity, you start to think clearly and with no distractions. You start to realize what you dont like and what you do. Your body feels truly relaxed and so does your mind. So many people today never experience silence unless it is when their eyes are closed and they are asleep. Many people hate silence and have no idea why…they always have to have the tv or radio on or be doing something to keep busy. Many are scared of silence and I believe there are many that couldnt handle it. Accustomed to noise, even if just a distraction keeps the mind numb. Noise keeps you from having to think or atleast from having to focus. Why is it that we are only asked to be silent in the memory of someone…is it because that is what it takes to remember.
I feel like the world is just a bunch of noise, or perhaps that life is noise and I just want to stop. I need a moment to collect my thoughts. To figure out with complete clarity what the hell it is I am supposed to be doing, what am I here for. I know it cant be to keep falling down just to pick myself back up. My hope for now is that if I can learn to be silent, just for a moment it will be long enough to save myself from being swallowed by a life that is speeding by way too fast. I want to stop, I have to stop, turn it off and just think…