Today as I as I was headed downtown to show my portfolio I was hit with the song “You Found Me” by the the Fray. It was in that few minutes I had the realization I still have a lot of healing to do. I actually remember hearing another song of theirs called “How To Save A Life” nearly a year ago on an episode of scrubs I watched with Todd. It resonated then to our situation, it made me sad because he was so far gone into a sad and depressed state then, but this song…it rips my heart apart. With his passing and the manner in which it happened every lyric of that song now haunts me. I thought I had moved forward a little but now I realize that the healing is going to take a while maybe a long while, I am unsure, this was not just a break up it was a death.
I recently allowed my self to return to the dating scene, I have enjoyed the company but wonder if my resistance to move to fast shows. I am cautious, I am being careful, I don’t think I am very warm at times, I feel a little withdrawn, I am not really interested in being touched, I believe I am being smart and patient! I want to get to know someone, to spend time, to laugh but from my experience so far it seems men want to move fast, they want to touch right away, is it just a sex thing? Are women really being like the girls on sex and the city these day’s and jumping in the sack after only a few dates? I often wonder if I am an old soul or perhaps just a romantic dreamer hoping the love of my life falls in love with who I am first rather than obsessing about how I am in bed. Maybe it is that I just have not met the right date…one I actually have chemistry with. Men are definitely visual and seem to be ok with a woman if she is attractive even if there is nothing they have in common. I am different, I find myself wanting more than a pretty face, needing some connection to even have an interest no matter how hot a guy is. When TG and I first broke up I admit I went on a few spontaneous dates more so because I knew he was and I had hoped it would ease my mind some, that wonderful breakup syndrome we go through in the beginning. But when a guy wants to grab my tit on the 2nd date or makes a similar impression I am totally turned off. If there are any guys who actually read this….sex changes things, we all know that. I am not looking for just a sex partner, at least not right now (although at times the thought does sound interesting). The few dates I have been on were either to that extreme or just made me feel as if the idea of more than 2-3 dates of getting to know me on a personal level not a physical one was more than the date could handle. Turned off, you better believe it! Maybe now I have a bad attitude toward men in general, whatever the case I am happy right where I am. If I meet someone and there is an interest on each end then I am up for the start of the process. If it takes a quick turn and I get turned off then that is that. If however there is a spark, we have a lot in common and we laugh a lot, I think there is potential.
I am for the first time in my adult life completely comfortable with being single. I can take care of myself, I don’t have a lingering loneliness, I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel complete, I don’t need someone to validate me and I am not sitting around waiting. I am living my life, doing things I love to do, making new friends and loving the life I have created. If the right guy comes along…and I know someday he will, he will NOT complete me because I know I have already done that! But he will compliment my life, he will make me smile when I think about him, he will laugh with me and be open with his thoughts. I will be proud to talk about him to my friends and I know that he loves me for who I am not only on the outside but who I am on the inside! Keep laughing those of you who doubt, I have seen it and I believe, life is short and there is still so much more to do, why not be patient and happy!