I”ve been sad and grumpy all week! So much so I have avoided people the best I can because I hate passing along negative energy to others and I don’t want people to feel like they need to avoid me. I am feeling really ADD right now, I’ve been anxious all week and here are some of my random thoughts…
I guess we all have our moments of sadness and/or irritation and mine seems to be now. It was a year ago the 23rd that I broke it off with Todd, I would have never thought he would not be living a year later. My GF lost her Mom last week to a heart attack and although I never met her I have cried on and off at the thought of her loss and with the thought of her dealing with it. I have also been thinking about my Mom a lot and how much I love her. Work has been stressful. I have had a ton of bids but am finding things are changing in my business with the economy the way it is. People are wanting more for less and I am wondering how much I can do before it no longer feels worth having my own business with the overhead.
I want to be a REAL artist and each day that becomes more clear to me. My friends say that I am but I still struggle with what an artist truly is. I don’t want to be the starving kind but the one that galleries fight over. I dream about owning an old 2 story building on Charlotte where I have a huge open space with tall ceilings and lots of window light up stairs to create BIG art. Below is a small gallery and a space someone else leases as a coffee shop. I am not just an artist but I am a photographer and a writer…some how I am able to make it all work together. I can see it all so clearly…but how do I get there. How do I get people to want to buy my work? What is no one wants to, what if it is not good enough. I want to sell my work and make a good living, do I have what it takes to do that?
I have never enjoyed celebrating my birthday, this year with the help and encouragement of some close girl friends I am taking a step forward, having a celebration for myself and embracing my age. It is not easy for me but perhaps necessary. I am unsure of what men feel inside with the aging process but as a woman I have felt challenged. Especially with the younger, beautiful girlfriends I have in my life. When I was younger I had older friends and they all said I acted more mature than my age, now most of my friends are younger and say I don’t look or act my age. Hmmm, I wonder what happened over the years? So tomorrow around 7pm the festivities will begin. My friend is making me his special….summertime punch. Another friend is making her famous RUM cake, in lieu of gifts people are bringing munchies and drink. I hope that it will stay warm long enough for us all to enjoy the deck and I am really looking forward to my friends playing some music later in the evening. I have some of the nicest, coolest and inspiring friends I have ever had in my life, I am truly blessed. I am not looking forward to being the B-day girl but I am looking forward to having great company around me on Saturday night. I have 45 RSVP’s so does that mean 20 will come? That is a lot for my little house.
Do you ever just want to have someone to make out with, nothing more just kissing…ok so that was a random thought but being single often leaves one thinking about things. Especially when your other single friends are out doing these things. I don’t even have anyone I want to make out with, that is the sad part.
So here is where I wrap it all up with something other than rambling, something that makes it worth your reading this far. I know that despite my wrinkles, my dryer skin and the fact that men just don’t look at me like they used to, I do feel more confident in my own skin. I have no regrets for any of my past decisions because I know it all brought me to where I am right now. I am happier now, even with what has happened in the last year, I am a happier person. I might not have started off that way the beginning of this week or in the beginning of this blog but now, right now I am feeling happy. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, no debt, good health, a puppy that makes me smile every day, an incredible family and beautiful friends. I am sooo blessed. In the morning I head to a couples house to take some pics, a personal project I am working on to keep me creative and motivated in these slow times. Tomorrow night I will celebrate.Â On Monday (my actual birthday) I will report back about all these things and even share some pictures. Happy Birthday to me!!!