So…who do I want to be this time around?

Today has been a strange and lonely day. I can’t put my finger on it but something has brought my mindset down a few notches. I don’t really think it has anything to do with the break up a few weeks ago from a 4 year live in relationship. It has nothing to do with money, or work or friends because all that is wonderful. I feel better about myself than I have in a very long time, I have made some great new friends over the past few months and I am happy over all. I am grateful for all that I have right now. This feeling is strange….It has something to do with the the weather, the quiet and the time of year. The wind blowing outside, the golden light falling in and out of the sky as the sun shines through the clouds. The air smells different and the temperature the last few mornings is cooler that it has been in the past. I love it…it is beautiful but it feels lonely to me. I remember feeling this way as a child as I would lie in my favorite place on my back in the scattered pine needles and look up at the sky. The sound of the wind rustling through the trees as I wondered about what my adult life would be like. I often wonder if whatever thoughts ran through my young mind back then are in any way related to how my life has turned out. Although that was such a long time ago I still feel like that silly little girl who likes to daydream about what she wants and who she wants to be, the not knowing how it will all turn out….

The summer is almost gone and all the memories, the fun and excitement of time spent with friends…I guess winter seems lonely to me. Maybe it is knowing the chill is coming and the thought of not having someone warm to snuggle up next makes me sad. Being single is a new experience and a little scary. Not the alone time but the having to go through the awkwardness of dating again, of trying to trust someone with my thoughts and wondering if I can be myself. I love having someone in my life who I can share things with but at the same time it must be a healthy relationship and that is what I am learning about now. For that reason the loneliness is ok. Winter time is so different than summer when it comes to dating because there is less social outdoor things to do and with the Holidays, and family gatherings….everything seems slower. So I am not sure why I have this empty and lonely feeling inside but I do know it will pass. I just wish I could understand it and why it feels strangely connected to the wind blowing through the trees. Change is everywhere in my life right now and my emotions are going crazy…I am excited, sad, happy, lonely, hopeful and so many other things from one moment to the next. So with that said I guess maybe that is the answer….the reason I am feeling this way today is because I am learning something about myself. Even though I dont know what is is right now it has to be good for me because I am feeling, I am thinking and I am experiencing. Isnt that what being alive is all about? Experiencing change is to experience life because I am forced to reinvent, discover and learn new things about myself so…who do I want to be this time around? Wow, this could really be fun!

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