My desire is to learn how to live fearlessly…stay tuned!

Before I get started I want to say I try hard to keep my blog’s positive but we can’t always be positive. We all experience low points and I want to share this day regardless of how it may appear…positive or not. I am human and this has been a downer of a day. There are some personal things going on in my life that I don’t want to get into and I am sure that they factored into this Easter day but I want to share the other parts..mainly to let them go and hope that maybe someone can relate. It will be long that I am sure of, it is very rare that I am without words.

I did not sleep very well last night. I was up early…5am. It is Easter and I have already decided to go to church…something I have not done in a while. I am very spiritual and I believe in God but I have had a difficult time finding a church I feel comfortable with, I have had a hard time with organized religion because of some experiences in the past. I do not feel it is right to judge others especially in church and it saddens me that so many do. God does not judge, he is always there for us and realizes we are human and not perfect. It is my belief that he doesn’t care what color you are, what religion you choose or what sexual orientation you are and I don’t feel it’s is right for a church to judge especially acting under God. OK so as usual I have gotten off of the subject here. It is also my 43rd birthday today. When I awoke I was immediately sad. After doing 3 loads of laundry and anxiously trying to find something to occupy my time I showered, tried several outfits on, hating everything in my closet and finally settling for some blue dress paints with a brown shirt. I have wanted to go to a Sunday service at the Nashville Center for Spiritual Living after going to a Friday night movie by Louise Hay there a month or so ago. They state their belief is that of God but in the realm of spiritual enlightenment and abundance. A new language for me over the past year or so based from readings of Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Jack Canfield and others. That was my destiny for Easter Sunday.

So today as I had my first cry around 6:30AM I also had a thought…Easter is the celebration of Jesus resurrecting and the fact that I am dealing with some life changing events and it being my birthday struck a chord. Although it felt very positive I was still sad and unsure of the entire reason why. Perhaps finally after 43 years of making crappy decisions with love this was a sign of new things to come. Of resurrection and new beginnings. I have done well over the past several months. I have stayed positive and things I never imagined could come my way in my career are happening. Today it did not matter how hard I tried to keep my thoughts positive I was just sad. I have never cared much for having birthdays, I do not deal with being the center of attention very well although my humor often makes it happen without choice. That is why I never advertise my birthday and today was no exception. I have told no one.

Feeling sad and having doubts about leaving the house I forced myself to go to the church. As I sat close to the back (so I could make a quick escape in the end) I felt uncomfortable being there alone and not knowing anyone or what to expect. Struggling to control my thoughts and tearing up I noticed a familiar face…my friend Shauna was taking a seat right in front of me, when we realized we were both there I felt a bit more comfortable. I also felt it was strange that out of all the churches in town she just happened to be trying the same one as I was. The service was different but in a good way. At the end for what ever reason I almost lost it when everyone joined hands and swayed while singing a song then raising all of our hands in the end. The energy was amazing, I felt so connected and I was fighting with all I had to keep from crying. I could no longer hold back for some reason when Shauna turned to see what I thought and my tears started hers. We hugged, she invited me to lunch with friends, I declined and promptly lost her in the hall as I made my way as quickly as possible to my truck to go home. Once again crying, feeling crappy and sad I decided to stay busy. Mowed the grass, weed eat was a pain to get started after winter, washed the truck and finished the last 2 loads of laundry finishing the day with a long hot bath, crying…crying …crying eating bad food, drinking a half bottle of wine and finding myself here.

Ok…blah, blah, blah but here is the deal. Why am I so sad. I know as much as I hate to admit it, it is partly because it is my birthday and I am getting old. As a woman age is not a glamorous thing. Men seem distinguished and experience it much more willingly. None of my friends either know or have offered to have dinner or a drink. I can’t blame them I gave no notice and now I am feeling sorry for, well ME. So I have to wonder what this is all about for me. I love my alone time but today I didn’t want to be alone even though I made every effort to be alone. I even lied to my Mother after her third call saddened that I was spending my special day alone saying I wanted to be alone and I was happy. Truth is I am not happy, tomorrow I will be I can assure you that but today I am not. Today I am lonely, sad and an emotional cry baby. I do feel this is some sort of awakening, I am hoping to have more insight by the time I finally get to bed later tonight. I can say I have found some pleasure after happening upon an old childhood favorite movie “The Sound of Music”. It brings back so many nice young feelings reminding me of how I had so much belief in love, fairy tale love I guess. I think now is a good time to cut out, I think I will go read. I know that sometimes we just need to let go in order to discover, I hope that is what this is. My desire is to learn how to live fearlessly…stay tuned!

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