Well here it is the long awaited blog, and it is long…thanks to all of you who have emailed me such kind words telling me how these touch, you it means more than you know. It is the only reason I am still here. Well, where do I start, I am not sure. I will just let my mind go and lets see where we end up. I can’t promise it will be some prolific life lesson but I will promise it will be honest. Sometimes I reread what I have posted in the past and I wonder who it was that put the words there on the page. How can I be so insightful but so fucked up? If only I could learn from my words, if I would just pay attention to them, put them in action after I write them down and live by them. I will be honest and say that many times the words fall out of my mind and onto the page with out me even thinking of them. Sometimes it is as if someone is speaking through me and I am the delivery person. Looking back on “Truth” and seeing where I am now 9 months later honestly is not very flattering. That post was written with lots of confusion, anger and fear, I had caught my live in boyfriend cheating with a past cheat…if that makes sense. Still I let him stay and now finally I believe I am strong enough to let this one go. You can’t change a leopards spots…as they say. Truth is I knew it from the start, so why did I keep it going punishing myself, wollering in the hurt and believing because it is all I know of relationships there would be nothing better anyway.
Over the past months I have come to realize that like everyone else, I am a victim of life. If I can find quiet within my mind for a time I am able to see what I like and what I don’t and gain the desire to change, then like the switch of a tv channel my mind races back into overload and I cant focus on what is really important because I am back in the race. Deep down I know what is right for me and what I need but once again that feeling of being stuck, of fearing what it would take to change, all the work and then what if so its back in the race….we all do it! In our own minds we feel more comfortable being uncomfortable. Just saying it you can see how stupid it is. How can making changes for good reasons be harder than staying where you are for bad reasons? I can’t believe it is harder only that it is comfortable, it is what we are used to. Changing creates fear and that is why we have such a hard time doing it. I am realizing now at 41 that if I don’t take the initiative to make something happen I will be stuck with my bad “Truths”. All those things I am angry at myself for not doing, or for doing for the wrong reasons will never go away. No matter what I do or where I go they will follow me, knowing that I can see I have a choice. I can stay comfortable being uncomfortable or I can be uncomfortable and face my fears, hope that I do better the next time and learn from what I did wrong the last time.
As time passes by I feel tired, the wind has been let out of my sail and I have been at a stand still, STUCK. I am starting to see that the reason I am so tired is not my age but my choices, and the reason for my choices is because I am in the race and that is life. If I care about myself and I truly want change for good reasons I have to learn how to stop and find the quiet in my mind so I can think clearly. Then I have to commit to making that quiet a part of my regular schedule, like going to the gym or eating dinner. If I don’t commit to making it a regular part of my life I will get right back in the race and loose sight of everything good that I hoped for while thinking clearly. It sounds so simple but when you throw in a relationship, work, a social life, family and friends it gets complicated and time becomes less available. As a creative person I am seeing that the quiet not only helps me think clearly with my choices but it also helps with my creativity.
Now back to the part about caring about myself. I am a codependent, compliant, non responsive person who takes more pride helping others than myself. I have always tried harder to make others happy before myself because I did not want to be selfish. Only problem is that by being that person I have neglected my happiness and if I am not happy first how can I expect to have happy relationships or a happy life…it doesn’t happen through someone else, it has to start with me! So realizing all of this over the past 9 months I can see what has to be done.
1)I have to get happy with myself, I have to eliminate the negative things that I know right now are not good for my well being and I need to replace them with positive things.
2)I have to commit to finding quiet so that I can make clear choices based on my needs, that’s not selfish it is healthy.
3)I have to put it all into motion and not say without doing, this is the hardest one because this is where the fear comes in.
4)I have to dream, to think of all the great things I have available to me and to open my mind. I need to see that there are so many possibilities for me I could never run out of new things to try and each thing has the potential to help make my quality of life better.
5)Finally, I have to believe and my believing can not happen without having some sort of connection with spirit, a connection and belief that there is a higher power and this is not all in vain. That this is only the beginning of a beautiful journey.
So there are my thoughts for now. Yes I am reading a lot of books and I am surrounding myself with wonderful friends. I am also doing things for me, a lot of things and by doing so I am seeing so many possibilities. To me those translate into hope, without hope what do we really have? For now I feel good, we all have bad days and I am sure there are some up ahead especially with some of the choices I am making but I am positive and motivated to live a better life, to stop beating myself up so I am trying. Let me know your thoughts…I would love to hear from you, just don’t ask me for a date!