Tonight was a huge reminder that I am who I am. I believe that the core of our being is planted when we are very young. No matter what happens along the way, that embedded core transforms into personality traits which in turn leads to our purpose and our being. I believe that what we experience at a very young age and how we choose to interpret it creates who we will become. I think that depending on the early experience (between the age of two to maybe ten) we place meaning on what happens, and then we continue to experience that throughout life based on the meaning we gave the experience.
Tonight was my WMBA (Woman’s Music Business Association) annual cocktail party and yearly award ceremony at the Acorn in Nashville. As always I went alone, sat at a table alone the first 30 minutes as we all ate and after a glass of wine I was relaxed enough to mingle. As a child I would always sit in the back corner of the room as I did tonight, my reason for this is so that I won’t draw attention to myself (as if no one wonders why the chick in the back of the room is sitting alone). Throughout life I never enjoyed being in front of people, never enjoyed being the center of attention, never wanted to be called upon in class and I never wanted to win anything because I hated the thought of being in front of a crowd. I believe it stems from my story (in earlier blog post) with kids making fun of me because of my speech impediment and I do realize at 45 that this is all self inflicted.
As I sat there tonight another trait from my childhood resurfaced, that of not paying attention. I have always had a difficult time staying focused and using my time wisely. These days it is referenced to as ADD and although I will not allow myself to be tested or to accept that title I do believe there is some truth that I may have a small percentage of this behavior. I recently found an early report card (image attached) that stated that I needed improvement in those areas and it serves as a reminder that those issues have carried through to today some 36 years later. I find it interesting those report card notes from my early years are still a part of who I am today.
As the award show started I quickly lost attention and struggled to stay focused on what was being said. My friend Dina sent a text, she is leaving in the morning from New Orleans and wanted to know if I was interested in splitting a sack of raw oysters upon her return. Being from Florida I couldn’t resist the temptation and as I was responding to her text quietly in the back of the room my name came across the loud speaker. Like a deer in the headlights I looked up to see the whole room staring at me and clapping their hands. In that moment fear gripped my entire body, somehow I was able to walk to the front of the room, not knowing why exactly but realizing I had won some award. The microphone was handed to me and I was asked to speak…crickets. I had no idea what I was just awarded nor did I have a clue what to say, so, as I have learned with age the best path to take is honesty. I admitted that I was not paying attention, I was texting for oysters, showed the crowd gratitude for the award and nervously in my moment of embarrassment (auto pilot kicked in) I rambled off some story from my childhood and walked away ashamed.
With age I have come to realize that emotions pass very quickly when you don’t allow yourself to hold on to them. My embarrassment subsided and later I was approached with congratulations and only wished I knew what for, the award was titled “Extra Mile Award”. I have not won an award in many, many years so I am very honored to have won. The WMBA is a wonderful organization and I feel privileged to be a part of it. Although I do not feel I have done anything to earn an award I must have done something because I was voted in and it is with great honor.
Tonight, I learned a big lesson, texting is not only bad to do while driving but it is also bad to do at an award show. I am glad that I was able to bring some laughter to everyone in the room tonight and I think with my new “Extra Mile Award” title I will go the extra mile and say even if some of my not so desirable traits are still with me from my childhood, I will use them in ways that bring laughter to others! Yes my humiliation for some reason always brings laughter and I am ok with that because that brings me joy. Sending love until next time…