Thinking Diva

Over a week ago I spent time with my family in Ocala and some time in Orlando dealing with some personal things (from what I often refer to as my “past life”). I had several days of steady driving to reflect on my life, where I’ve been, where I am, who I was and who I am now. I started thinking that if we face our fear, allow ourselves to take big steps rather than small ones and challenge ourselves, results can happen so much faster than taking baby steps. They can also be positive or negative but the important thing is how we deal with the outcome. We have to take accountability that WE make our own choices and those choices pave the road to where we end up. I took some extremely BIG steps 11 years ago and it led me to the happy place I am today.

It is hard for me to believe sometimes how different the person staring at me in the mirror was 10 years ago compared to the one staring back at me now. When I think back I do not like the person I was. I was selfish, unkind, self-absorbed, dishonest, ego oriented and negative. I built my career on drive, appeared to connect with others but did not allow others inside my heart. I felt that vulnerability made people weak, that being vulnerable would not allow me to have the success I wanted because I knew the only way for me to succeed was to stay completely focused on the carrot no matter what. Not allowing my self to be vulnerable also kept me from allowing real love into my life which also made me an un-loving person.

As I age I continue to learn what this journey of life has presented to me. The reality of my past is apparent in all of what I am today, I am the only one who can truly take the responsibility for past decisions, there can be no blame towards anyone else. Yes, other people do bad things at times but I allowed those people into my life in most cases and had a choice weather or not to do so. My mindset, coming from a small town, when I was younger was that I was going to be different, I was going to be something big for the people in that small town to admire, to relish. There was a lot of wealth there and I did not come from it so I felt I had something to prove. I worked my ass off, worked many different jobs but always pushed for that career as an artist. I never did any thing I would regret, never allowed myself to make a hasty decision for the sake of advancing in my career. Being a woman made it much harder, I had to prove myself, I had to work twice as hard and I had to work in a male dominant world with the odds against me. When my life came to a sudden halt in 2001 due to my decision for change I had gone from a small town girl with nothing to a self made woman with what appeared to be the perfect husband, the perfect home in the perfect neighborhood. We had boats, cars and lots of toys and most were due to my success. I took trips, traveled, had big parties and I felt at that point in my life I had made it to the level of where I had strived to be, I had reached my mountain top. What I didn’t realize is that all those things that I thought mattered we’re superficial. I awoke one day with everything I thought I ever wanted yet felt as lost and empty as I had the day I graduated from high school. I felt lonely at the top of that mountain and after looking at my life realized I was living a superficial existence. Everything on the outside that people saw looked perfect just as I had wanted but on the inside my life was filled with sadness, unhappiness and pain. All that stuff meant nothing.

Today those early decisions are why I have no kids, why I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 10 years, why I feel sometimes like I missed out on those life things most people either brag about or take for granted. Family, kids, unconditional love, the understanding that something outside of yourself is more important, being there for others and giving back rather than always thinking of yourself.

In that week I spent in Florida I learned that a friend who had passed was hurt by some decisions I had made back in that selfish time. I was so self absorbed in “ME” that I failed to realize I never sat down and talked with her of the details directly related to my decisions that negatively affected her. Today I am struggling with things that went unsaid to a friend I loved dearly who is now in heaven. It sucks to know I can’t sit her down, look her in the eye’s and talk to her, tell her how much she means to me and that I am sorry. There is some relief from the call I made 2 years ago with an apology when I learned of her heart bypass, but at the time I wasn’t aware of what she didn’t know about my earlier decisions so the apology had to have felt a bit shallow to her. What ever the case I can take back time and it saddens me. All I can do is believe that she hears me now and understands.

So why am I sharing this with you all? Over the years I have said over and over again to tell the ones you love that you love them, to forgive those who have hurt you and to realize that our time is limited so be sure you have no regrets. I still believe in all of those things but now have the apprehension that sometimes we may not realize that others may be living with a different understanding of something from our past. We may never learn such things exist but if we do somehow gain insight to this kind of discrepancy as I did on my recent trip we must have to ability to forgive ourselves  in a loving way. Although I am struggling with this now I know in time aIl will be ok with what I  have learned even if I can’t change anything now. We are human, we are not perfect but when we allow ourselves to live in a loving way, even when we stumble we have the potential through sharing to teach others from our mistakes. That is really why I am here, why each time I share openly and why I hope those of you who do read know I want my words to make you think about yourselves and open your heart accordingly. These words are really no longer about me but a reference to think about the possibilities for you. My goal is merely to make you think. Sending love out to all of you….pass it on!

It is amazing how your heart can actually hurt in your chest when you are missing someone. This weekend I feel like I am living with the ghost of my past and I am trying to figure out the message all of this sadness is supposed to be teaching me. The loss of three extremely important people over the last several years, two just last year, has taught me a lot about life, it has reminded me to be grateful for the time shared, for the wonderful memories, for what I have now and to be sure to tell those I love that I LOVE them every chance I get. So why is it I continue to grieve sometimes many years later, why do I still feel so lonely and hurt so deep?

I am beginning to feel like grieving is triggered by difficult things that I am dealing with while living out my life. The memories of those who have left us is a reminder to smile because of our time spent with them but the deep void of not having them here can make us feel extremely lonely. These three musketeers are killing me this weekend. One was a best friend from my past life, one was the love of my life and the other a recent best friend. People I shared my deepest feelings with because the trust was so strong I never felt vulnerable. Perhaps I am feeling lonely right now because I don’t have anyone in my life I feel as close to as I did with them.

It takes time, love and compassion to gain complete trust in a best friend. It also takes knowing that in a moment that person would drop everything to be there for you if you needed them to be. Knowing that they would alway be the first to answer or return a call or text because they loved you. The kind of best friend you can tell anything too, who knows when something is bothering you without you saying a word. The kind of friend who can be brutally honest with you and you understand their honesty is to help you because you know they care so much. This is different than family because you share selectively with family. I’m not saying that I don’t have wonderful close friends here for me now because I do but I feel a void in that I don’t have that one person who I feel that complete trust with and that is where the sadness and loneliness is coming from. I’m sure a big part of that is also missing them, not being able to hear their voice or having the ability to just hug them.

This weekend I got a phone call from Wes, the boyfriend of 16 years to my best friend “Victoria”from my past life in Florida, she passed away last summer. I knew in time he and I would talk, I wanted it to happen, looked forward to it but dreaded it at the same time. For those of you who know me well you know that my past is littered with bad decisions, that I was in a verbally abusive relationship that was becoming physical and that I left that all behind in the dark of night leaving no trace of where I had gone to many. It was an extremely difficult decision and sadly it did not only effect me but others that I cared deeply about, Victoria was one. When I left I was sure I shared with her the details of what was going on in my life, she was upset with me because we were not only friends but shared a commercial space so my decision to leave changed her life as well. Our relationship during my time of preparation was tarnished and it hurt me deeply, I couldn’t figure out why my best friend didn’t understand my decision for the sake of my well being. On Saturday my conversation with Wes brought much more light to the situation than I had known, I now realize that I was so ingulfed in my world during that time, exhausted from the drama, embarrassed by the situation and with drawn on so may levels that I never clearly shared with her like a good friend does in detail what my reasons were for leaving. I failed in that regard and finding out now, knowing how confused she was with my decision and how badly I hurt her is an eye opener, especially because she is gone and I can’t have that conversation with her now. Two years ago when I found out she had to have a triple bi-pass I let go of my ego and called her to tell her I loved her and I was sorry for anything I had done in the past that had hurt her, I told her that I missed our friendship and I hoped she would forgive me. She did and today I am extremely grateful I made that call. I was not aware of the details I discovered yesterday when I made that call two years ago but I feel better knowing she forgave me especially hearing Wes say she was happy and relieved after my call.

We learn so much about ourselves in time after decisions and actions are made. Strange how we all preceive things differently, it reminds me how our view of the world is all so different. I find comfort with who I have become since starting my life over ten years ago, I am a very different person than I was back then. I think Victoria would have loved me more for the person I am today. Dina and Todd knew me as my new self, I have no regrets with them because I was able to share myself in a more muture state, openly and with complete honesty. I hope that even though I told them how much I loved them when they were alive, my actions convinced them of their importance in my life.

God sure has a way of stirring it all up sometimes, in the end I guess it only makes us better if we are feeling it, processing it and being grateful for the lesson no matter how much it hurts. The past few years have me thinking about heaven a lot. There is a curiosity there that keeps me enguaged and has taken the fear out of death, not only for myself but for those I love. It is humorous to me the vision I now have created in my own mind of those three different personalities, those three musketeers looking down on me, having all the answers now and smiling while enjoying the view. It is comforting believing that we will all eventually be together in the end enjoying that view when it is our time to go!

In closing I hope that my sharing might remind us all to be more honest with ourselves and others while we have the chance. We don’t always see things the same and we have to realize that conflict often is from mis-communication not necessarily anger, anger is more the result of ego. We also have to learn to let go of the past, forgive not only others but ourselves and allow the goodness that comes with surrendering to take over our emotions. Sending love to all of you, pass it on…

Sunday morning I went to the greenway with Big D and took along my new Apple Nano. When I added music from my iTunes library instead of being specific I chose several of the “Genius” mixes that iTunes created for me. As we began our walk I hit play and was completely surprised to hear a familiar yet very old melody. The first song was an oldie by Jim Croce, he was by far one of my favorites as a child. His songs seemed to speak to me even though many of them had lyrics I really didn’t understand because of my age. As I listened I felt a rush of calmness yet sadness run through me. I tried to evaluate my emotions, it was the reflection back to my childhood and that missing part of me, the innocence, the curiosity with everything around me and the lack of knowing what life teaches us as an adult. We don’t have the same worries or desires as a child and it reminded me of the simple times. I grew up in a very remote area on a lake, my best friends were God and nature and I spent much of my time alone entertaining myself with bugs, leaves, water and anything else that was available in the great outdoors. I also wrote my feelings down all of the time, I was a deeply reflective and thoughtful child. We change as we grow older,we become what we surround ourselves around but I also believe that the core of who we are is based on what we experienced from the age of 3-10 years old and how we processed all that happened in that time. As I listened to the song I smiled at how it made me feel inside, pure goodness.

The next song was Pat Benatar, memories of my first car, driving with the music loud and singing at the top of my lungs. Then Maroon 5…I remembered everything I missed and loved about TG. The sadness, his struggle, the way he touched me, his smile and how he died. As the walk went on and the music shuffled through song after song I was introduced to others from my past, some are no longer alive, I was reminded of different things within myself. With every word and melody that trickled through my headset, each song made me feel something deeply embedded inside.

Music has always been an important part of my life, I listen to the lyrics and the ones that become my favorite are usually because I can relate to what is being said…other times it is just a great melody and it makes me feel good. I believe that music is the universal language because even if we don’t understand what is being said we can still connect. Sunday’s walk reminded me that there are memories deeply hidden with in us that reflect our life journey. If you are like me and choose to find goodness in even the bad times then when sadness hits you, your choose to feel, accept and smile knowing that those experiences made you who you are today. If you love yourself that will bring a smile to your face. Memories are a true gift from God in my opinion and I am still amazed at how many are tucked away just waiting to come out. There is something so beautiful in knowing that out of nowhere you can be reminded of something from your past.

When I got home I had a knock on my door. It seems that music inspired a friend to stop by my house because the song she heard on the radio on the way home from church reminded her of me…even though the first time we heard the song at the same time was when she played it for me, it enticed me to create a ringtone from it. Since that ringtone was created that song reminds several others of me now, interesting how we relate odd things to events or people in our lives!

As I leave you let me offer you a chance to stir up your emotions and actually feel something deep inside. Pull out that old photo album, or box of old pictures and take a look. Set your iPod or iTunes library to shuffle and feel what each song has the ability to create for you. The opportunity to allow an old memory to resurface will stir your soul and remind you that you are still alive. That ability to feel something that deep might upset you, make you laugh or make you mad but it is the emotion of those FEELINGS that often break the monotony and numbness of living our lives on autopilot. Those emotions that old memories stir up might actually teach you something about yourself! Sending love out to all of you…pass it on!

Once again we are at the end of a year and facing the beginning of a new one. For what ever reason I always get excited about the possibilities that lie ahead this time of year and with that excitement I like to make list of what I want to achieve and experience moving forward. I have always been a deep thinker and I love making list of goals and day dreaming of what is possible. As we enter the new year many of us reflect back to what happened in the past year good or bad. I have had some bad in regards to friends passing, storm damage and unfortunate happenings that resulted in a non extant bank balance at times but I choose not to focus on those things. They happen, they are a part of life and I want to take all things good or bad and focus on what those experiences gave me not what they took away from me. Negative things DO happen, life is like that but when you choose to focus on only the positive, you move through “things” quicker and that enhances your quality of life.

So with the new year quickly approaching here is my list so far:

-come out of the closet….as a mixed media artist! My friends have known for years of my artistic endeavors and how I have been giving my art to charity and as gifts. I have not publicly marketed or shown my work as an artist and I have hopes of extending my creative career with additional income doing this in 2012!

-learn how to weld by taking a welding class, yep I have wanted this for years but I hope this will be the year I finally learn, I want to be able to make table legs and lamps after learning how to throw fire from a torch!

-look into the possibilities of re-launching “ReTune Nashville” as a non-profit 501c3 that helps raise money for inner city schools art and music programs. This has been in the back of my mind since ReTune Nashville was launched as a flood relief project. I have a teaching background and understand the politics and lack of budget available for these programs and I truly believe that  music and art can help those students who are not doing well academically. Imagine the possibilities we could create for underprivileged kids by giving them a reason to feel self worth through art and music. Imagine a non profit that also allows those who contribute to have a platform to share their talents with the world. This is not just a platform about giving to help, it is helping and being showcased as a mentor for artistic and musical talent. It is about giving back and becoming an inspiration to others. I have a vision and pray that God will bring the people into my life who have the strengths to make this a reality!

-offer a workshop to people wanting to know how to take better pictures and how to use imagery to promote themselves in the world of social media. Working on the logistics now, hoping I have the appeal and value to offer others inspiration and knowledge to improve their visibility!

-continue meeting and making new friends who inspire me through positivity!

- continue writing about my personal experiences in a way that inspires others to be more loving to themselves and to others. My hope is to motivate others to be happier in their lives through positive thinking!

-date more…have fun dating and enjoy the pursuit of flirtation that it creates!

-and of course the one thing on the list every year…work out and lose those few extra pounds, my new “Move’s Like Jagger” plan has great potential!

I still have a few days left to add to this list but I also want to reflect on how 2011 has enriched my life. The hurdles I have experienced and what will stand out most as my greatest memories from the year.

-the most important thing 2011 has given to me is the gift of love and wonderful friendships. I am extremely grateful for the beautiful friends I have in my life, how those relationships grew this year and how love has multiplied all around me due to those wonderful relationships.

-I am blessed to have had a better year in business than the past few years due to the economy, I was able to pick up some big accounts including the Cracker Barrel and feel so blessed to be doing what I love and getting paid for it.

-I am grateful for all the volunteers, sponsors and support of so many people through out Nashville who helped make “ReTune Nashville” so successful. I am proud that all of our hard work was able to raise $ 65,000.00 to help musicians and songwriters who were directly affected by the flood of 2010. It was a one year labor of love and commitment and by far the most gratifying thing I have ever been a part of in this lifetime.

-I lost two very important friends…a best friend from my past life in Orlando, Florida Victoria Bowen died from heart issues at the age of 51 and one of my best friends Dina D’Gerolamo passed away in September, she was my age, we had similar backgrounds and I felt a connection to her like a family member. Although I miss them both so much I know they are in a better place and I am so honored to have had the chance to have had their friendship while they were alive, I will cherish those memories for a lifetime!

So with that I am done for now with my pondering….I am curious what your new year has in store. Please feel free to share with me your list! One last thing I want to hope for in the new year, I hope that every single one of you out there choose to enhance your life with love this year. Love toward others, love for something you enjoy doing, love for your family, love for what you eat, love for who you spend time with, love for where you go, love for what you share, love in all your judgement, love in the words that leave your mouth, love in forgiveness, and most of all love for your self. If we all put a little more effort into “LOVE” I believe the world will be a better place, one baby step at a time. And with that I hope you will spread the word of “Love”, I will continue working on my art series “Love Is…” and wishing you all love from the bottom of my goofy, humble, grateful, open, touched heart, pass it on!

I awoke from a dream the other morning in a panic. I had dreamed that I was invited to a Christmas party, everyone there was dressed up with dates including all my ex boyfriends and I was the only one who showed up alone. In the dream I left and started calling all of the hot guys I knew trying to find one to meet me so I didn’t feel so alone but no one could come. In that moment I awoke and I had a sickening feeling in the bottom of my stomach, I was sad, embarrassed and lonely all in that instant. It was as if I was a character in one of those cheesy love stories I have enjoyed watching most of my life, you know the ones…

-the woman who is always with the cheater

-the woman who gets dumped for a prettier or younger woman

-the woman who works too much so no one is interested

-the woman who is too shy, geeky or different and no one wants her

-the woman who’s friends and family say she needs to be married but she cant find a good man

During the holidays when we don’t have family around, friends available and/or we lack a partner to share our time with we may feel lonelier than normal. We have all been in a lonely place at some point in our lives, male or female and often we allow our thoughts to reflect negatively towards ourselves in those times of loneliness. As humans we all want to have a partner to share our love with and when that is not in our lives we sometimes feel inadequate.

I believe that women are generally more sensitive and often more insecure than most men. We tend to treat ourselves terrible with negative self-talk and often that shows outwardly as insecurity especially when we are single. There are a lot of single gals here in Nashville and based on the conversations I have had over the years many of them feel like damaged goods. They can’t figure out why they can’t find a guy or why they always get the guys who are not so perfect for them. There are a lot of women who have never been married and feel they are missing out on something. Some who wanted children yet never quite found the guy that was right for that path. I have come to learn through conversations with my guy friends that women are not always alone in these feelings. As humans we judge ourselves much harder than others and often give off that energy of insecurity. We take our negative experiences with past partners, hold on to the hurt and eventually believe that all partners will be this way. Sometimes these uncomfortable internal feelings can make us treat others in a negative way because of our fear of being hurt. Wether we are hurting others or being hurt the cost of carrying that around is negative and will continue to have negative consequences with our happiness if we don’t learn how to let go of the negativity and change the pattern.

I believe that we attract the energy we are offering in life depending on where we are in our thinking at any given time. It may sound silly but I believe if we can learn to accept ourselves, do a little work to get and keep our mindset in a positive state we will have healthier people come into our lives. This is true with not only companionship but with all relationships. If we allow things to happen keeping a positive outlook rather than passing judgement and allowing our past experiences to resurface we will attract better experiences into our lives. The amount of power we have over our thoughts allows us to change the reoccurring negative things along our life path. I know this is true because I have met people in my life who are always genuinely happy and positive and their lives seem to continue to stay on a positive path because of their attitude not because they are lucky!

These day’s the most important thought I have when facing new opportunities is “am I happy, will this make me happy or is this a positive path that will allow me to feel good”. By allowing these thoughts to occur when facing something I am unsure of I offer myself the opportunity of awareness, not repeat behavior. When I am feeling good and make others feel good it makes me feel even better about myself. I am not saying that I always take the right path but by reminding myself of what is important and being aware of those things as they are happening I feel I am making better choices. No more auto pilot…auto pilot gives me the quickest result not the most beautiful route!

I am sure that this dream signifies something in my own life that I need to look deeper into but I am unsure what exactly that might be. I have gone a year being single and enjoying the fun that it brings. I really have not cared wether I had a date or not because I have enjoyed my time of discovery with in myself and the fun flirting can be with men I have an interest in. I was not consciously making an effort to BE single I just haven’t felt a need or desire to put the effort into anyone. I spent the year looking within my self, doing what I wanted for ME, finding fun things to do and surrounding myself with people who make me happy. I buried myself in charity work, in personal work, in art and learning how to be spiritual alone-just me and my higher power. I revisited my past decisions, forgave the other person, considered the lessons learned, accepted I had a choice in those situations, forgave myself and let go. Some of those past experiences were tough and have continued to re-surface but I am making progress. Allowing myself to forgive, take accountability and letting go sometimes requires revisiting, reworking and redirecting how to take the negative and fill it with something positive. We are human and because of our egos some issues at hand are more difficult to overcome. If we are holding on to anger because someone did something that truly was wrong and unkind we think we feel better playing the victim but carrying that weight will have some negative affect on any relationship moving forward. We will feel complete and eventually happier if we  allow ourselves to feel the hurt, be humble, forgive and let go.

It’s funny after I awoke from that strange dream feeling sad, in the next minute I started laughing because in every one of those silly movies the woman always finds true love. I know I will find it when I am ready and when I do it will be better than any love I have had in the past because with every day that passes I am becoming a better person. With that I know I will attract a healthy, loving and beautiful person into my life! While I am on this journey I am reminded daily of how wonderful love is even if it excludes a partner. Love is always available, I have beautiful loving friends and a loving family so I am not lacking by any means.

If you are out there questioning your worth, feeling insecure and thinking you are not worthy of love remember we are ALL worthy, we are all human and we all sometimes need to take a closer look at how we are treating ourselves. If you are feeling alone because you do not have a partner stop and believe that finding that person can be just as fun as having them. In that moment if you can accept and believe you are a wonderful and loving person deserving of love, and I promise you are, you will be that much closer to finding a loving partner because it has to start on the inside first! Love yourself and watch what shows up all around you! Wishing you all a happy holiday and as always sending love…pass it on!

Who am I?  This is a question I have been asking myself since I was a little girl and not once have I ever truly been able to say who I am, maybe because it always ends up being what I am. Is there a difference between what we are and who we are, I think so. Often when I think I have defined myself I insert those thoughts of what I think others might add and at that moment I become something else.

The person I am today is a very different person from who I was ten years ago. Although I don’t care too much for that earlier person the core of who I am was always there. Back then I was too caught up in the outside world, always worried about what others thought of me and I often acted for the sake of appearing to be what others wanted. I was judgmental, materialistic, insecure, irritated, unhappy and I complained a lot. I did not love who I was and I couldn’t be happy with that lack of self love in my life. It took my life falling apart, my choosing a new direction and making many, many mistakes to change that insecure lonely person. Most importantly it took losing many loved ones, learning gratitude and making a conscious effort to forgive, forget and let go of my past.

I listened to a Sunday service this morning online titled “The Secret of Life” and it opened my eyes to something about myself I didn’t even know. Every time I catch myself thinking about wanting to change things on the outside and choose to work on changing things within myself first…I evolve. I believe we are constantly evolving based on our choices in life and our attitude to how we handle those choices. If we can say with out any hesitation who we are we no longer have something to work towards and time will not allow that to happen.

If I say who I am the truth is it will be my own vision of me, others around me may have a different vision of who they think I actually am. Pondering this makes me want to reach out and have all of you who know me share who you believe me to be. If I have to say it myself I would say this:

I am a woman who believes that kindness and love towards others AND myself makes me a better person. I am sincere, honest, hopeful, weird, geeky at times, goofy, creative, inspired by positivity, open minded, intuitive, inquisitive, sometimes lazy, always laid back, and I care deeply about those in my life. Sometimes I can be insecure about how I look, about how I sometimes act and about what I create. I am uncomfortable in crowds and in front of people especially speaking or singing. I believe I can be inspiring, that I have something to say, that the more I say out loud with passion the better I get at sharing and the better I feel.

So if this is what I believe to be “Who I  Am” or perhaps “What I Am” what does it say about where my life is headed? I think that we all want something, we are all striving towards something in life but with all that we have going on the busyness sometimes shields the truth of what we see. Ok so this is getting a bit deep but what if what we are inside is somehow related to what we have around us. If we lack integrity are the people we hang out with lacking integrity too. Do you notice that when groups of girls or guys hang out they seem to dress alike, to act alike, to be interested in the same things? Well perhaps if we want something different we need to consider that what we do mirror’s what we get, or what we experience. If this is so then consider the possibilities we have within our grasp.

Right now I want to start thinking from a different place. In previous post I have spoke about wanting and needing change because I feel bored. I think it might be time for me to go with in and rather than asking who am I and what do I want perhaps I need to start deciding who I want to be. If I begin to model the new me I believe that new stuff I want will follow close behind. I am excited about the possibilities because they are what ever I want them to be. I look forward to this new way of thinking and what will become on the outside from what I first become on the inside.

I now believe that what I become with in my own heart eventually becomes all that is around me. Rather than me wanting something outside of myself first I will work on what I want within me and I will begin to see that is all that surrounds me. We have to become an example of anything we want in our lives before it can come to be what is in our lives. I know that if I want to get more I need to do more, if I want to be loved I need to love more, if I want great people in my life I have to be a great person to be around, I believe I get out of life what I put into it…I choose to think independently, to work with passion, to strive to be happy everyday, to be kind, to see without judgement, to inspire others when I can, I love blindly and love everyone. I do these things because I know that I feel better and I am becoming a better person by living this way. In time the world around me will mirror these things. The world isn’t waiting for me to catch up, time is marching by and I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what I am confronted with in life. These things are helping me to evolve into a life I love.

In closing I ask you to take some time and contemplate these questions for yourself, “Who am I? What Am I? and Who Do I Want To Be”? I am here ready to listen if you want to share but my hope is that you will become as excited as I am right now about how much possibility is within your very own grasp.  Lets evolve by taking the first step together. Sending love to you all…..

Recently something happened that I am still trying to process. It feels as if that little insecure girl came back out of no where in a split second and has lingered restlessly for more than a week now. I make an effort to go to mixers each week to meet people in hopes of drumming up new business opportunities. At a recent event I ran into someone I vaguely knew, there was a group of us around and I was chatting about something when this person made a goofy reference to my speech impediment (lisp) like the first graders in grade school used to do. It only lasted a split second, I acted as if I did not hear it, finished my conversation and moved on. It didn’t seem apparent that anyone noticed the reference or my discomfort but in that moment everything I felt in grade school came back to me full fold as if it were yesterday. Most of you who know me have noticed my lisp, it is very evident when I speak and I am full aware of it, it is something I really struggled with as a child. It only affects me when I allow it to in my own mind, I have a choice. It comes to my attention from time to time but with age I have learned it is just one of those things I accept as a gift to be different. While I don’t enjoy seeing myself on camera and hated being interviewed numerous times by the media when ReTune Nashville was in full force, I accept this flaw and usually do not allow it to affect me personally. So why did this silly little incident resonate within me in such a way?

As a child my speech impediment was very hard to deal with (referenced in the earlier 3/2/10 Thinking Diva post). It made me feel different, it made me stand out and kids were often brutal when it came to embarrassing me around others, I was different and they wanted to be sure that I knew it. What we don’t realize when we are young is that being different is not a bad thing, that judgement by others shouldn’t matter and that often those differences cause us to be stronger, more motivated and successful people because we work harder despite our misgivings. I feel as if my experiences with these unkind kids as a child made me tougher on the outside even though on the inside I was insecure and sad. I don’t remember talking to my parents as a kid about these issues and I don’t recall ever sharing my sadness with any of my friends. I believe this is the normal way we deal with painful things as children because we don’t want to bring any more attention to the already uncomfortable issue. I have to wonder if those unkind kids showed any signs of their nastiness at home in front of their parents or were they also able to keep those traits invisible from their parents recognition.

As this reminder was presented to me at this mixer, in the moment, deep inside me, the first thought was embarrassment, it was as if a gun went off and triggered those horrible low self-esteem thoughts I had about myself as a first grader. Within a split second my next thought was, FU you immature jerk. Yes, that is what I thought in the moment and then I tried to let it go. Now, over a week later I am unsure why I am still thinking about this silly little incident but I am pondering the possibility that I am supposed to learn something from this reminder of my past. I don’t believe it has anything to do with the way I talk because I can’t change that but I do believe it is important for me to remind myself to love me for who I am. That is where I have to continue nurturing my self, to realize I have a choice to make what others say mean something or to allow myself to make it mean nothing. Again I am reminded of the power of our thoughts.

As we all know our world today is much different than it was 30+ years ago. I have thought endlessly the past week about the difficulties young kids must be dealing with when it comes to self-esteem and self-worth. With FB and the internet so prevalent, the unkindness of others can cover a much larger spectrum making an already sad individual feel much more horrible about themselves. We have all heard of the word “Bullying” in the media and it has lead to incredibly devastating events in our society such as suicide and murder. In my day, low-self esteem or a fight was what came from others acting out in an unkind way. I have never understood why an individual feels it is necessary to talk down to a person, to humiliate or to be mean to another person. I do realize there are times when we act this way in defense of someone else acting in the same manner but I have never seen it help the matter at hand in a positive way. Perhaps my mother reminding me as a child to always act toward others as I would want them to act towards me gave me some insight. To put myself in the other persons shoes and think about what that might feel like before I say or do something toward someone else. Perhaps these simple reminders as a child helped me to become the kind and generous person I feel I am now.

Today’s tv seems to exude negativity and that in turn seems to create negativity in our culture. Why can’t we all just live from kindness and with love towards each other. Why do we have to be in everyone else’s business and why can’t we take accountability for our own actions rather than always blaming others? I have to believe that unkindness and judgement by others is mimicked in some way by how they were treated growing up, by what they learn at home, by what they are watching on tv and by what they learn from others. I am not a parent so forgive me if this is out of line but is it really possible to NOT see ugly traits in our kids if they do exist, perhaps they are not seen because they exist in the one looking? I often wonder how much time parents are spending in the lives of their kids, what are they allowing their kids to watch on tv or to do in their spare time. I believe if we were better role models, kinder individuals and lived with integrity, others would want to mimic those things because they would see the inner happiness those things bring to the individuals who possess them.  If we stopped watching all the negative things on tv and decided to spend quality time sharing kindness and love with each other how different could our lives be? I wish every person out there would learn what the word integrity means and for once live within it. If those folks who feel it necessary to hurt or insult others would transform that negativity into kindness imagine the possibilities.

Maybe I have gotten off on a tangent here but it all seems to come down to what I continue to speak from…love and kindness = happiness. I won’t allow myself to be a victim, to feel sorry for myself or to feel less of a person because of what someone else did that made me uncomfortable. My goal is to share my often uncomfortable experiences with others in hopes of making one person out there make a step towards being a better and happier person within themselves. Weather you were OR are the bully or the bullied remind yourself that you and others deserve kindness. Put yourself in the others shoes and take a look at what that might feel like. If you have anger inside towards someone else consider letting it go and see what can happen once it leaves you. Most of all remember we get out of life what we give. If we are unhappy we are probably making others unhappy too and will continue to be unhappy. If we are living in anger we are more than likely making others angry as well and will continue to be angry.  Change the cycle and make a difference, you have that choice.

I feel completely comfortable in my life right now because I make an effort every day to be kind and to be happy on the inside and out, it is my cognitive choice, it feels good and I want all of you to feel that goodness too. Take a moment to think, to be quiet, to feel and to be. Life is a gift, we are here to share, to love and to learn but most of all to be happy. Sending love out to all of you…pass it on!

"Happy Me"

It is funny how life sometimes seems to derail us when we think we finally have it all figured out. I guess it is the Universe’s way of making sure we don’t get too comfortable because once we do our lives get boring. I am extremely bored right now and I know it is time for something new. As I get older I am finding that I am seeking new ways to find happiness. I know this sounds like a normal way of thinking but the truth is in my past I focused on work, keeping goals & to-do’s up to date and making sure I always looked good in the eyes of others. Being happy was what happened on occasion when I was with the right group of people, the right person or happened to be in the right place at the right time. Now I focus on BEING happy first and all that other stuff is secondary. What I have found is that by thinking this way I am happier, I am not really sure why but it just seems to be the case.

So what exactly does happiness look like? Well I guess that is different for each and every individual but we all know that when we are happy we feel good. Dr. Wayne Dyer has coached me for years through his books on DVD about “wanting to feel good” and this seems to be his underlining focus of everything he speaks about. If we don’t feel good we need to understand why rather than just accepting it, if we just accept it in time we become numb to happiness. I believe so many of us are staying busier because when we slow down we start to feel uncomfortable and because that doesn’t feel good in the moment we go back to being busy. By not facing what ever is causing the un-comfort we end up living mediocre lives because we are on auto pilot. Happiness for most has become something that happens on occasion and we are going through the motions hoping it will happen again soon. When we allow ourselves to really dive deep into those uncomfortable feelings, to be quiet and to get in touch with spirit we start to become happier people because being aware becomes our reality. Being aware allows us to make changes, to be better people,  to be healthier individuals on the inside and to be present. We live better, we feel better, we love better and we make those around us feel better in the process, in time this brings us happiness. I think that THIS is what true happiness is because it feels GOOD. Can you imagine how our world would look if we all started feeling good all the time?

Happiness for most of us really does come from what we think of ourselves and what we perceive others to think about us. It often comes from what we do (an experience) but it also comes when we are in a good state of mind. We can’t be happy if we are worried about something, if we are upset over what someone said to us or if we do not like who we are as individuals. Temporary happiness is nice and happens on occasion for all of us, personally I want to feel happy all the time, every day, knowing that when I am not I need to re-direct my thinking no matter what has stepped in my way and get back on track. I am speaking from a place of just being happy no matter what happens. Not allowing anything negative to throw me off kilter, to take the negative, immediately re-adjust and watch the happiness return by rising above. Life will always throw us punches but when we can change our thoughts immediately in those moments and redirect our thinking to what feels good we will find that happiness is right around the corner. We become happier on the inside and we start to see happiness all around us on the outside. Life becomes interesting, fun starts to show up everywhere, love appears out of no where and we exude a positive demeanor outwardly.

Since Dina passed I have wondered what Heaven might be like and I have felt that in order for it to be such a wonderful and happy place, judgement must not exist there. I have pondered this deeply over the past month. I’ve talked a lot about how our thinking portrays how our lives are lived. The way we deal with experiences and the meaning we give the words people say to us really does matter and we do have a choice on how we want to process those thoughts. The truth of words lies within our own minds and we have a choice to make them mean something good, something bad or something that really doesn’t matter. We need to realize that those who hurt us the most with their words or actions are usually coming from a place of unhappiness within themselves. A truly happy person doesn’t want to hurt someone else in an attempt to find a moment of happiness within themselves. Hurting others with words or physically in any way will not make the person acting out a happy person, it may create some kind of comfort in the moment but that is not happiness. People 45 and older often say that the way we think about life changes with age, that there is a time when you all of a sudden stop caring what others think about you. As I get older I will say I care less about what others think of me but I believe the most significant change in me is that I love who I am and accept what ever comes into my life-good or bad with the belief that it is as it should be. I think that with age I have come to realize that my life is exactly as it is because I made it that way. Every choice, every mistake, every move was my own and it has led me to where I am right here, right now.

The truth is that the more grateful I am for all that I have the happier I seem to be, the happier I seem to be the happier the people around me seem to be, the happier those people around me seem to be the happier I am and the more happiness comes into my life.  I think I see a trend here, full circle once put into motion there is no way to fail at being happy! So as I search to find things to continue to be grateful for in my quest for happiness I have to ask, what makes you happy? What is it in your life that truly brings you happiness and what can you continue to do to make this happen more often? There is truth in Aristotle’s quote “Happiness depends upon ourselves” I plan keep digging deeper with in myself  to keep this trend moving in a forward motion! Sending love out to all of you…pass it on!

Is it me or does there seem to be a lot of negative energy out there lately? I have felt like I need to spend more time alone than I normally do because I have not felt comfortable outside my home, it is as if the energy everywhere is heavy and uncomfortable. It is more of an un-settling feeling than the act of others complaining in a negative way although that is happening too. I am not a big TV fan but if I do turn it on I have purposely choose to NOT watch the news or anything with drama which is 80+ percent of what seems to be available anymore. I have changed my music spin to include more mellow vibes. I have been trying to exercise more, eat less and be healthier with my overall choices. I guess I have been spending more time being spiritual and trying to figure out how to just feel good, stay positive and be happy.

I recently had a strange dream and I have been trying to decide whether I should post my thoughts or not. Someone I lost a few years ago came to me in my dream and spoke to me about life and death. I guess maybe this dream was brought on by recent events I have been dealing with emotionally. A week and a half ago I lost a great friend, Victoria from my life back in Orlando whom I was very close to and she was only 51 years old. It seems so unfair and I am still in a state of shock. My mind has been trying to understand, to deal and to heal. I have lost 5 extremely important people-2 family members, 1 significant other, 2 great friends and a pet in the past 5 years and each time it kicks me down and makes me question life and why we are here.

As I struggled to sleep the night this dream occurred I was restless, my back has been bothering me and the house has not felt cool due to the intense heat wave. TG came to me in this dream, he passed away in 2008 from addiction and perhaps the news of Amy Winehouse’s death influence his visit with all the public discussion on her addiction. What ever the case it was a very vivid and enlightening experience. In the dream he was smiling at me and he told me he was happy. I told him I knew he was in Heaven (earlier post about him being in Hell due to the nature of his death), he smiled and said that when a person dies they are stripped down to the core of who they are, the goodness that they are born with which is their spirit and that goes to a wonderful place that I could never imagine because it is beyond human understanding. All the bad stuff goes somewhere else and is no longer a part of that spirit (he did not say where that part went). He went on to explain how throughout our lives, with all of our experiences and choices we often lose sight of our goodness, our judgement, we start to express anger, and other negative emotions. In time if we do not allow ourselves to notice this constant negativity we slowly grow into that role and we become what we think. We become something so far away from what we are intended to be and with all of that distance comes depression, unhappiness, lack of integrity and anger. He said that because we begin to dis-like who we are subconsciously we begin doing things out of character in our unhappiness. Things like cheating, substance abuse, overeating, constant negative judgement and others as they begin to mask our unhappiness. This happens because it is easier to put that energy into making others wrong than to look within our selves and deal with the pain and guilt we have created. If we don’t recognize what we are doing and make changes we continue to hate who we are and live with self guilt. If we can at anytime stop the busyness, the noise of life and recognize that gift of goodness each one of us are born with we will realize how good it makes us feel. If we allow that to resonate long enough it will bring us back to who we are supposed to be, if not we will go through life feeling lost from time to time, staying busy to keep us from feeling anything and later regret the things we did or didn’t do. There were many other personal things TG and I talked about in that dream but in the end he smiled and said he had to go, I said I knew, he kissed me and I awoke from the dream.

It was a lot to take in, I made myself turn on the light and write every single thing I remembered so it wouldn’t be lost the next morning. I don’t know the truth of our dreams, if we subconsciously make them up or if there really is a way for loved ones who have passed to come to us when we are sleeping. When he kissed me before he left he asked me to look into his eyes. It was what made me fall in love with him early on in out relationship before he became intertwined with addiction. He had beautiful deep blue eyes you could get lost in. It was something I couldn’t do later because of the pain I saw when he was slowly killing himself after the addiction started. When he asked me to look into them I was scared of what I might see but was relieved when I saw no pain..only happiness. I am unsure what this dream is supposed to mean, if anything but it deeply moved me. I feel better about his passing and content that even if I made it up as a way of letting go that is all ok because I know he is with God now. His death makes me want to give, to share and to love deeper than ever before so he gave me more than he ever knew.

It is hard to loose people you love that you are close to, Victoria’s death has me thinking more about what I want to accomplish, she always appeared to be the healthier one in our group, she ate better foods, exercised more and was always doing. I was with her the first time I ever traveled outside the US, and repeated the trip more than once. We backpacked throughout Portugal and Spain, visited Amsterdam and got lost once in the Paris airport, missed a flight and laughed so hard people thought we were crazy. I am so grateful that those beautiful memories will always be with me. Her death makes me want to see more of the world, to take more chances, to be more than I have allowed myself to be. It has made me question so many things yet be grateful for so many more.

I am still pondering the idea that the goodness we were born with is still somewhere in each and everyone of us, some of us just have no idea what that was because we have allowed ourselves to drift so far away. I want my goodness to shine brighter than it ever has and I want to see others do the same. Together we can change the negativity around us one person at a time and I know the core of all goodness starts with LOVE…pass it on and see what happens!