This morning I was excited about a scheduled shoot but when the text came in that the subject had become sick and it would have to be postponed my mood went to great disappointment. I was looking forward to the creative day I had prepared for and I will miss the adrenaline that pumps through my body as I feel the shot happen through the lens. Like everyone else I am struggling with the economic downturn and have felt the crunch. People are not spending as much money and I am not working as much as I would like to. I am learning to live with less and realizing that maybe less is more even though at times it is uncomfortable. Because of the personal space I am in, I believe it is helping me keep a positive attitude and not fall into a deep depression as I would have if I were in the same place years ago. As an artist I have always felt I am a little different than the masses. Everything in my life is personal because I always operate from deep inside, I don’t know any other way to be and and that is also where the creativity comes from. When I get lost in the moment of creation weather for a minute or for hours, it energizes me while in the process and then drains me as if I ran a marathon. There is nothing I have found that can match that feeling when I am in it…except maybe great sex! haha
So here I am today realizing I need to strum up some work to fill in the gaps, a little concerned about the bills coming in and wishing today I could just turn it all off in my mind and create something. Worry is what I hate most about my life.Â It has always consumed me and I have tried for the past year to learn how to turn it off because it stifles my creativity. It doesn’t fix anything and accomplishes nothing. My only way of taming it is to remind myself of positive things and constantly ask for help to come my way through spirit. Writing seems to help so it is why I am here now putting down my random thoughts, wondering if anyone really reads this stuff. I know some of my friends do because often they question how I can open myself up to strangers. All I can say is I have always been an open book, I have always wanted be a writer and I believe that we help others when we share. If one post can help one person it makes me feel a step closer to my purpose here in life. Although I share many of my thoughts openly I am very private with my personal life, I do not care much about being recognized out and tend to be shy in large crowds. My ex-husband once said when he first met me he thought I was stuck-up because I did not make eye contact and had few words to share. Fact is when I am with people I know you can’t shut me up but making first connections is difficult and I tend to withdraw without a nudge from the other side.
On another note I am irritated with the news coverage of the economy. It pisses me off that they never say anything positive and have to constantly remind us of how bad things are, the exact reason I opted out of being a journalist and instead became a photographer. I think things are actually bad because they have scared people to the point of submission with their banter. That brings awareness to my understanding of energy and how it affects us every single day. Having an interest in metaphysics and believing the principals of the law of attraction I feel it is vital for us to believe things are getting better and that there is much more good available to us even through difficult times. Recently I had some spiritual friends come to my house and cleanse my space because in TG’s passing (an earlier post) I was feeling some negative overtones. Some may think all that stuff is goofy but for me it helped. Having gone through that I realized that over 80% of what I own has a past history and an energy because I seldom buy anything new. I love old stuff, I love the history it holds, the fact it is different and the reality that I am in a way recycling. I can remember sitting in my mom’s antique shop at 15, looking at the relics, from furniture to dishes of another decade thinking what history of events happened around each piece. If somehow I could reflect back in time the highlights that those antique pieces experienced, I am sure there were many that would play out like a Hollywood screenplay. Those experiences along with my vast imagination are a big part of who I am today.
So as I move forward to see what my day holds I offer a few words of encouragement. When you are feeling let down or worried about what you don’t have….open your eye’s. Look around at what do you have, chances are you have a lot and if you really pay attention to that, you will find gratitude. As my mother has often said, there is always someone out there much worse off than you, be thankful for what you DO have. Life is rich through love, family and friends…not with stuff. If you get caught up in the hype you are operating from the outside and just focusing on material things that will never bring happiness. Something as simple as a smile in the direction of a stranger has the potential of changing ones life and the belief that it is so is even more powerful. If you are grateful for what you have and surround yourself with people who love you, you will realize the greatest gift in life comes from inside and radiates out.