OK Nashville this rain has finally gotten to me. I was feeling on top of the world for a while and now I just feel blah. A week of crappy weather and another on the way is not helping my mood. I have been unproductive all weekend and now I am feeling guilt for not doing something with all this down time. Right now in fact I feel lost with my life because it seems I am just plain bored. I am in need of some coaching, some excitement and some newness. I am tired of my diet, of my workout, of my career standing still, of my lack of money, of my lack of men and of the sameness that seems to be surrounding me these days. I am in need of work, of fun, of some sunshine and of anything that will inspire and fill me with joy. So what do we do in times like these? It is normal to go through these times but how do we pull ourselves out? This year it seems many of us are feeling this way and questioning ourselves.
On another note, I realized yesterday that even at 44 years old I am a child. My mother said something she has never said before…”Sheri, I know I don’t say it but I am proud of you” WOW that got me. I held my self until I hung up the phone and then felt like a child as I sat there crying feeling how that little sentence deeply affected me. I think as children it is the one thing we long to hear from our parents lips our entire lives and here at 44 my mother said it. This years struggles both internally, with my self confidence and with life happenings has really tested my mind. Her saying that made me feel good at first and then as if I was undeserving. After all, I have always wanted to be as successful as her, as smart with money, investing and with business. Lately I have realized that choosing the art industry as a career has resulted in arriving at a place 44 years of age that is not even close in comparison to what mom did at that age. I realize that life is not a game and that we really should not compare ourselves to others because we are individuals and with that our lives all take different paths. Still I am human and there are times I am weak. I am breathing deep and praying for some change, some guidance, something….
I know all these feelings of confusion are normal for us to experience from time to time. I know I am very fortunate because I have so much good in my life despite the occasional bad and I am grateful but sometimes I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. I hate this place I am at this week, I want to feel happier, I want to be around others who are happy but fear my negativity will bring others down. I want to inspire people not bring them down. If fact I don’t even want to put this post up but thought maybe someone out there could send me a note of inspiration to snap me out of this. I feel something is a little off inside me this week as well. I have not felt good, I am not sick but I have just felt a little sick to my stomach over the past week or so, it seems to come in waves. I believe when we are in a negative state our body reacts. In order to feel better we have to figure out in our mind what to do to change the situation. The book “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay is a great reference to me in times like these.
So, due to my current state and this sickness I am feeling in my stomach tonight I will make this post short, I will spend some time alone redirecting my thoughts, being grateful, taking action and working toward a cure for how I am feeling right now. Some sunshine sure would do me some good and if this is how Seattle really is whether wise I would never survive there. I promise by the next post I will be in a better place, this is just a small road bump and this too will pass.