I slept in today and that is not something that happens often. I actually was awake but couldn’t (for some reason) bring myself to want to get out of bed. Today is Valentines Day and all week leading up to today I have read post, received emails and talked to friends who were dreading the day’s arrival. “Love Stinks” parties and “Single Valentines” events for those sad souls who are without a partner. Those who are in relationships complaining how the hype makes the holiday expensive with limited restaurant menu’s and expensive price tags. All this stress over a day focusing on “LOVE”. Why do we really need a day to remind us to be grateful and celebrate the one or one’s we love. Everyday we should be showing love and for a day that was created for the sake of love it seems so many are stressed out and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.
I am happy today, my dad’s birthday was yesterday, this week several of my friends are celebrating their b-days and I have wonderful people I love in my life. Today I started my day with a kiss and a hug to my big white pink eared dog and a call to my mom to say happy “V” day and “I love you”. Sure, it would be great to have someone special to celebrate the occasion with and in time I will be in that place but I won’t need a “specific” day to remind me show love to that special someone, it will be shown everyday.
So I have to admit although I have been happy all week, grateful for the busy work week and looking forward to a little quiet relaxation time I have felt a little off. I have been aware of it but not sure what it was about. I avoided people all weekend and enjoyed spending time at home alone watching cheesy movies about falling in love. I often with draw, I enjoy being alone at times, I am not feeling depressed in any way so although I am not feeling sociable I feel happy overall. Perhaps I feel a little off because I am trying to use less sugar in my diet and have felt a little out of sorts over the experience and the failures at times. I though it was the reason I was feeling restless all week and having a hard time focusing.
As I become a healthier person in mind, body and spirit I am learning that often things trigger past events in our lives. That no matter how positive or happy we are there will always be times of reflection that might feel painful yet need to be experienced. I believe these events happen because we need to be reminded of who we are, where we have been and by believing that happiness lies with in our own minds we keep moving forward. These events are reminders for us to see the beauty in all things, good or bad, and to live life feeling and growing rather than being numb to the process. More often than not if we keep a positive mind set and believe these events are there to help us grow we will see something beautiful on the other side from the experience. Individually, for each of us this is our very own road of life, we make the decisions where and when to turn so we must live with where ever we end up! I choose to be happy no matter where I land.
The truth is that Todd has been on my mind a lot this week and I think maybe Valentines is the trigger. I have had some dreams of him, I have been missing him and I am sad that he is gone. I never watch tv and this week found myself watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab, connecting so much with what was happening in the episode especially with the drama. For those of you who are new to my post, Todd passed away a year and a half ago of a drug overdose. I dated him for two years prior and was unaware of his issues, after a year of dating and then moving in together I realized he had an addiction. I tried to get him help and eventually had to break up with him because I could no longer handle his addiction. It was a tough decision because I loved him dearly but I could no longer deal with the events that the drug and alcohol addiction had created in our lives, he died eight month later. I have never been into drugs, I don’t even like to take aspirin and other than drinking alcohol on occasion I prefer to feel in control of my body, my mind and my actions. I am very nieve to the habits and characteristics drugs create because I have no knowledge of what they do internally nor how they make you feel. Now days everyone seems to be taking pharmaceutical drugs….personally I think these might be worse than any of the ones I knew about when I was younger. The bottom line is that losing someone you love is tough especially when it is sudden and unexpected, it takes time to heal and although it gets easier over time things do resurface. You do repeat the grieving process and remember the person who is no longer living.
Todd has been on my mind, although I have been happy this week there has been a slight unknowing sadness or feeling of being off. I realized this morning while lying in bed that three years ago Todd had given me a beautiful saffire ring (not an engagement ring) for valentines, it was one of the most memorable and happy valentines I can remember ever having.
So here I am not sure why I am writing today but wanting to say something to lift my spirits and yours, at least those of you who may be feeling a bit down on this day of recognizing “LOVE”. What I can say is this…I am ever so grateful that even though Todd has passed I had the opportunity to love him, to be loved by him knowing he loved me the best he could in light of his addiction and realizing that in life there are no guarantees. We must remember to show our love to all those who are important to us, lovers, friends, family and even strangers. Life is a constant learning platform with up’s and downs. At times things may not seem fair, bad things do happen but the ability to think positive even when you might not be feeling it will make all the difference in your life and in being happy.
Love comes in many forms, kindness is the greatest and it is within all of us, it is free and always available to give. Today I am grateful for every single thing in my life. Thinking of all those unfortunate people in Haiti and what they are having to endure makes me that much more grateful and makes me want to give more because I have the ability to do so. Today I celebrate “Valentine Day” buy saying to all of you…those I know and those I do not, “I love you” for being who you are, for reading this and for being in my life. Sending love out to everyone….until next time! SMOOCH!!!!